1、读10年语文，不如聊半年QQ。
1. Studying Chinese for 10 years is not as good as chatting on QQ for half a year.
2、你都好意思撒谎了，我哪好意思不信呐。
2. If you have the nerve to lie, how can I not have the nerve to believe you?
3、工资就像大姨妈，一个月来一次，一星期就没了。
3. Salary is like a monthly period: it comes once a month and is gone in a week.
4、你问我爱你有多深，我的回答是：淹死你！
4. You ask how deep my love for you is, my answer is: deep enough to drown you!
5、我允许你走进我的世界，但不许你在我的世界里走来走去。
5. I allow you to enter my world, but don’t walk around in it.
6、虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。
6. Even though you’re wearing cologne, I can still faintly smell the scent of scum on you.
7、西游记告诉我们：凡是有后台的妖怪都被接走了，凡是没后台的都被一棒子打死了。
7. Journey to the West tells us: demons with connections are taken away, while those without are killed with one blow.
8、我多想一个不小心就和你白头偕老。
8. I wish I could accidentally grow old with you.
9、不想当厨子的裁缝，不是好司机。
9. A tailor who doesn’t want to be a chef is not a good driver.
10、春天不洗澡，处处蚊子咬。也来鬼尖叫，吓得你要跑。
10. If you don’t take a bath in spring, mosquitoes will bite you everywhere. Ghosts will scream and scare you away.
11、打是亲，骂是爱，爱到极深用脚踹。
11. Hitting is a sign of affection, scolding is a sign of love; when love is deep, use your foot to kick.
12、你让我滚，我滚了。你让我回来，对不起，滚远了。
12. You told me to leave, and I did. You told me to come back, but I’m sorry, I’ve gone too far.
13、刚毕业后会有期；毕业一年后会有妻；后来后悔有妻；再后来会有后妻；最后悔有后妻。
13. After graduation, there will be a reunion; a year after graduation, there will be a wife; later, regret having a wife; then, having a second wife; and finally, regret having a second wife.
14、老子不打你，你不知道我文武双全。
14. If I don’t hit you, you won’t know I’m well-versed in both literature and martial arts.
15、我那么喜欢你，你喜欢我一下会死啊。
15. I like you so much, will it kill you to like me back?
16、和一个人擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
16. Even if we brush past each other, our clothes are worn out, but no sparks are created.
17、宅，是一种很不稳定的状态。只要一停电，就会退化成山顶洞人。
17. Staying at home is a very unstable state. As soon as the power goes out, you’ll regress into a caveman.
18、我这么好一姑娘，你都不喜欢，少年莫非你喜欢男生。
18. I’m such a great girl, and you don’t like me; do you prefer boys instead?
19、哥是个传说，不要问哥是哪个单位的。
19. I’m a legend; don’t ask which organization I belong to.
20、穷玩车，富玩表，牛B加班敲电脑。
20. The poor play with cars, the rich play with watches, and the牛逼 work overtime typing on computers.
21、哥们心理素质好得，就跟没心理素质一样。
21. My buddy has such good mental quality that it seems like he has no mental quality at all.
22、现在的硕士学位，就像脚底的一粒米，不拿不舒服，拿了又不能吃。
22. Nowadays, a master’s degree is like a grain of rice on the sole of your foot: it’s uncomfortable not to pick it up, but you can’t eat it once you have.
23、我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
23. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, so I can’t chat as much as you’d like to hear.
24、给我一张床，我可以睡到世界灭亡。
24. Give me a bed, and I can sleep until the end of the world.
25、逃得了和尚，逃不了方丈。
25. You can escape a monk, but you can’t escape the abbot.
26、说的好，说了一大堆，我没怎么听懂。
26. That’s a great speech, but I didn’t quite understand what you said.
27、心里有座坟，葬着未亡人。
27. There’s a grave in my heart, where the living are buried.
28、每天都看着不同口味的安眠药在讲台上走来走去。
28. Every day, I watch different flavors of sleeping pills walking back and forth on the podium.
29、我常在海边，却不喜欢海，而是喜欢浪。
29. I often go to the seaside, but I don’t like the sea; I like the waves.
30、饿着肚子睡觉，数羊。一只、两只、三只、四只、五串、六串……
30. Going to bed hungry and counting sheep. One, two, three, four, five skewers, six skewers…
31、“岁月磨平了我的棱角。”“明明是胖了还不承认！”
31. “Time has worn down my edges.” “You’re just fat and won’t admit it!”
32、摸摸自己的胸，嗯，我还小我是宝宝。
32. Touch my chest, yeah, I’m still young, I’m a baby.
33、旋转木马是这世上最残酷的游戏，彼此追逐，却永远隔着可悲的距离。
33. The carousel is the cruelest game in the world, where we chase each other but are always separated by a可悲 distance.
34、理想很丰满，现实却很骨感。
34. Ideals are rich, but reality is very bony.
35、每天都要和床撕逼，通常都是我输了。
35. Every day, I have to fight with my bed, and I usually lose.
36、我好像对纸过敏，每次做作业都难受。
36. I think I’m allergic to paper because I feel uncomfortable every time I do homework.
37、他不理你怎么了，别担心，还有我，我也懒得理你。
37. He ignores you, what’s the matter? Don’t worry, I’m also too lazy to pay attention to you.
38、自从放了假，每天洗脸这件事，再也跟我无关。
38. Since the holiday started, washing my face every day has nothing to do with me anymore.
39、我家电脑什么都慢，就死机快。
39. My home computer is slow at everything, except for crashing.
40、作业君，宫玲已毁，断念已残，今日你我恩断义决。
40. Homework, the palace bell has been destroyed, and the broken thoughts are already damaged. Today, our friendship is over.
41、别说你是单身狗，狗到你这个年龄已经死了。
41. Don’t say you’re a single dog, as a dog would have died by your age.
42、给点阳光我就腐烂。
42. Give me some sunshine and I’ll rot.
43、问：你喜欢我哪一点？答：我喜欢你离我远一点！
43. Q: What do you like about me? A: I like you staying away from me!
44、你快回来，我一人忽悠不来！
44. Come back soon, I can’t fool people all by myself!
45、生活就像宋祖德的嘴，你永远都不知道下一个倒霉的会是谁。
45. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth; you never know who will be the next victim.
46、跌倒了，爬起来再哭。
46. If you fall, get up and cry again.
47、生，容易。活，容易。生活，不容易。
47. To be born is easy. To live is easy. To live life is not easy.
48、年轻的时候，我们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸；年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
48. When we were young, we often made faces at the mirror; when we grow old, the mirror gets its revenge.
49、出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
49. When there’s a problem, look for reasons within yourself, instead of blaming the lack of gravity on Earth just because you have constipation.
50、拍脑袋决策，拍胸脯保证，拍屁股走人。
50. Make decisions by slapping your head, make promises by thumping your chest, and leave by patting your butt.
51、不要和地球人一般见识。
51. Don’t be as petty as the people on Earth.
52、我就算是一只癞蛤蟆，我也决不娶母癞蛤蟆。
52. Even if I were a toad, I would never marry a female toad.
53、生前何必久睡，死后自会长眠……
53. There’s no need to sleep long before death, as you will sleep forever afterward…
54、所谓成长，就是在听到“波涛汹涌”四个字，再也联想不到大海了。
54. Growth is when you hear the phrase “turbulent waves” and can no longer associate it with the ocean.
55、其实我小时候并不胖，真的，一句“不许剩饭”毁了我的一生。
55. In fact, I wasn’t fat when I was a child, really. The phrase “no leftovers” ruined my life.
56、做人一定要昂首挺胸，这样别人才看不见你的双下巴。
56. To be a person, one must hold their head high and chest out, so that others won’t see your double chin.
57、单身的男的叫单身狗，单身的女的叫狗不理。
57. A single man is called a “single dog,” while a single woman is called “one that dogs ignore.”
58、您复杂的五官，掩饰不了您朴素的智商。
58. Your complicated facial features cannot conceal your simple intelligence.
59、我只是胖着玩玩，哪像你丑的那么认真！
59. I am just fat for fun, unlike you who take being ugly so seriously!
60、真正的吃货敢于直面粗壮的大腿。
60. A true foodie dares to face their thick thighs.
61、遇到他整个人都变了，脸皮两颗子弹也穿不透。
61. Meeting him changed my whole person, and even two bullets couldn’t penetrate my thick skin.
62、生前何必久睡，死后自会长眠。
62. There’s no need to sleep long before death, as you’ll sleep forever afterward.
63、我从不怀疑你是美女，我只是怀疑我的审美。
63. I never doubt that you’re beautiful; I just doubt my own taste.
64、坚强点，失败也是成功的一部分，在哪里跌倒，就在哪里讹人。
64. Be strong, failure is a part of success. Fall and rise where you fell, and deceive others there.
65、睡觉这种东西，果然还是趴在学校桌子上睡得香。
65. Sleeping is indeed more enjoyable when done趴在 school desks.
66、一个班级一个后宫，总有那么几个人在争宠。
66. In every class, there’s a harem, with a few people competing for favor.
67、我觉得我的数学成绩，很对得起我数学老师的颜值！
67. I think my math grades are worthy of my math teacher’s appearance!
68、兄台，别逼我动用在北京的势力，我本不想掀起一场腥风血雨。
68. Brother, don’t force me to use my influence in Beijing; I don’t want to cause a storm.
69、你看着我冷萌冷萌地就好，不要因为得不到我就打我。
69. Just look at me with a cold and cute expression, and don’t hit me because you can’t have me.
70、以前化成灰的人都能认得出，现在化个妆就认不出了。
70. In the past, I could recognize people even if they turned to ashes, but now I can’t recognize them with just makeup.
71、不要扶我，我没醉，前面那条路会动，帮我扶住那条路。
71. Don’t help me up, I’m not drunk. The road ahead is moving; help me hold it still.
72、什么女追男隔层纱，那简直隔的是撒哈拉大沙漠。
72. What they say about a girl chasing a guy is like隔着 a thin veil, but it’s more like 隔撒哈拉大沙漠.
73、自打我学会了顶嘴，我老婆也学会了磨刀。
73. Ever since I learned to talk back, my wife also learned how to sharpen her knife.
74、出来混，老婆迟早是要换的！
74. When you’re in the underworld, you’ll eventually have to change your wife!
75、要适当吃一点，才有力气减肥。
75. Eat a little to have the strength to lose weight.
76、征婚启事：要求如下，A活的，B女的。
76. Marriage ad: Requirements are as follows, A. Alive, B. Female.
77、老鼠一发威，大家都是病猫。
77. When a mouse gets angry, everyone becomes a sick cat.
78、我想早恋，但是已经晚了……
78. I wanted to fall in love early, but it’s already too late…
79、爱情就象鬼，相信的人多，见到的人少。
79. Love is like a ghost; many people believe in it, but few have seen it.
80、人和猪的区别就是：猪一直是猪，而人有时却不是人！
80. The difference between humans and pigs is that pigs are always pigs, while humans are sometimes not human!
81、你就像移动的磁铁，动不动将我排斥，也不忘把我吸引。
81. You’re like a moving magnet, sometimes repelling me, yet never forgetting to attract me as well.
82、我已经掌握36种藏私房钱的方式，接下来只差钱了。
82. I’ve already mastered 36 ways to hide private money; now I just need the money.
83、曾以为是那崖畔的一枝花，后来才知道，不过是人海一粒渣！
83. I once thought I was a flower on the cliff, but later I found out I was just a piece of trash in the sea of people!
84、今天起大早去上课，刚进教室，老师笑着对我说稀客呀，当时我就傻了。
84. I woke up early today to attend class, and as soon as I entered the classroom, the teacher smiled at me and said, “Rare guest!” I was stunned.
85、你们最好选择在中午秀恩爱，知道为什么吗？因为早晚会有报应。
85. You’d better show affection during the day, do you know why? Because sooner or later, there will be retribution.
86、复习的小船说翻就翻，睡觉的欲望说来就来。
86. The little boat of reviewing can capsize at any moment, and the desire to sleep comes instantly.
87、跟我要儿童节礼物，我可以给，但过几天的父亲节你们就要注意了。
87. If you ask me for a Children’s Day gift, I can give it to you, but be careful about Father’s Day in a few days.
88、我表白的方式一向简单粗暴，有时间一起睡觉。
88. My confession method has always been simple and crude: let’s sleep together sometime.
89、爱笑的女生一般运气都不会太差，一般都是成绩差。
89. Girls who love to laugh usually don’t have bad luck, but their grades are generally poor.
90、只暖一个女生的男生才叫暖男，暖所有女生的男生叫烧锅炉。
90. A guy who warms only one girl is called a warm male, while a guy who warms all girls is called a boiler burner.
91、如果你想灌倒我，长的好看的一杯倒，长的丑的豁出命去我也让你见识见识什么叫千杯不醉。
91. If you want to get me drunk, I’ll fall with just one drink if you’re good-looking. If you’re ugly, I’ll risk my life to show you what it means to be “thousands of cups and not drunk.”
92、抱着滚烫的正在充电的手机，并且把生死置之度外，这是我人生中少有的英勇时分。
92. Holding a hot, charging phone and disregarding life and death is one of the few heroic moments in my life.
93、问君能有几多愁，恰似一条秋裤人人有。
93. Ask how much sorrow one can have? It’s like everyone having a pair of long johns in autumn.
94、我也会盲打，只是别人盲打不看键盘，而我不看屏幕。
94. I can type blindfolded too, but while others don’t look at the keyboard, I don’t look at the screen.
95、我超能力还有很多，不只是超可爱。
95. I have many superpowers, not just being super cute.
96、每个抖腿的人，心里都有一台缝纫机。
96. Everyone who has a shaky leg has a sewing machine in their heart.
97、你可以不同意我的观点，但我可以打你。
97. You can disagree with my opinion, but I can hit you.
98、黑夜不会亏待晚睡的人，它会赐你黑眼圈。
98. The night won’t treat late sleepers unfairly; it will give you dark circles under your eyes.
99、远处看到了一个帅哥，走近一看原来是一面镜子。
99. I saw a handsome guy from afar, but when I got closer, I realized it was a mirror.
100、“人生最大的耻辱是什么？”“作弊了还不及格！”
100. “What is the greatest shame in life?” “Cheating and still failing!”
1、三分天注定，七分靠打拼，还有九十分在老师那里。
1. 30% is predestined, 70% depends on hard work, and the remaining 90% lies with the teacher.
2、晚上想想千条路，早上起来走原路。
2. At night, I think of a thousand paths, but when I get up in the morning, I still follow the same old one.
3、我的袜子全是洞，我的未来不是梦。
3. My socks are full of holes, but my future is not just a dream.
4、我也曾青春逼人，可惜现在青春没了，就剩这么个逼人了。
4. I used to be a youthful and aggressive person, but now my youth is gone, leaving only this aggressive attitude.
5、我对你的深情无法付诸语言，除了一句“滚一边去”。
5. My deep feelings for you cannot be expressed in words, except for one sentence: “Go away.”
6、对于姑娘来说：出来混，迟早是要怀的。
6. For girls: when you’re out in the world, sooner or later, you’ll get pregnant.
7、天涯何处无牛粪，何必单恋一坨屎。
7. There’s cow dung everywhere in the world, so why be infatuated with just one pile of shit?
8、如果有一天全世界的男人来月经了，我会去卖卫生经。
8. If one day all the men in the world start menstruating, I’ll go sell sanitary pads.
9、以后不要在我面前说英文，OK？
9. Don’t speak English in front of me anymore, OK?
10、如果男人不帮你穿上婚纱，你就送他件袈裟。
10. If a man doesn’t help you put on your wedding dress, just give him a monk’s robe.
11、我可没说你不要脸，我是说不要脸的都是你这样的。
11. I didn’t say you have no shame; I’m saying that those who have no shame are like you.
12、装逼只是瞬间，不要脸才是永恒。
12. Pretending to be cool is just a momentary thing, but having no shame is eternal.
13、有些事情无须抬杠，表面服从偷偷反抗。
13. There’s no need to argue over some things; just appear to comply while secretly resisting.
14、我喝酒是想把痛苦溺死，但这该死的痛苦却学会了游泳。
14. I drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned sorrows have learned how to swim.
15、若不弃，此生不离，若嫌弃，死一边去。
15. If you don’t abandon me, we’ll never part in this life; if you despise me, just go die.
16、上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
16. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.
17、遇到你之前，我的世界是黑白的，遇到你之后，哇塞！全黑了……
17. Before I met you, my world was in black and white; after meeting you, wow! It’s completely dark…
18、现在的社会，插队都得排队。
18. In today’s society, you even have to wait in line to cut in line.
19、三人行必有我妻，选其美者而取之。
19. When three people walk together, one of them must be my wife; I’ll choose the prettiest one.
20、穷耐克，富阿迪，流氓一身阿玛尼。
20. The poor wear Nike, the rich wear Adidas, and gangsters wear Armani.
21、苹果最光荣的一刻就是砸在了牛顿的头上。
21. The most glorious moment for an apple is when it hit Newton’s head.
22、我不需要你理解，只需要你闭嘴。
22. I don’t need you to understand, I just need you to shut up.
23、祖国的花朵，开一朵我踩一朵。
23. The flowers of the motherland, I step on one every time a new one blooms.
24、要不是老师说不能乱扔垃圾，不然我早把你扔出去了。
24. If it weren’t for the teacher saying not to litter, I would have thrown you out long ago.
25、傻与不傻，要看你会不会装傻。
25. Being foolish or not depends on whether you know how to pretend to be foolish.
26、偷吃不是我的错，是我嘴巴的寂寞。
26. It’s not my fault I sneak food; it’s my mouth’s fault for being lonely.
27、我不是优乐美，我只是敌敌畏，你想把我捧在手心么。
27. I’m not an elegant pleasure, I’m just a pesticide. Do you want to hold me in your palm?
28、老板，有没有可乐？给我拿瓶雪碧……
28. Boss, do you have any cola? Give me a bottle of Sprite…
29、我觉得地球好危险，我想火星了。
29. I think Earth is dangerous; I miss Mars.
30、哪家的名门之后啊，你爹是天蓬元帅啊！
30. Which prestigious family do you come from? Is your father Marshal Tian Peng?
31、水壶啊，你为什么哭泣，是因为屁股太烫了吗？
31. Kettle, why are you crying? Is it because your buttocks are too hot?
32、风刮的真大，把我移动的手机信号都刮成联通的啦！
32. The wind is so strong that it changed my mobile signal from Mobile to Unicom!
33、熬夜，是因为没有勇气结束这一天，赖床，是因为没有勇气开始这一天。
33. Staying up late is because I don’t have the courage to end the day; staying in bed is because I don’t have the courage to start the day.
34、我不但手气好，脚气也不错。
34. Not only am I lucky with my hands, but my feet are quite lucky too.
35、每次临时抱佛脚的时候，佛总是给我一脚。
35. Every time I try to seek Buddha’s help at the last minute, Buddha always kicks me.
36、他人笑我看不穿，我笑他人啥也不穿。
36. Others laugh at me for not seeing through things, while I laugh at them for wearing nothing.
37、人如果靠吃饭活着，那饭不叫饭，叫饲料。
37. If people live by eating, then that food is not called food, but feed.
38、昨晚我拿你的承诺去喂狗，第二天早上发现狗死了。
38. Last night, I fed your promise to the dog, and the next morning I found the dog dead.
39、每次写简历都会比以前更敬佩自己一些。
39. Every time I write a resume, I admire myself more than before.
40、你眼里的高压电，足够让我的手机用一年。
40. The high voltage in your eyes is enough to power my phone for a year.
41、别以为你长的稀有样我们就应该物以稀为贵。
41. Don’t think that just because you have a rare look, we should value you highly.
42、青春啊，你太痘了！
42. Youth, you’re so full of acne!
43、每个宿舍都有一个磨牙的，一个说梦话的，一个打呼噜的，一个睡很晚的。
43. In every dormitory, there is one who grinds teeth, one who talks in their sleep, one who snores, and one who sleeps very late.
44、师太，批上老纳的袈纱后，你就是老纳的人了。
44. After you put on my cassock, you will be mine, my lady.
45、如果说剪掉头发就是剪掉回忆，那我剪成光头是不是可以失忆？
45. If cutting off hair means cutting off memories, would cutting my hair completely make me amnesiac?
46、本想华丽的转身，不料低调的撞墙。
46. I wanted to make a gorgeous turn, but I bumped into the wall discreetly.
47、春天我把男朋友种进地里，到了秋天，我就把这茬给忘了。
47. In spring, I planted my boyfriend in the ground, and by autumn, I completely forgot about it.
48、我对着镜子说，镜子，镜子，我是不是这个世界上最美丽的，镜子碎了。
48. I said to the mirror, mirror, am I the most beautiful in the world? The mirror shattered.
49、世界上两件事最难：一是把自己的思想装进别人的脑袋，二是把别人的钱装进自己的口袋。前者成功了叫老师，后者成功了叫老板，两者都成功了可以叫老婆或大学或教堂！
49. The two hardest things in the world are: one, putting your thoughts into someone else’s mind; and two, putting other people’s money into your own pocket. The former is successful and called a teacher, the latter is successful and called a boss, and if both are successful, you can be called a wife, a university, or a church!
50、我不是那种落井下石的人，我是直接把井封了。
50. I’m not the kind of person who throws a stone into a well; I just seal the well directly.
51、百度搜不到你，只好进搜狗！
51. Baidu can’t find you, so I have to use Sogou!
52、你长得如此多娇，引无数瞎子竞折腰。
52. You are so charming that you attract countless blind men to compete.
53、不要迷恋哥，嫂子才是传说。
53. Don’t be infatuated with me, my sister-in-law is the legend.
54、又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
54. Handsome and a car, that’s chess; money and a house, that’s a bank.
55、上帝创造了处女，我创造了妇女。
55. God created virgins, and I created women.
56、放眼过去全是货，老妹你想跟谁过。
56. Looking around, there are all kinds of guys; little sister, who do you want to be with?
57、别拿你弹视频的速度，来挑战哥拉黑的技术。
57. Don’t challenge my ability to block you with your speed of sending video messages.
58、狐狸不是妖、性感不是骚。
58. A fox is not a demon, and sexiness is not coquetry.
59、各种姿势，各种招。各种澎湃，各种飘。
59. Various poses, various moves. Various surges, various floats.
60、喊疼的不一定是处女，但勾引男人的一定是婊子。
60. The one who cries out in pain is not necessarily a virgin, but the one who seduces men is definitely a slut.
61、女人混的好、是嫂子，混不好，是婊子。
61. A woman who does well is a sister-in-law, but if she doesn’t, she’s a tramp.
62、小鸟虽小，可它玩的确是整个天空。
62. Though a little bird is small, it plays with the entire sky.
63、黄瓜必须拍，人生必须嗨。
63. Cucumbers must be smashed, and life must be lively.
64、爱情不过是寂寞时、扯把美丽的犊子。
64. Love is just a beautiful lie when one is lonely.
65、距离产生的不是美，而是第三者。
65. Distance doesn’t create beauty, but rather a third party.
66、小三的威力、一般人貌似抵挡不住。
66. The power of a mistress seems to be irr
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