1.你出来一下，我有事想跟你谈谈。”“谈什么?”“恋爱。”
1. Come out for a moment, I want to talk to you about something. “What is it?” “Love.”
2.一个妇女从超市回来，忿忿地抱怨：”如果顾客永远是对的，为什么不是一切都免费。
2. A woman came back from the supermarket and complained angrily, “If the customer is always right, why isn’t everything free?”
3.春有百花秋有月，夏有凉风冬有雪。若无烦事挂心头，便是人间好时节。
3. In spring there are flowers, in autumn there is the moon, in summer there is a cool breeze, and in winter there is snow. If there are no troubles in your heart, it is a good season for the world.
4.没有人能预测未来，所以总有人后悔当初。
4. No one can predict the future, so there are always people who regret their past.
5.只有不可替代，你才不会被炒掉，但一直不可替代，就不会被提拔。
5. Only when you are irreplaceable will you not be fired, but if you are always irreplaceable, you won’t be promoted.
6.春天来了，绿意盎然，他也来了，一身绿装！md，连帽子也是绿色的！
6. Spring has arrived, with greenery everywhere, and he has come too, dressed in green! Damn it, even his hat is green!
7.人们喜欢春风，厌恶寒风，其实寒风是无辜的，是温度在使坏！
7. People like the spring breeze and hate the cold wind, but the cold wind is innocent; it’s the temperature that’s causing trouble!
8.电脑是愤怒者的麦克风，深夜它传播着我们的骂声！
8. The computer is the microphone for the angry, spreading our curses in the deep night!
9.那个叫珍妮的女孩我不喜欢，我喜欢那个叫玛尼的！
9. I don’t like the girl named Jenny; I like the one named Manny!
10.一美女说：第一次牵我手的人是给我看手相的那个先生。
10. A beautiful woman said, “The first person who held my hand was the man who read my palm.”
11.不是你不滚，是我不够狠。
11. It’s not that you don’t leave; it’s just that I’m not ruthless enough.
12.老师本想对同学们说把掌声送给自己，可不小心说成把巴掌送给自己。说完，一同学”啪”“啪”就给了自己两耳光。
12. The teacher wanted to tell the students to give applause to themselves, but accidentally said to give slaps to themselves. After saying that, a student “slap” “slap” gave themselves two slaps in the face.
13.考题再复杂，终究没有我这心情复杂。
13. No matter how complicated the exam questions are, they are not as complicated as my mood.
14.谁说水火无情，当你快要被口水淹死的时候，你却火了。
14. Who says water and fire are merciless? When you are about to be drowned by saliva, you become furious.
15.眉毛上的汗水，眉毛下的泪水，你总得选一样。
15. Sweat on the eyebrows, tears under the eyebrows, you have to choose one.
16.思想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就证明你有。
16. Thoughts are like underwear; you have to have them, but you can’t prove to everyone that you have them.
17.为什么你坐在那儿，看上去就像一个没写地址的信封？
17. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address?
18.君子报仇，十年不晚，小人报仇，从早到晚。
18. A gentleman seeks revenge in ten years; a petty person seeks revenge from morning to night.
19.天上终不会掉陷饼，它只会掉陷阱。
19. The sky will never drop a pie, but it will drop traps.
20.白色加白色就是黑色，因为双重否定就是肯定。
20. White plus white equals black, because a double negative is an affirmative.
21.我对你的感情就像雷锋对于穷人的怜悯。
21. My feelings for you are like Lei Feng’s compassion for the poor.
22.寂寞就是有人说话时，没人在听，有人在听时，你却没话说了！
22. Loneliness is when someone is talking, but no one is listening; when someone is listening, but you have nothing to say.
23.比遇见一个泼妇更让人头痛的是……同时遇见两个泼妇。
23. Worse than encountering a shrew is encountering two shrews at the same time.
24.我想把我的一生浓缩成一句笑话。
24. I want to condense my whole life into a joke.
25.如果跟导师讲不清楚，那么就把他搞胡涂吧！
25. If you can’t explain it to your mentor, just confuse him!
26.你不是黄蓉，你只是蝗虫，你为嘛要靖哥哥？你真不要脸。
26. You’re not Huang Rong; you’re just a locust. Why do you want Jing Ge? You’re shameless.
27.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧？
27. So shameless and heartless, you must be very light, right?
28.路上见一车，车后贴着六个字：着急你飞过去。
28. I saw a car on the road with six words on the back: If you’re in a hurry, fly past.
29.我说过做人要低调。可你非要给我掌声和尖叫。
29. I said to be low-key, but you insist on giving me applause and screams.
30.女人是招商银行，男人则是建设银行。
30. Women are like the Merchants Bank, while men are like the Construction Bank.
31.低调闷骚的高调，高调被打的征兆。
31. Low-key and introverted, but acting high-profile, a sign of getting beaten up.
32.你要是鲜花，以后牛都不敢拉屎了。
32. If you were a flower, cows would dare not defecate anymore.
33.女人装比那叫资本，男人装比那叫变态。
33. Women showing off is called capital, while men showing off is called perversion.
34.不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有惊喜，畅享多一瓶。
34. I’m not afraid of drinking敌敌畏 (a pesticide), I’m afraid of the surprise when I open the cap, enjoying an extra bottle.
35.我一定要出现你家户口本上，做不了你老公，也做你小爹。
35. I must appear on your household registration book, if not as your husband, then as your father-in-law.
36.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
36. Handsome and with a car, that’s chess; having money and a house, that’s a bank.
37.哥吸烟、是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
37. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
38.花有百样红，人与狗不同。
38. Flowers come in a hundred shades of red, but people are different from dogs.
39.男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
39. Men get dumped for money issues, women for appearance issues; I get dumped because you have a problem in your fucking head.
40.人生自古谁无死，哪个拉屎不用纸。
40. Since ancient times, who has not died? Who doesn’t use toilet paper when defecating?
41.人生就像大便，一旦冲走了，就不会再回来。
41. Life is like feces; once it’s flushed away, it won’t come back.
42.人长得漂亮不如活得漂亮！
42. It’s better to live beautifully than to be physically attractive.
43.前途是光明的、道路是没有的。
43. The future is bright, but there’s no path to get there.
44.不想当神父的道士不是好和尚。
44. A Taoist who doesn’t want to be a priest is not a good monk.
45.不是人人都能活的低调，可以低调的基础是随时都能高调。
45. Not everyone can live a low-profile life; the basis for being low-key is the ability to be high-profile at any time.
46.不怕路远，就怕志短，不怕缓慢，就怕常站;不怕贫穷，就怕惰懒，不怕对手悍，就怕自己颤。
46. Don’t be afraid of a long journey, but be afraid of a short ambition. Don’t be afraid of being slow, but be afraid of always standing still. Don’t be afraid of poverty, but be afraid of laziness. Don’t be afraid of a fierce opponent, but be afraid of trembling yourself.
47.逆风的方向，更适合飞翔。我不怕万人阻挡，只怕自己投降。
47. The direction against the wind is more suitable for flying. I’m not afraid of thousands of people blocking me, but I’m afraid of surrendering myself.
48.你想死呢、还是你不想活拉。
48. Do you want to die, or do you not want to live anymore?
49.没有激情，爱就不会燃烧，没有友情，朋就不会满座，没有豪情，志就难于实现，没有心情，事就难于完成。
49. Without passion, love won’t burn. Without friendship, friends won’t gather. Without ambition, it’s hard to achieve goals. Without mood, it’s hard to accomplish tasks.
50.大事坚持原则，小事学会变通。
50. Stick to principles in major matters, and learn to be flexible in minor ones.
51.出门在外，老婆有交待，坐车莫坐第一排，菜夹不到站起来，喝酒别把胃喝坏，路边野花不要采，情人莫带屋里来。
51. When traveling outside, my wife has instructed me: don’t sit in the first row of the bus, stand up if I can’t reach the food, don’t drink alcohol to the point of damaging my stomach, don’t pick wildflowers by the roadside, and don’t bring lovers back home.
52.要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
52. To say someone has a problem with their brain, one must first have a brain.
53.让女孩变成女人是作为男人最基本的责任和义务。
53. Turning a girl into a woman is the most basic responsibility and obligation of a man.
54.女人无所谓正派，正派是因为受到的引诱不够，男人无所谓忠诚，忠诚是因为背叛的筹码太低。
54. Women are not inherently virtuous; they may just not have faced enough temptation. Men are not inherently loyal; they may just not have received a high enough betrayal reward.
55.你你你这个小妖精，令我中了你的爱情毒却迟迟不肯给我解药！小坏蛋！哦，我快要不行了！救救我吧！办法很简单：给我你的爱！
55. You, you, you little demoness, have made me fall for your love poison but refuse to give me the antidote! Naughty! Oh, I can’t take it anymore! Save me! The solution is simple: give me your love!
56.感觉不到痛苦的爱情不是真正的爱情，感觉不到幸福的婚姻必是悲哀的婚姻。
56. A love without pain is not true love, and a marriage without happiness is a tragic marriage.
57.穿着恒源祥的毛衣，提着脑白金的礼盒，拿着三精葡萄酸钙，嘬着太极急支糖浆，哪儿人多奔哪儿去这就算行为艺术了吧。
57. Wearing a Heng Yuan Xiang sweater, carrying a Nao Bai Jin gift box, holding Sanjing grape calcium, and sipping Tai Chi urgent support syrup - going where there are crowds can be considered performance art, right?
58.长大了，娶唐僧做老公，能玩就玩一玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
58. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as my husband, play with him if possible, and eat him if not.
59.不该看的不看，不该说的不说，不该听的不听，不该想的不想，该干什么干什么去。
59. Don’t look at what you shouldn’t, don’t say what you shouldn’t, don’t listen to what you shouldn’t, and don’t think about what you shouldn’t. Just do what you should be doing.
60.别跟我谈感情，谈感情伤钱。
60. Don’t talk to me about emotions; talking about emotions hurts money.
61.爱情有时很像醉酒的感觉，头脑明明是清醒的，但行为就是不受控制。
61. Love sometimes feels like being drunk; the mind is clearly sober, but the behavior is uncontrollable.
62.别说一辈子，别说永远，谁能对未来承诺呢？我们能把握的，无非是当时当地的感情。但一辈子，也是无数个现在组成的，努力好了每个瞬间，也就是永远了。
62. Don’t say a lifetime, don’t say forever, who can promise the future? What we can grasp is nothing more than the feelings of the moment. But a lifetime is also made up of countless moments, and if we strive to do well in every instant, it will be forever.
63.为中华而努力读书！一包中华好多钱啊！
63. Study hard for China! A pack of Zhonghua cigarettes costs a lot!
64.和谐校园里，骑自行车的也许是位博导，而开奔驰的则可能是个后勤。
64. In a harmonious campus, the person riding a bicycle might be a professor, while the one driving a Mercedes could be a logistician.
65.其实人活着的时候就是一个躯壳，死了就变成一堆骨灰。
65. In fact, when people are alive, they are just a shell, and when they die, they become a pile of ashes.
66.我对你的心，比钻石还坚硬。。。。。。不会是心结石吧？
66. My heart for you is harder than diamond… It’s not kidney stones, is it?
67.你发神经的时候，就像猪上树一样让人吃惊。
67. When you go crazy, it’s as surprising as a pig climbing a tree.
68.话说动物园有一只猴子，奇丑无比，人见人吐！第二天我去看了，我吐了！第三天你去了，猴子吐了！
68. There was a monkey in the zoo, incredibly ugly, making people vomit upon seeing it! The next day, I went to see it, and I vomited! The third day, you went, and the monkey vomited!
69.人生就像一块破铜烂铁，把它扔进火里，敲敲打打，也能炼出一副精品！
69. Life is like a piece of scrap metal; throw it into the fire, hammer it, and you can still forge a masterpiece!
70.完美的男友：不吸烟，不喝酒，不欺骗。不存在！
70. The perfect boyfriend: doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t cheat. Doesn’t exist!
71.一般般的我，一般般的亮。一般般的你，我看不上！
71. I’m just average, and so is my brightness. You’re average too, but I can’t see you!
72.地铁上的广告：挤吗？买辆车吧！出租车上的广告：赌吗？坐地铁吧！靠，忽悠我还是怎么着！
72. Subway advertisement: Crowded? Buy a car! Taxi advertisement: Gambling? Take the subway! Damn, are you kidding me or what?
73.知道高晓松为啥喝醉酒不？那是因为药家鑫想让他唱一首“同牢的你”。
73. Do you know why Gao Xiaosong got drunk? It’s because Yao Jiaxin wanted him to sing “You in the Same Cell.”
74.今天MM的生日，为了第一个送上祝福，凌晨我准时拿起手机发了一条信息：沙发。
74. Today is MM’s birthday, and in order to be the first to send my blessings, I picked up my phone on time in the early morning and sent a message: Sofa.
75.靠山吃山，靠水吃水，今天抢劫，不许不给，谁要反抗，让他见鬼。
75. Live off the mountain and eat its resources, live off the water and eat its resources. Today, if you don’t give when robbed, whoever resists will be doomed!
76.昨天是历史，今天是开始，明天谁都不好使！
76. Yesterday is history, today is the beginning, and no one will be effective tomorrow!
77.最近神马开始变驴腿了，浮云变雨水了！
77. Recently, the mythical horse has turned into a donkey’s leg, and the floating clouds have turned into raindrops!
78.我只顾着往后看，却没有在意前面的路有多长。
78. I was only looking back, not paying attention to how long the road ahead was.
79.没有强大的主人，别以为你是狗就可以乱咬人！
79. Without a powerful owner, don’t think you can bite people just because you’re a dog!
80.枕着打印机睡，就能打印出一整夜的梦吧？
80. Sleeping with a printer as a pillow, can you print a whole night of dreams?
81.系好安全带，前方也许有场爱情正等着你。
81. Fasten your seatbelt, there might be a love waiting for you ahead.
82.小明：“爸爸我是不是傻孩子啊？”爸爸：“傻孩子，你怎么会是傻孩子呢？”
82. Xiao Ming: “Dad, am I a silly child?” Dad: “Silly child, how could you be a silly child?”
83.人生就像一场旅行，在乎的不是目的地。而是沿途的“NB”，以及对付“NB”时的心情！
83. Life is like a journey, it’s not about the destination. It’s about the “NB” along the way and the mood when dealing with the “NB”!
84.站在岁月的岸边，向自己的过往打个水漂吧……
84. Standing on the shore of time, let’s skip a stone across the waters of our past…
85.有时候老天下一场雨，是因为世界需要洗一洗，有时候眼睛下雨了，是因为心需要洗一洗！
85. Sometimes the heavens rain because the world needs a wash, and sometimes eyes rain because the heart needs a wash.
86.我是穷人，请勿盗墓！
86. I am poor, please do not rob my grave!
87.别以为你比我年轻，你就能多蹦跶几天，棺材装的是死人不是老人！
87. Don’t think that just because you’re younger than me, you can bounce around for more days. A coffin carries the dead, not the old.
88.名人名言，你得先是名人了那才是名言，别人的屁都是名屁！你能比吗？
88. A famous quote only becomes a famous quote when you’re a celebrity. Even the farts of others are famous farts! Can you compare?
89.哥是文明人，所有脏话均已使用唾液消毒。
89. I am a civilized person, all dirty words have been disinfected with saliva.
90.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：老子终于不用怕鬼了。
90. If I die, my first sentence will be: I am finally not afraid of ghosts anymore.
91.我这一生一共做错两件事，其一是生出来，另一是活下去。
91. In my life, I’ve made two mistakes, one is being born, and the other is living on.
92.有棱有角的害处是，别人啃起你来十分方便。
92. The disadvantage of having edges and corners is that it’s very convenient for others to bite you.
93.走不进的世界就不要硬挤了，难为了别人，作贱了自己，何必呢？
93. If you can’t enter a world, don’t force your way in. It’s difficult for others and degrades yourself. Why bother?
94.看过水浒传吗？唐僧师徒四人被贾宝玉逼上梁山的故事。
94. Have you read Water Margin? The story of Tang Seng and his three disciples being forced onto Liangshan by Jia Baoyu.
95.每次看到情侣，我就会唱那首歌，”分手快乐，祝你快乐”。
95. Every time I see a couple, I sing that song, “Happy breakup, wish you happiness.”
96.老人不能打小孩，不能打女人，不能打男人往死里打。
96. The elderly should not hit children, women, or beat men to death.
97.如果领导下个月再不给我加薪，我就辞职，辞职前再给他送两条中华，抽死他。
97. If my leader doesn’t give me a raise next month, I will resign. Before resigning, I will send him two packs of Zhonghua cigarettes to smoke him to death.
98.我娘说浪子回头金不换，谁给我金子？我换。
98. My mother said that a prodigal son who returns is more valuable than gold. Who will give me gold? I’ll change.
99.爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
99. Grandfathers were once grandsons…
100.你说你是我朋友，其实我知道，动物的确是人类的朋友。
100. You say you are my friend, but I know that animals are indeed friends of humans.
1.本人口儿重，拟禁绝可乐，改喝急支糖浆。
1. I have a strong taste, planning to quit cola and switch to emergency cough syrup.
2.你没事儿老梦我干吗，我忙你不知道吗?
2. Why do you always dream about me when I’m busy? Don’t you know I’m busy?
3.别对我用美男计，否则我将计就计。
3. Don’t try to charm me with your good looks, or I’ll play along.
4.算命先生说我会在八十岁的时候遇到一生中就重要的女人，她叫孟婆。
4. The fortune teller said I would meet the most important woman in my life when I’m 80 years old, her name is Meng Po.
5.他跟我说分手，我刚想回话，他却说发错人了。
5. He told me he wanted to break up, but as I was about to respond, he said he sent the message to the wrong person.
6.除了清明节，中国人能把所有的节日都当成情人节！
6. Except for the Qingming Festival, Chinese people can turn any holiday into Valentine’s Day!
7.我有时在想，是不是因为我太胖了，所以钻不进你的心房。
7. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m too fat that I can’t fit into your heart.
8.每次看你吃猪肉的时候我都感慨万分，本是同根生相煎何太急。
8. Every time I see you eat pork, I feel deeply moved. We are born from the same root, why be so eager to cook each other?
9.又把老婆惹毛了，道歉了也没用，她气呼呼地在家里转圈：“哼！我要去买个贵的东西！”我一听，有转机！花钱消灾呗！马上说：“好啊!我陪你去买。”然后我们一起去了小商品市场买了个搓衣板回来……
9. I angered my wife again, and apologizing was useless. She stormed around the house, saying, “I’m going to buy something expensive!” I thought there was a chance for reconciliation! Spend money to avoid disaster! I immediately said, “Great! I’ll go with you to buy it.” Then we went to a small commodity market and bought a washboard…
10.我恨秦始皇，他烧书，竟然没有烧完。
10. I hate Emperor Qin Shi Huang, he burned books but didn’t finish the job.
11.去买水，老板说两块，我说瓶子上写着建议零售价一块五啊？老板说：“我不接受他的建议！”
11. When buying water, the boss said it was two yuan, but I said the suggested retail price on the bottle was 1.5 yuan. The boss replied, “I don’t accept his suggestion!”
12.学校塌了，便是晴天。
12. If the school collapses, it’s a sunny day.
13.神啊！如果没办法把我变瘦的话！就把我的朋友们变胖吧！
13. God! If you can’t make me thin, then make my friends fat!
14.女孩为男孩做可乐鸡翅，男孩尝了一口说真好吃，女孩也吃了一口说，骗子，根本没熟。男孩温柔的说，傻瓜，你做什么我都觉得好吃。几天后，男孩和女孩禽流感死了。这个故事告诉我们，秀恩爱，死的快！
14. A girl made cola chicken wings for a boy. After taking a bite, the boy said they were delicious. The girl also took a bite and said, “Liar, they’re not cooked.” The boy gently said, “Fool, I think everything you make is delicious.” A few days later, the boy and girl died of bird flu. This story tells us that showing off love leads to a quick death!
15.天将降大任于斯人也，必先关其手机，停其流量，盗其账号，拔其网线，方能告别学渣，修成学霸。
15. Heaven will bestow great responsibilities on this person, but first, they must turn off their phone, cut off their data, steal their account, and unplug their internet cable, so as to bid farewell to being a poor student and become a top student.
16.夏天的时候，洗澡简直像是在帮蚊子洗菜。
16. In summer, taking a shower feels like helping mosquitoes wash vegetables.
17.这个夏天出门就是进烤箱，走路就是麻辣烫，坐下就是铁板烧，还是别下雨了，下雨就成水煮鱼。
17. Going out in this summer is like entering an oven, walking is like eating spicy hot pot, sitting is like iron plate烧, it’s better not to rain, or it’ll become boiled fish.
18.忽然发现，霍去病和辛弃疾是情侣名。
18. Suddenly, I realized that Huo Qubing and Xin Qiji are couple names.
19.其实，我以前个子挺高的只不过后来经常洗澡缩水了而已。
19. Actually, I used to be tall, but I shrank from taking too many showers.
20.这年头，不早恋，不犯贱，不作弊，不叛逆，不抄作业，不玩手机，都没人相信你是学生。
20. Nowadays, if you haven’t had a puppy love, haven’t been shameless, haven’t cheated, haven’t rebelled, haven’t copied homework, or haven’t played with your phone, no one would believe you’re a student.
21.老师没收了我的游戏机，期末还给我时，我发现游戏全部通关了。
21. The teacher confiscated my game console, and when she returned it to me at the end of the term, I found that all the games had been completed.
22.我觉得对陌生人应该友善一点，像路上碰到金融保险、英语培训、留学服务、情趣酒店、相亲中介、不孕不育的产品推销和调查问卷，我从来都是耐心和气地答完填上前男友的姓名住址电话。
22. I think we should be friendlier to strangers, like when I encounter salespeople or surveyors for financial insurance, English training, study abroad services, themed hotels, matchmaking agencies, and infertility treatments on the street. I always patiently and politely answer their questions and fill in my ex-boyfriend’s name, address, and phone number.
23.肉啊肉，有本事别冲腿来、冲胸来！
23. Meat, if you dare, don’t come at my legs or chest!
24.时间就像是乳沟，挤一挤，总还是会有的！
24. Time is like a cleavage; if you squeeze it, there’s always a little left!
25.下辈子我要当男人，娶一个像我这么好的女人。
25. In my next life, I want to be a man and marry a woman as wonderful as myself.
26.家长会和小三的性质一样，都是破坏家庭和谐的！
26. Parent-teacher conferences are like mistresses; both disrupt family harmony!
27.有一次我问一个快递小哥他是什么通，他说“通通通通通通你就知道通我都给你送了半年快递了你居然还问我是什么通人家是韵达韵达韵韵达韵达韵达啦！”
27. Once, I asked a courier what company he was from, and he said, “You’ve known me for half a year, and you still ask what company I’m from? I’m from Yunda! Yunda, Yunda, Yunda, Yunda!”
28.便秘后陈医生给我开了一个疗程的电钻。
28. After I had constipation, Dr. Chen prescribed me a course of electric drills.
29.班主任的课，同桌趴在桌上睡觉，班主任大怒，给我使眼色，我立即领会，然后在众目睽睽之下脱掉外套，披在同桌身上，多体贴的班主任啊！
29. During the headteacher’s class, my deskmate was sleeping on the table. The headteacher was furious and gave me a meaningful look. I immediately understood and, in front of everyone, took off my coat and put it on my deskmate. How considerate the headteacher was!
30.问：你为女人哭过吗？答：哭过。问：谁？答：我妈，被打的老惨了，哭得嗓子都哑了。
30. Q: Have you ever cried for a woman? A: Yes. Q: Who? A: My mom, she was beaten so badly that she cried until her voice was hoarse.
31.电风扇是人类最好的朋友，我问电风扇我长的丑吗？风扇默默地摇了一晚上的头。
31. The electric fan is the best friend of mankind. I asked the fan if I’m ugly, and it silently shook its head all night.
32.“以我的颜值要是在古代，我能撑起整个青楼！”“你是说你长得像柱子吗？”
32. “With my appearance, if I were in ancient times, I could support an entire brothel!” “Are you saying I look like a pillar?”
33.邻居家一小正太，今年岁，上幼儿园，整天在学校丢文具。那天他爸火了：“就你整天丢，也没见你往回拿…”结果第二天，一回家就往沙发倒了一堆铅笔、本子……
33. A little boy from my neighbor’s family is in kindergarten this year and always loses his stationery at school. One day, his father got angry and said, “You always lose things, but I don’t see you bringing any back.” The next day, as soon as he got home, he dumped a pile of pencils and notebooks on the sofa…
34.闺蜜最近几天老来我家蹭饭，而且每次都吃的挺少，我就问：“怎么不多吃点？”闺蜜：“我每次减肥，又控制不住自己的嘴的时候，就想来你家蹭饭。毕竟，没有人做的饭像你做的这样，吃了第一口就不想吃第二口。”我：“你给我出去……”
34. My best friend has been coming to my house for meals lately, and she always eats very little. I asked, “Why don’t you eat more?” She replied, “Every time I’m on a diet and can’t control my mouth, I come to your house for a meal. After all, no one cooks like you do; after the first bite, I don’t want to eat the second.” I said, “Get out of my house…”
35.生活很讨厌，还好我很可爱。
35. Life is annoying, but luckily, I’m adorable.
36.“你在干啥”“我在照镜子，”“那你闭着眼睛干啥”“我在看我睡觉的样子”。
36. “What are you doing?” “I’m looking in the mirror.” “Then why are your eyes closed?” “I’m trying to see what I look like when I sleep.”
37.“你的拿手好菜是什么，”“我烧的白开水还不错”。
37. “What’s your signature dish?” “My boiled water is pretty good.”
38.“从小到大，有没有一个人想起来让你心里又甜又酸的？”“有啊，我家门口卖糖葫芦那个大叔。”
38. “Has there ever been someone who makes you feel both sweet and sour when you think of them?” “Yes, the old man who sells candied hawthorns near my house.”
39.让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
39. Let the storm come even stronger; I’m selling umbrellas anyway!
40.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
40. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!
41.“捷克斯洛伐克”！我叫JACK，我老婆总这样抱怨我。
41. “Czechoslovakia”! My name is Jack, and that’s what my wife always complains about.
42.高中时每人发个胸牌。一次来检查前，班主任跑到教室大声喊，大家快把胸罩戴起来，来检查的啦…全场鸦雀无声…
42. In high school, everyone was given a badge. Once, before an inspection, the headteacher ran to the classroom and shouted loudly, “Everyone, put on your bras, the inspectors are coming…” The whole room fell silent.
43.不在放荡中变坏，就在沉默中变态。
43. Either you become bad in indulgence, or you become abnormal in silence.
44.有时解释是不必要的，敌人不信你的解释，朋友无须你的解释。
44. Sometimes explanation is unnecessary, for the enemy does not believe your explanation, and friends have no need for it.
45.一张文凭、二国语言(精通英文)、三房一厅、四季名牌、五官端正、六六(落落)大方、七千月薪、八面玲珑、九(酒)烟不沾、十分老实。
45. A diploma, two languages (proficient in English), three bedrooms and a living room, four seasons of famous brands, good-looking features, generous and elegant, a monthly salary of 7,000, smooth interpersonal skills, no smoking or drinking, and being very honest.
46.我们产生一点小分歧：她希望我把粪土变黄金，我希望她视黄金如粪土！
46. We have a minor disagreement: she wants me to turn dirt into gold, while I want her to treat gold like dirt.
47.师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
47. Master, please yield to me! … A long time later… Master, please spare me!
48.男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
48. There is gold beneath a man’s knees, but even after cutting off my whole leg, I didn’t find even a piece of copper!
49.人不能低下高贵的头，但捡钱时例外。
49. One should not lower their noble head, except when picking up money.
50.小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
50. When I was young, I thought I could save the whole world when I grew up. But when I grew up, I realized the whole world couldn’t save me.
51.如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
51. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five dollars, I could make a small fortune.
52.一个漂亮的妹纸问我说：嗨，你有女朋友吗？我心里一激动说：没有。妹纸拎起裙脚原地转了一圈说：你看漂亮吗？我心跳加速的说：漂亮。妹纸接着说：恩，我也这么觉得，这是男朋友送我的。
52. A pretty girl asked me, “Hey, do you have a girlfriend?” I got excited and said, “No.” The girl lifted her skirt and spun around, asking, “Do you think I’m pretty?” My heart raced as I said, “Yes, very pretty.” She then said, “Well, I think so too. This skirt was a gift from my boyfriend.”
53.有人说走路玩手机容易出车祸，卧槽吓得我开始跑着玩。
53. Some say walking while using a phone can lead to accidents. Damn, that scared me into running while using my phone.
54.有时候你不努力一下，你都不知道什么叫绝望。
54. Sometimes if you don’t try hard, you won’t know what despair is.
55.“你怎么这么矮。”“因为我一直在迷你啊！”
55. “Why are you so short?” “Because I’ve always been miniaturizing!”
56.都说聊天止于呵呵，我就不相信，昨天给男神发消息说：好喜欢你。他说：呵呵。我回答道：呵呵尼玛个壁。于是和他对骂了一个晚上。
56. They say chatting stops at “hehe,” but I don’t believe it. Yesterday, I sent a message to my crush saying, “I really like you.” He replied, “hehe.” I answered, “Hehe your ass!” So we ended up cursing at each other all night.
57.我吻过你的脸，都是隔离霜、bb霜、防晒霜，感觉一口吃了好多钱。
57. I’ve kissed your face, which was covered in makeup, BB cream, and sunscreen. It feels like I’ve eaten a lot of money in one mouthful.
58.“我胸小你介意吗”“不介意，我喜欢青梅竹马的感觉”“什么意思”“从小玩到大”。
58. “Do you mind that I have a small chest?” “No, I like the feeling of childhood sweethearts.” “What does that mean?” “Growing up together.”
59.在餐厅偶遇初中女同学，但是她不记得我了，我便提醒她说：“你还记得初中时候，因为和你在小树林亲嘴被处分的那个男生吗？”她小脸一红，有些激动的说：“难道你就是当时那个……”我惭愧一笑：“没错，我就是当时告密的那个人！”
59. I bumped into a female classmate from junior high at a restaurant, but she didn’t remember me. So I reminded her, “Do you remember the boy who was punished for kissing you in the woods during junior high?” Her face turned red, and she asked excitedly, “Are you the one…?” I smiled sheepishly and said, “Yes, I’m the one who snitched!”
60.“一整个披萨你要切块还是块？”“块吧，块我吃不下。”
60. “Do you want the whole pizza cut into pieces or blocks?” “Blocks, because I can’t eat that many pieces.”
61.刚刚被吵醒，就听见小区里有个男人大喊：打死，打死，往死打，反了，反了。这是要出大事的节奏啊!看看怎么回事，我赶紧起床，跑到窗前……我去，一个男人指挥媳妇倒车呢！
61. I was just woken up by the noise and heard a man in the community shouting: “Beat him, beat him, beat him to death, rebellion, rebellion.” It seems like something big is about to happen! I quickly got up, ran to the window… Oh, it’s just a man directing his wife to reverse the car!
62.我对象很好，象对我也很好，而且我对马，兔子，狗都很好。
62. My partner is very good, and elephants are also good to me. I’m also kind to horses, rabbits, and dogs.
63.如果以后全世界都没有人要你，一定要记得还有我，我也不要你。
63. If no one in the world wants you in the future, remember that I still don’t want you.
64.和闺蜜出去旅游，累了在树下休息。突然几滴鸟屎滴到我脸上了，我还没反应过来，闺蜜就拿手帮我抹匀，边说，你的防晒霜没摸匀呢。
64. While traveling with my best friend, we took a break under a tree when a few bird droppings fell on my face. Before I could react, my friend started wiping it off, saying, “Your sunscreen isn’t evenly applied.”
65.“警察叔叔，我的包丢了”“放心吧，包在我身上”“那你还我！”
65. “Officer, I lost my bag.” “Don’t worry, I’ve got it.” “Then give it back to me!”
66.有旳人活着，他已经死了。有的人活着，他早该死了。
66. Some people are alive, but they’re already dead. Others are alive, but they should have died long ago.
67.什么叫寂寞？就是五十块的话费居然用了三个月还没用完……三个月啊！
67. What’s loneliness? It means that a 50-yuan phone bill has lasted for three months and hasn’t run out… three months!
68.一直听别人说，开房怎么怎么爽，终于有一天我忍不住去开房了……还真是爽啊，一个人睡这么大一张床！
68. I always heard that staying in a hotel room was amazing, and one day I couldn’t resist trying it… It was indeed great, sleeping alone in such a big bed!
69.据说今年夏天全国各地如今都在追悼一个叫热的家伙——“热死了！”
69. It is said that this summer, people all over the country are mourning a guy named “Heat” – “We’re heat-dead!”
70.讲课时女老师裤子拉链开了，一女生站起来提醒：老师，你门没关!老师一摆手：不管它一会儿教导主任要来参观。
70. During a lecture, a female teacher’s pants zipper was open. A student s
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