1.你的笑容比阳光下那坨狗屎还灿烂。
1. Your smile is even more brilliant than a pile of dog poop in the sunlight.
2.那些总说别人装逼的人，你们连逼都不是。
2. Those who always call others show-offs are not even worth mentioning.
3.我不恨你，因为我不想记住你。
3. I don’t hate you because I don’t want to remember you.
4.孔子曰：西游记就是孙悟空念咒，唐僧发疯。
4. Confucius said: The Journey to the West is just Sun Wukong chanting spells and Tang Sanzang going mad.
5.别人笑我太淫荡，我笑他人不开放。
5. Others laugh at me for being too promiscuous, but I laugh at them for not being open-minded.
6.对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完后，死机了。
6. I sang “Tantrum” to the computer, and after finishing the song, it crashed.
7.想死，买了瓶农药，盖子上写——再来一瓶。
7. I wanted to die, so I bought a bottle of pesticide, and the cap said - “One more bottle for free.”
8.鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
8. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.
9.一觉醒来，天都黑了。
9. I woke up and it was already dark outside.
10.为什么一看书，就困呢？因为书，是梦开始的地方。
10. Why do I feel sleepy when reading a book? Because a book is where dreams begin.
11.好马不吃回头草，所以我一直不回头向前绕圈走，结果我又碰上那草了。
11. A good horse doesn’t eat the grass behind it, so I keep walking forward without looking back. But then I ran into that grass again.
12.其实，我有一个角度看上去很帅，只不过你们没有找到罢了。
12. In fact, there is an angle from which I look handsome, but you just haven’t found it yet.
13.友情不是靠酒喝出来的，但是可以用酒来回味！如果说你不装B的话咱们还可以做朋友。
13. Friendship is not built on drinking alcohol, but we can reminisce about it with a drink! If you don’t act like a show-off, we can still be friends.
14.三鹿和蒙牛告诉我们一个道理：畜生是靠不住的。
14. Sanlu and Mengniu teach us a lesson: Animals can’t be trusted.
15.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身。
15. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over.
16.在神经的人群里呆久了，我发现我正常了。
16. After spending time with crazy people, I found out that I’m normal.
17.我们老板是小怪兽，我们是奥特曼。但我们见了老板就跑，因为我们没带召唤器。
17. Our boss is the little monster, and we are the Ultraman. But when we see the boss, we run away because we don’t have our summoners.
18.生活中处处都有惊吓，你就是其中一个。
18. There are surprises everywhere in life, and you are one of them.
19.爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
19. I am not your little raccoon, and I can’t bring you endless joy.
20.我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
20. I want to say I am just a miserable person, and the day of the world’s end is my birthday.
21.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
21. What is the purpose of living? Just for those great Chairman Mao notes.
22.长得丑不是你的错，你老实er的不行么，非得得瑟一下，让我们知道你是大哥。
22. It’s not your fault for being ugly, but can’t you just be honest? You have to show off and let everyone know you’re the boss.
23.吃货的人生就像一列火车，总结起来就是，逛吃，逛吃，逛吃。
23. A foodie’s life is like a train, which can be summarized as: shopping and eating, shopping and eating, shopping and eating.
24.诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验！
24. Zhuge Liang didn’t lead troops before he came out of the mountain, so why do you expect me to have work experience?
25.不要同没有素质的人争论，因为那就像与猪摔跤，赢了不光荣，输了更丢人。
25. Don’t argue with people who have no quality, because it’s like wrestling with a pig. Winning is not glorious, and losing is even more humiliating.
26.给我订两张去天庭的机票，我要亲自找月老，逼着他给我牵一条红线。
26. Book me two tickets to heaven, I want to find the Matchmaker myself and force him to tie a red thread for me.
27.每年夏天晒黑了，我总是会想“没事，冬天就修复好了。
27. Every summer, when I get tanned, I always think, “No problem, it will be repaired in winter.”
28.遗传学淡定的告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
28. Genetics calmly tells us: cross-species love is doomed to have no good results.
29.烟熏装很美，让我成了众人举目的熊猫。
29. Smoky makeup is beautiful, but it makes me the panda that everyone looks at.
30.你矮是终身的，我胖却是暂时的。
30. Your shortness is lifelong, but my fat is temporary.
31.你说，哪天我不要你了，你一定终身不嫁，让我内疚。
31. You said that if one day I don’t want you anymore, you will never marry, making me feel guilty.
32.你美中不足的是，就是有太多的不足了。
32. The only flaw in your beauty is that there are too many flaws.
33.车到山前必有路，哪怕山前拆车卖轱辘。
33. When the car reaches the mountain, there must be a road, even if it’s disassembling the car and selling the wheels in front of the mountain.
34.在这低调的世界里，我不得不用高调来掩饰自己。
34. In this low-key world, I have to use high-profile to cover myself.
35.没钱的时候，在家里吃野菜，有钱的时候，在酒店吃野菜。
35. When I have no money, I eat wild vegetables at home; when I have money, I eat wild vegetables in the hotel.
36.俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字！
36. I never write wrong characters, but I write phonetic characters!
37.勃起不是万能的，但不能勃起却是万万都不能的！
37. Erections are not omnipotent, but not being able to erect is absolutely impossible!
38.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌。
38. I borrowed a friend’s car and was told to refuel it when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for it.
39.出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
39. When there’s a problem, first look for the reasons in yourself, don’t blame the Earth’s gravity for your constipation.
40.也因寂寞难耐，谈过几次恋爱。谁知屡战屡败，轻轻松松被踹！
40. Because of unbearable loneliness, I’ve had a few relationships. But every time I was defeated and easily dumped!
41.白天瞎JB忙，晚上JB瞎忙。
41. Busy all day for no reason, and busy at night for no reason too.
42.做一个徘徊在牛A和牛C之间的人。
42. Be a person wandering between A and C.
43.问：“我的头像牛B吗？”答：“像！
43. Ask: “Is my avatar awesome?” Answer: “Yes, it is!”
44.问一个淡淡的问题：鸟儿为什么爱在电线上排排坐？最佳解释是在线才能聊天。
44. Ask a subtle question: Why do birds love to sit on power lines? The best explanation is that they can chat while online.
45.卖花的小姑娘拉着我：“大哥哥买花吧一看就知道你是花心的人。”
45. The flower-selling girl tugs at me: “Big brother, buy flowers! I can tell at a glance that you’re a flirtatious person.”
46.泼出去的水，老子连盆子都不要了。
46. I don’t even want the pot when I spill the water.
47.给我一双筷子。我可以吃掉整个地球。
47. Give me a pair of chopsticks, and I can eat the whole Earth.
48.别烦我，再烦我，你一会就掉茅坑了。
48. Don’t bother me, or you’ll end up in the latrine in a moment.
49.别回头，哥恋的只是你的背影。
49. Don’t look back, I’m just in love with your back.
50.哥吸烟，是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
50. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
51.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
51. Everything has a price; the price of happiness is pain.
52.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
52. When there are legends in the world, it’s a shame not to have a stormy city.
53.打死我也不说，你们还没使美人计呢！
53. I won’t tell you even if you kill me, you haven’t used the beauty trick yet!
54.大理石牌鞋垫，要脚不要脸。
54. Marble nameplate insoles, caring more about feet than face.
55.出来混，迟早会烦的。
55. If you come out to play, you’ll eventually get annoyed.
56.打你就打你，还要挑日子吗？
56. Why choose a day to hit you? I’ll do it now!
57.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
57. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
58.在这个什么都涨价的时代里，我突然欣喜地发现，空气没有涨价，反倒是料越来越多了。
58. In this era of rising prices, I’m delighted to find that the air hasn’t become more expensive; instead, there’s more stuff in it.
59.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
59. Let me kneel on the washboard instead; I can’t stand kneeling in front of the electric heater!
60.女人一生最喜欢两朵花：一是有钱花，二是尽量花！
60. Women love two kinds of flowers in their lives: one is spending money, and the other is trying their best to spend!
61.两只鸳鸯同命鸟，一对蝴蝶可怜虫。
61. Two mandarin ducks share the same fate, while a pair of butterflies are pitiful creatures.
62.天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
62. I won’t bend down if money falls from the sky, because even pies don’t fall from the sky, let alone money.
63.是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
63. Everyone has a dark side. If you insist on saying you’re innocent, then I have to say, you’re not human!
64.有时候，除了谎言是真的，其它全是假的！
64. Sometimes, except for lies, everything else is fake!
65.鸳鸯戏水，都他妈淹死；比翼双飞，都他妈摔死！
65. Mandarin ducks playing in the water all drown; birds flying side by side all crash to the ground!
66.明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱的光光的却被抓起来了！
66. Celebrities become more famous when they strip a little, but I got arrested when I stripped completely naked!
67.暧昧就是我找你借钱，你没说借，也没说不借，而是只说你老公不在家……
67. Ambiguity is when I ask you for a loan, and instead of saying yes or no, you just mention that your husband is not at home…
68.俗话说：你笑，全世界都跟着你笑；你哭，全世界只有你一个人哭。
68. As the saying goes: If you laugh, the whole world laughs with you; if you cry, only you cry alone.
69.当我看见美女的时候，首先摸摸兜里，看看有没有钱！
69. When I see a beautiful woman, I first check my pocket to see if I have any money!
70.谁说我白，瘦，漂亮，我就跟他做好朋友。
70. If anyone says I’m white, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be their best friend.
71.洗澡中，请勿打扰，偷窥请购票，个体四十，团体八折！
71. Do not disturb during shower, peeping is allowed with a ticket, individual 40, group 20% discount!
72.师太，你等着，老衲去让佛祖赐婚！
72. Wait, my dear nun, I’ll go ask the Buddha for a marriage blessing!
73.我太纯洁了，我纯洁的都有些无耻了！
73. I’m so pure that even I feel shameless!
74.穿潮了，潮过头就是非主流，穿性感，性感过头就是坐台的。
74. Dressing trendy, too much of it becomes non-mainstream; dressing sexy, too much of it makes you look like a prostitute.
75.我的进步让他刮目相看，从此他失去了双眼。
75. My progress made him take a new look at me, and since then, he has lost both his eyes.
76.我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
76. I said I prefer Li Bai’s poetry, Lu You got angry, and then my home lost its internet connection.
77.心狠手辣的我，舔了一下自己的手指，被辣哭了。
77. As a ruthless person, I licked my own finger and cried because it was so spicy.
78.老师的教诲，小明没齿难忘，于是第二天，他镶了一副假牙。
78. The teachings of the teacher were unforgettable for Xiao Ming, so the next day, he got a set of dentures.
79.愚公临死前，把儿子叫到床前。愚公：移山移山!儿子：亮晶晶?愚公猝
79. On his deathbed, Yu Gong called his son over. Yu Gong: “Move the mountain, move the mountain!” Son: “Twinkle, twinkle?” Yu Gong passed away.
80.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
80. If exams used QB as rewards, the country would become strong and wealthy immediately.
81.今天天气很好，在房间里宅久了，准备去客厅散散心。
81. The weather is great today. After staying indoors for so long, I’m going to the living room to clear my head.
82.提问：为什么暑假一定比寒假长?回答：因为热胀冷缩。
82. Question: Why is summer vacation always longer than winter vacation? Answer: Because of thermal expansion and contraction.
83.心情不好的时候，我就半夜给别人打骚扰电话，把他们吵醒了，我就睡觉。
83. When I’m in a bad mood, I make prank calls in the middle of the night to wake people up, and then I go to sleep.
84.人干点好事儿总想让鬼神知道，干点坏事儿总以为鬼神不知道，我们太让鬼为难了。
84. People always want gods to know when they do good deeds, but they think gods don’t know when they do bad things. We’re really making it difficult for the gods.
85.人不犯我，我不犯人；人若犯我，礼让三分；人再犯我，我还一针；人还犯我，斩草除根。
85. If nobody troubles me, I won’t trouble anyone; if someone troubles me, I’ll be polite and give them the benefit of the doubt; if they continue to trouble me, I’ll fight back; if they still trouble me, I’ll eliminate them completely.
86.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
86. I never hold grudges; if I have a grudge, I settle it on the spot.
87.每个人出生的时候都是原创，很可惜，很多人渐渐成了盗版。
87. Every person is born original, but unfortunately, many people gradually become counterfeit.
88.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
88. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw a handsome and familiar person. I wanted to see who it was, but it turned out to be a mirror.
89.承诺就像女人说要减肥一样，经常说却很难做到，一切都是假的话。
89. Promises are like women saying they want to lose weight; they often say it but find it hard to do, and everything is just false words.
90.爱情是毒药，糖衣太美妙，浅尝了即止就好，喝下了把命都送掉。
90. Love is a poison; the sugar coating is delightful, so just take a small taste and stop there, or you’ll risk losing your life after drinking it all.
91.不要把自己的伤口揭开给别人看，世界上多的不是医师，多的是撒盐的人。
91. Don’t expose your wounds to others; there are more people in the world who sprinkle salt than doctors.
92.我们老板是小怪兽，我们是奥特曼。但我们见了老板就跑，因为我们没带召唤器。
92. Our boss is a little monster, and we are Ultramen. But when we see the boss, we run away because we don’t have our summoners.
93.你给我一个微笑，我也会还你一个微笑，也不是善意的招呼，只是让你知道：老子笑起来比你好看。
93. If you give me a smile, I’ll give you one back. It’s not a friendly greeting, but just to let you know: I look better when I smile than you do.
94.再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
94. In a few decades, we’ll meet again, sent to the crematorium, all burned to ashes. You in one pile, me in another, no one recognizing anyone, all sent to the countryside as fertilizer.
95.有事直接奔主题，不要拿你的无知，挑战我的黑名单。
95. Get straight to the point, don’t challenge my blacklist with your ignorance.
96.迄今为止，三个苹果改变了世界:一个诱-惑了夏娃，一个砸醒了牛顿，一个握在乔布斯手里。
96. So far, three apples have changed the world: one tempted Eve, one awakened Newton, and one was held in Jobs’ hand.
97.现在北京只有呼吸和放屁不用排队了。
97. Nowadays, in Beijing, only breathing and farting don’t require waiting in line.
98.即使你已名花有主，我也要移花接木。
98. Even if you’re already taken, I’ll still try to win you over.
99.鹅鹅鹅，曲项用刀割，拔毛加瓢水，点火盖上锅!
99. Goose, goose, goose, with a curved neck, cut with a knife, pluck the feathers and add water, light the fire and cover the pot!
100.给我一个女人，我可以创造一个民族，给我一瓶酒，我可以带领他们征服全世界！
100. Give me a woman, and I can create a nation; give me a bottle of wine, and I can lead them to conquer the world!
1.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都没生下来，所以谁都别装横！
1. People who are born are not afraid of death, and those who are afraid of death are not born, so don’t act tough!
2.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
2. If exams use QB as rewards, the country will become strong and prosperous immediately.
3.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
3. Big brother, can you lower the resolution of your face, please?
4.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
4. If the sky falls, you hold it up, and I’ll cushion it!
5.“特别能吃苦”这个字，我想了想，我只做到了前四个。
5. The word “especially able to endure hardship,” I thought about it, and I only managed to do the first four.
6.初恋无限好，只是挂得早。
6. First love is infinitely good, but it just ends early.
7.敬告各位家长：请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。
7. A warning to all parents: Please do not call your children “little rabbits,” because from a genetic perspective, it is very unfavorable to you.
8.谁骂我傻B我跟谁好，我就喜欢和B交朋友。
8. Whoever calls me a fool, I will be friends with them, I just like making friends with “B.”
9.世界上最远的距离不是你我天各一方，而是同窗不同房。
9. The farthest distance in the world is not you and I separated by the sky, but being in the same class, different rooms.
10.因为我掏心掏肺的去爱你，所以我只能没心没肺的放弃你。
10. Because I loved you with all my heart, I could only heartlessly and ruthlessly give you up.
11.过去一直喜欢她的胸怀宽广，其实那也无非是一片飞机场！
11. I used to like her broad-mindedness, but in fact, it was nothing more than an airport.
12.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
12. Since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head anymore.
13.承诺，就像放屁，当时惊天动地，过后苍白无力。
13. Promises are like farts, shocking and powerful at the time, but pale and weak afterward.
14.你若废我现在，我必废你将来。
14. If you ruin me now, I will definitely ruin your future.
15.腾讯的“正在输入”，给了多少人希望，又给了多少人失望。
15. Tencent’s “Typing” gives hope to how many people, and disappointment to how many people.
16.我们活着的大多数人，一辈子只做了三件事：自欺、欺人、被人欺。
16. Most of us who are alive only do three things in our lives: deceive ourselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
17.我不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖畅饮，再来一瓶。
17. I am not afraid of drinking parathion, I am afraid of opening the cap and drinking, and then getting another bottle for free.
18.如果你是一朵花，那牛都不拉粪了。
18. If you are a flower, then cows won’t even pull manure.
19.你一出门千山鸟飞绝，万径人宗灭。
19. As soon as you go out, thousands of mountains and birds fly away, and all paths are empty of people.
20.女人如衣服，但姐是你穿不出来的气质。
20. Women are like clothes, but I am the temperament you can never wear out.
21.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
21. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw someone who was handsome and familiar. I wanted to go and see who it was, but it turned out to be a mirror.
22.嘻嘻和哈哈是一对好朋友，非常要好的朋友。有一天，哈哈死了。嘻嘻很难过，他走到哈哈的坟前说：哈哈，你死了。
22. Hehe and Haha were a pair of good friends, very close friends. One day, Haha died. Hehe was very sad and went to Haha’s grave and said, “Haha, you’re dead.”
23.所谓猪一样的室友，应该就是我感冒了，让他回来给我带一盒白加黑，他给我带了一包奥利奥。
23. A roommate as piggish as I am: I caught a cold and asked him to bring me a box of Baijiahe (medicine) when he came back, but he brought me a pack of Oreos instead.
24.假如我是神笔马良的话，我会画一个井，把你放进去，再画个盖子。
24. If I were Ma Liang with the magic brush, I would draw a well, put you in it, and then draw a lid.
25.那天老师问我为什么上课睡觉，我回了句医生说吃完药就得睡觉。
25. That day, the teacher asked me why I was sleeping in class, and I replied, “The doctor said I have to sleep after taking the medicine.”
26.化学实验课，老师问我：“加钡？不加钡？”我立马喊道：“抢地主！”我觉得老师再也不会爱我了，老师大喊：“我抢！”
26. In chemistry lab class, the teacher asked me, “Add barium? Or not add barium?” I immediately shouted, “Landlord!” I think the teacher will never love me again, and the teacher shouted, “I’ll snatch!”
27.孩子们别怕，谁让你们挂科，我就让谁挂！
27. Kids, don’t be afraid. Whoever makes you fail, I’ll make them fail!
28.在神经的人群里呆久了，我发现我正常了。
28. After staying in the crowd of mentally ill people for a long t
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