1.“我好喜欢你头像”“干嘛还带后面俩字”。
1. “I really like your avatar” “Why do you still have those two words at the end?”
2.要命的夏天来了，谁要是能给我们班教室装台空调，我们就把班主任嫁给他。
2. The deadly summer is coming. If anyone could install an air conditioner in our classroom, we would marry our head teacher to him.
3.千万别跟我求婚，一求婚我就会答应。
3. Never propose to me, because I will agree as soon as you propose.
4.人生三愿：一是吃得下饭，二是睡得着觉，三是笑得出来。
4. Three wishes in life: to be able to eat, to be able to sleep, and to be able to laugh.
5.我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说。
5. I am in the world of martial arts, but there are no legends about me in it.
6.男女调情的时候，诞生了最具特色的汉字：凹凸。
6. When men and women flirt, the most characteristic Chinese character is created: “concave-convex”.
7.早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
7. I knew he was no good, I just forgot to say it.
8.让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
8. Let the storm come even stronger, I am selling umbrellas anyway!
9.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
9. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard, I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!
10.“捷克斯洛伐克”！我叫JACK，我老婆总这样抱怨我。
10. “Check-mate, Slovakia!” My name is Jack, and that’s what my wife always complains about.
11.高中时每人发个胸牌。一次来检查前，班主任跑到教室大声喊，大家快把胸罩戴起来，来检查的啦…全场鸦雀无声…
11. In high school, everyone was given a badge. Once, before an inspection, the head teacher ran into the classroom and shouted loudly, “Everyone, put on your bras, the inspectors are coming…” The whole room fell silent.
12.不在放荡中变坏，就在沉默中变态。
12. If not corrupted in indulgence, then in silence, one becomes weird.
13.有时解释是不必要的，敌人不信你的解释，朋友无须你的解释。
13. Sometimes explanations are unnecessary, as enemies won’t believe your explanations, and friends don’t need them.
14.一张文凭、二国语言(精通英文)、三房一厅、四季名牌、五官端正、六六(落落)大方、七千月薪、八面玲珑、九(酒)烟不沾、十分老实。
14. A diploma, two languages (proficient in English), three rooms and a living room, four seasons of famous brands, five senses properly arranged, six or seven (elegant) and generous, a monthly salary of 7,000, and being skillful in all situations, not touching alcohol or cigarettes, and being very honest.
15.我们产生一点小分歧：她希望我把粪土变黄金，我希望她视黄金如粪土！
15. We have a small disagreement: she wants me to turn dirt into gold, while I want her to treat gold like dirt.
16.师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
16. Master, please follow me! … A long time later… Master, please spare me!
17.男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
17. There is gold under a man’s knees, but I have cut off my whole leg and still haven’t found even a piece of copper!
18.人不能低下高贵的头，但捡钱时例外。
18. One cannot lower their noble head, except when picking up money.
19.小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
19. When I was young, I thought I could save the whole world when I grew up. But when I grew up, I found out that the whole world couldn’t save me.
20.如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
20. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five dollars, I could make a small fortune.
21.世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
21. In this world, I only trust two people: one is myself, and the other is not you.
22.电话费透支万的判无期，撞死人的判年，自动取款机恶意取款万判无期，贪污几千万判年。
22. For phone bill arrears of ten thousand, the sentence is life imprisonment; for killing someone, the sentence is several years; for malicious withdrawals from an ATM, ten thousand is life imprisonment; for embezzlement of tens of millions, the sentence is several years.
23.君子报仇，十年不晚，小人报仇，从早到晚。
23. A gentleman seeks revenge after ten years; a petty person seeks revenge from morning to night.
24.天上终不会掉陷饼，它只会掉陷阱。
24. Heaven will never drop a free lunch; it only drops traps.
25.白色加白色就是黑色，因为双重否定就是肯定。
25. White plus white equals black, because a double negative is a positive.
26.我对你的感情就像雷锋对于穷人的怜悯。
26. My feelings for you are like Lei Feng’s compassion for the poor.
27.寂寞就是有人说话时，没人在听，有人在听时，你却没话说了！
27. Loneliness is when someone is talking, but no one is listening; when someone is listening, you have nothing to say!
28.比遇见一个泼妇更让人头痛的是……同时遇见两个泼妇。
28. Meeting one shrew is more headache-inducing than meeting two at the same time.
29.我想把我的一生浓缩成一句笑话。
29. I want to condense my life into a single joke.
30.如果跟导师讲不清楚，那么就把他搞胡涂吧！
30. If you can’t explain it to your mentor, just confuse him!
31.你不是黄蓉，你只是蝗虫，你为嘛要靖哥哥？你真不要脸。
31. You’re not Huang Rong; you’re just a locust. Why do you want Jing Ge? You have no shame.
32.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧？
32. So shameless and heartless, you must be very light in weight, right?
33.路上见一车，车后贴着六个字：着急你飞过去。
33. I saw a car on the road with six characters on the back: If you’re in a hurry, fly past.
34.我说过做人要低调。可你非要给我掌声和尖叫。
34. I said I should be low-key, but you insist on giving me applause and screams.
35.女人是招商银行，男人则是建设银行。
35. Women are like the Merchants Bank; men are like the Construction Bank.
36.低调闷骚的高调，高调被打的征兆。
36. A low-key person’s high-profile is a sign of being beaten up.
37.你要是鲜花，以后牛都不敢拉屎了。
37. If you were a flower, cows would be afraid to poop in the future.
38.女人装比那叫资本，男人装比那叫变态。
38. Women showing off is called capital; men showing off is called perversion.
39.不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有惊喜，畅享多一瓶。
39. I’m not afraid of drinking DDT, but I’m afraid of a surprise when I open the cap: enjoy an extra bottle.
40.我一定要出现你家户口本上，做不了你老公，也做你小爹。
40. I must appear on your household registration book, either as your husband or as your father-in-law.
41.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
41. Handsome and with a chariot, that’s chess; rich and with a house, that’s a bank.
42.未来要和我结婚的那位：也不知道你现在给谁谈恋爱呢。别给人家浪费感情了、找个时间咱俩认识一下呗。
42. To the one who will marry me in the future: I don’t know who you’re dating now. Don’t waste your feelings on them; find some time for us to get to know each other.
43.今天听到一个八岁的小姑娘唱，两只老虎，两只老虎，谈恋爱，谈恋爱。两只都是公的，两只都是公的，真变态，真变态。
43. Today, I heard an eight-year-old girl singing, “Two tigers, two tigers, in love, in love.” Both of them are male, both of them are male, how perverted, how perverted.
44.就算再挫也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱！
44. Even if you’re not good enough, you should still be in love, until the world is full of love!
45.我谈过最长的恋爱，就是自恋，我爱自己，没有情敌。
45. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is with myself; I love myself, and there’s no rival in love.
46.不用怀疑，我就是你梦中的穷人。
46. Don’t doubt it, I’m the poor man in your dreams.
47.当完全吃撑的时候，普通青年会一脸空虚地埋怨“撑死我了”，吃货则一脸轻松“我歇会儿”~
47. When you’re completely full, a regular young person will complain emptily, “I’m so full,” while a foodie will say轻松地, “I’ll take a break.”
48.第一笔就起错了的画，只好一路地潦草下去。
48. A painting that starts wrong from the first stroke has to be carried on carelessly.
49.你看，总有那么多的事情让你伤感：阴晴圆缺，悲欢离合，阳痿早泄…
49. You see, there are always so many things that make you feel sad: the moon’s phases, joys and sorrows, separations and reunions, impotence and premature ejaculation…
50.不要对自己过于自信，能收拾你的人比你能想到的多的多。
50. Don’t be too confident in yourself; there are many more people who can deal with you than you can imagine.
51.对于女生，又长了几斤肉并不那么可怕，可怕的是闺密那个贱人竟然又瘦了。
51. For girls, gaining a few more pounds is not so terrible; what’s really terrible is that your best friend, that bitch, has lost weight again.
52.有时候觉得自己变丑了，拿出身份证一看，发现多虑了。
52. Sometimes you feel you’ve become uglier, but when you take out your ID card and look at it, you find you were worrying too much.
53.人生就像愤怒的小鸟，当你失败时，总有几只猪在笑。
53. Life is like Angry Birds; when you fail, there are always a few pigs laughing at you.
54.别说世界抛弃了你，世界根本没空搭理你。
54. Don’t say the world has abandoned you; the world just doesn’t have time to pay attention to you.
55.原谅他是上帝的事，我的任务就是送他去见上帝。
55. Forgiving him is God’s job; my task is to send him to meet God.
56.空欢喜就是早上醒来，以为自己长高了，仔细一看，原来是被子盖横了……
56. Empty joy is when you wake up in the morning, thinking you’ve grown taller, only to find out later that it was because your quilt was covering you diagonally…
57.你爸我是草原散养的，饿了吃过蚂蚱，不是所有的鸡都叫时光鸡。
57. Your dad was raised on the grasslands, eating locusts when hungry; not all chickens are called Time Chicken.
58.你说你愿意和我白头到老，不行，我想黑发飘飘。
58. You say you’re willing to grow old with me, but I want to keep my black hair flowing.
59.不是我心理阴暗啊，我就觉得这个空气污染是那帮口罩生产厂家制造出来的。
59. It’s not that I’m mentally dark; I just think this air pollution is created by those mask manufacturers.
60.上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带，下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做。横批：重在参与。
60. Upper couplet: Student ID, exam ID, ID card, no ID; lower couplet: Listening questions, reading questions, essay questions, no questions. Horizontal scroll: Participation is the key.
61.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
61. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw someone who was both handsome and familiar. I went closer to see who it was, only to find out it was a mirror.
62.嘻嘻和哈哈是一对好朋友，非常要好的朋友。有一天，哈哈死了。嘻嘻很难过，他走到哈哈的坟前说：哈哈，你死了。
62. Hehe and Haha were a pair of good friends, very close friends. One day, Haha died. Hehe was very sad and went to Haha’s grave and said, “Haha, you’re dead.”
63.所谓猪一样的室友，应该就是我感冒了，让他回来给我带一盒白加黑，他给我带了一包奥利奥。
63. A roommate as piggish as I am: I caught a cold and asked him to bring me a box of Baijiahei (a Chinese cold medicine) when he came back, but he brought me a pack of Oreos instead.
64.假如我是神笔马良的话，我会画一个井，把你放进去，再画个盖子。
64. If I were the magical Ma Liang with the divine brush, I would draw a well, put you in it, and then draw a lid on top.
65.那天老师问我为什么上课睡觉，我回了句医生说吃完药就得睡觉。
65. That day, the teacher asked me why I was sleeping in class, and I replied, “The doctor said I had to sleep after taking the medicine.”
66.可以触摸的痛苦是什么？就是我觉得肚子都饿扁了，一摸还是有一坨肉。
66. What is touchable pain? It’s when I feel like my stomach is completely empty, but when I touch it, there’s still a lump of fat.
67.明天愚人节，老师说要上课，我越想越不得劲，“不行！不能去上课！”
67. Tomorrow is April Fool’s Day, and the teacher said we have to attend class. The more I think about it, the more uneasy I feel. “No way! I can’t go to class!”
68.长大了要嫁给唐僧，能玩就玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
68. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng (a character from Journey to the West), so I can play with him if he’s fun, and eat him if he’s not.
69.暑假前信誓旦旦的说我要减肥，暑假后没瘦还胖了！
69. Before the summer vacation, I vowed to lose weight, but after the vacation, I didn’t lose weight, I actually gained more!
70.小时候我很纠结是上清华还是北大、现在看来我多想了。
70. When I was a child, I was torn between going to Tsinghua or Peking University, but now it seems I thought too much.
71.听说看武打片能减肥，因为里面经常说，你快受（瘦）死吧！
71. I heard that watching martial arts films can help lose weight because they often say, “You’re going to die (get thin) from suffering!”
72.我不骂人，因为我动手能力比较强。
72. I don’t curse at people because I have strong动手能力 (ability to take action or physical skills).
73.一美女说：第一次牵我手的人是给我看手相的那个先生。
73. A beautiful woman said, “The first person who held my hand was the fortune teller who read my palm.”
74.不是你不滚，是我不够狠。
74. It’s not that you don’t leave, it’s just that I’m not ruthless enough.
75.老师本想对同学们说把掌声送给自己，可不小心说成把巴掌送给自己。说完，一同学”啪”“啪”就给了自己两耳光。
75. The teacher wanted to tell the students to give applause to themselves, but accidentally said, “Give yourselves a slap.” After saying that, one student “pa” “pa” gave themselves two slaps in the face.
76.考题再复杂，终究没有我这心情复杂。
76. No matter how complicated the exam questions are, they are still not as complicated as my emotions.
77.谁说水火无情，当你快要被口水淹死的时候，你却火了。
77. Who says water and fire are merciless? When you’re about to be drowned by saliva, you’re on fire.
78.哥吸烟、是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
78. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
79.花有百样红，人与狗不同。
79. There are a hundred different shades of red in flowers, but people and dogs are different.
80.男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
80. When a man is dumped, it’s a money issue; when a woman is dumped, it’s a looks issue; when I’m dumped, you have a fucking problem in your head.
81.人生自古谁无死，哪个拉屎不用纸。
81. Who has never died since ancient times? Who doesn’t use toilet paper when defecating?
82.人生就像大便，一旦冲走了，就不会再回来。
82. Life is like defecation; once it’s flushed away, it won’t come back.
83.我们可以躲开大家，却躲不开一只苍蝇。生活中使我们不快乐的常是一些芝麻小事。
83. We can avoid everyone, but we can’t avoid a fly. It’s often the trivial things in life that make us unhappy.
84.有一种人只做两件事：你成功了，他妒嫉你，你失败了，他笑话你。
84. There is a kind of person who only does two things: when you succeed, he envies you; when you fail, he laughs at you.
85.不怕神一样的哥们，就怕狗一样的朋友。
85. I’m not afraid of a god-like buddy, but I am afraid of a dog-like friend.
86.上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
86. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.
87.英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
87. A hero doesn’t care about his origin, and a hooligan doesn’t care about his age!
88.从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
88. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to evolve into a human, but it only takes a bottle of alcohol for a human to devolve into a monkey.
89.你鱼肉百姓，百姓就人肉你。
89. If you exploit the people, they will exploit you in return.
90.男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
90. Men conquer the world to conquer women! Women conquer men to conquer the world!
91.这个世界不公平就在于：上帝说：“我要光！”于是有了白天。美女说：“我要钻戒！”于是她有了钻戒。富豪说：“我要女人！”于是他有了女人。我说：“我要洗澡！”居然停水了。
91. The unfairness of this world lies in the fact that: God says, “I want light!” and there is daylight. A beauty says, “I want a diamond ring!” and she gets it. A rich man says, “I want a woman!” and he gets her. I say, “I want to take a bath!” and there’s a water outage.
92.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没人踩到我头上。
92. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head.
93.老板，来一碗泪流满面。
93. Boss, bring me a bowl of tears.
94.有钱的人怕别人知道他有钱，没钱的人怕别人知道他没钱。
94. Rich people fear others knowing they have money, while poor people fear others knowing they have no money.
95.广告就是告诉别人，他的钱还可以这么花。
95. Advertising is about telling others how they can spend their money.
96.我问她：”你以前交过男朋友吗？”她说：”高中的时候有交过。”我明知故问：”是河南的么？”她大惊：”当然是和男的啦!”
96. I asked her, “Have you ever had a boyfriend before?” She said, “I had one in high school.” I deliberately asked, “From Henan?” She was surprised, “Of course, with a guy!”
97.男：山外青山楼外楼，恋爱婚姻都自由。女：万水千山只等闲，还不赶快去赚钱。
97. Man: Beyond the green mountains, there are more mountains and buildings; love and marriage are free. Woman: A thousand rivers and a thousand mountains are just a casual wait; hurry up and make money.
98.好友谈恋爱两个月，网名改成”蓝色”。最近我才知道，蓝色直译为中文叫”不撸”。
98. A good friend has been dating for two months, and changed her nickname to “Blue.” Recently, I found out that “Blue” directly translates to “No Wank” in Chinese.
99.你们现在谈恋爱已经晚了，大学就应该全身心读书。这个问题。应该初中高中就解决了。
99. It’s too late for you to fall in love now; you should have focused on studying in college. This issue should have been resolved in junior and senior high school.
100.你复杂的五官掩饰不了你朴素的智商！
100. Your complicated facial features cannot conceal your simple intelligence!
逗女孩子开心一笑的幽默句子
1. 你知道你和星星有什么区别吗？星星在天上，而你在我心里。 Do you know the difference between you and stars? Stars are in the sky, but you are in my heart. 2. 如果你是蔬菜，你会是什么？你是我的最爱，甜菜。 If you were a vegetable, what would you be? You are my favorite, sweet beet. 3. 我可以称呼你为魔法师吗？因为你让我的世界变得神奇。 May I call you a magician? Because you make my world magical. 4. 你一定是一道美食，因为你让我心动不已。 You must be a delicious dish because you make my heart race. 5. 我觉得我们的关系就像Wi-Fi，因为我们之间没有信号不好的时候。 I think our relationship is like Wi-Fi because there’s never a bad connection between us. 6. 如果你是一种水果，你会是什么？你是我的小甜瓜。 If you were a fruit, what would you be? You are my little sweet melon. 7. 你的名字一定叫谷歌，因为你拥有我寻找的一切。 Your name must be Google because you have everything I’m looking for. 8. 我觉得你是我的充电器，因为你让我充满活力。 I think you are my charger because you give me energy. 9. 你是我的咖啡，因为你让我清醒一整天。 You are my coffee because you keep me awake all day long. 10. 如果你是一首歌，你一定会是最动听的旋律。 If you were a song, you would definitely be the most beautiful melody.
1.你像风轻盈，你像水温柔，你像雾朦胧，你像月浪漫，你像日热情，你像海宽容，你像牛健康，你像龟长寿，你像兔可爱，总之一句话：你没一点像人！
1. You are as light as the wind, as gentle as water, as misty as fog, as romantic as the moon, as passionate as the sun, as tolerant as the sea, as healthy as a cow, as long-lived as a turtle, and as cute as a rabbit. In short, you don’t have a single human trait!
2.你知道男人这一生最痛苦的事情是什么吗？是没媳妇。那你知道男人更痛苦的事情是什么吗？有媳妇，跟别人跑了。
2. Do you know the most painful thing in a man’s life? It’s not having a wife. And do you know what’s even more painful? Having a wife who runs off with someone else.
3.“如果你老婆和你情人同时掉进水里，请问你是再找一个丰满型的还是娇小型的?”“还找不会游泳的。”
3. “If your wife and your lover both fall into the water at the same time, would you look for a voluptuous or a petite one?” “I’d still look for one who can’t swim.”
4.本人口儿重，拟禁绝可乐，改喝急支糖浆。
4. I have a strong preference for taste, so I plan to quit cola and switch to cough syrup.
5.当我为我容貌深深自卑的时候，我想，没事，等我有钱了，和谁都有缘。等我有钱了之后，我就去整容了，医生看了看我说，钱不是所有问题都能解决的。
5. When I felt deeply insecure about my appearance, I thought, “It’s okay, once I have money, I’ll have a connection with everyone.” After I became wealthy, I went to get plastic surgery. The doctor looked at me and said, “Money can’t solve all problems.”
6.如果你对目前的工作不太满意，觉得事业发展到了一个瓶颈，那么就去进修一个更高的学历吧，这样的话，毕业以后你就会明白，之前的失败跟学历似乎没什么关系。
6. If you are not satisfied with your current job and feel that your career has hit a bottleneck, then go and pursue a higher degree. That way, after graduation, you will realize that your previous failures seem to have nothing to do with your education.
7.富翁接受采访说，你很难想象我年轻时候吃过多少苦，当过黄牛，搞过搬运，做过走私……记者：我们都看到这些历练让你走向成功了。富翁说，不是，后来我终于娶了一个有钱的老婆。
7. A millionaire was interviewed and said, “You can hardly imagine how much hardship I went through when I was young: I was a scalper, a mover, and even involved in smuggling…” The reporter said, “We can see that these experiences have led you to success.” The millionaire replied, “No, it was when I finally married a wealthy woman.”
8.只要你每天坚持自习，认真刻苦，态度端正，忍受孤独，最终的胜利肯定是属于那些考场上发挥好的人。
8. As long as you study hard every day, work diligently, maintain a proper attitude, and endure loneliness, the ultimate victory will surely belong to those who perform well on the exam.
9.青年靠什么混日子？头等青年靠出身，二等青年靠关系，三等青年靠天资，四等青年靠努力，五等青年耍文艺，六等青年打游戏，穷游，看美剧。
9. What do young people rely on to get by? First-class youths rely on their family background, second-class youths rely on connections, third-class youths rely on natural talent, fourth-class youths work hard, fifth-class youths engage in artistic pursuits, sixth-class youths play games, go on budget trips, and watch American TV series.
10.只有能力强会被当成纯技术人员；而光会社交拍马又会被认为没有真才实学；所以，要想在单位中脱颖而出，最重要的是有关系。
10. Only those with strong abilities will be considered as pure technical personnel; while those who are only good at socializing and flattering will be seen as lacking real knowledge. Therefore, to stand out in a workplace, the most important thing is to have connections.
11.问：你遇到过哪些代沟？答：小学语文题关联词填空：60后：他宁可牺牲生命，也不出卖组织。70后：他害怕牺牲生命，所以出卖组织。80后：他与其牺牲生命，不如出卖组织。90后：他即使牺牲生命，也要出卖组织。00后：他白白牺牲生命，忘了出卖组织。
11. Question: What generation gaps have you encountered? Answer: In a elementary school language exercise, filling in the blanks with conjunctions: Post-60s: He would rather sacrifice his life than betray the organization. Post-70s: He was afraid to sacrifice his life, so he betrayed the organization. Post-80s: He would rather betray the organization than sacrifice his life. Post-90s: Even if he sacrificed his life, he would still betray the organization. Post-00s: He sacrificed his life in vain, forgetting to betray the organization.
12.你长的很爱国很敬业很有骨气，你不会在背后说别人坏话，不会陷害别人，你是全世界最不龌龊的人，你品德高尚，你从不会倒打别人一耙，你诚实善良美丽多姿。原谅我刚才说了违心的话啊。
12. You look very patriotic, dedicated, and principled. You never speak ill of others behind their backs, nor do you frame anyone. You are the least despicable person in the world. You have noble character, and you woul
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