1.唾沫是用来数钞票的不是用来讲理的。
1. Spit is for counting money, not for reasoning.
2.跟我打赌，不是看你要什么，而是看我有什么……
2. Betting with me is not about what you want, but what I have…
3.你每天都和他们聊到半夜，他们哪有时间创造人类呢？
3. You chat with them until midnight every day; when do they have time to create human beings?
4.我肯定会被砍成薯片的。
4. I’m definitely going to be chopped into potato chips.
5.人生如戏，爱的是一个，结婚生子的又是另一个。很正常。
5. Life is like a drama; you love one person, but marry another. It’s normal.
6.彪悍的人生是不需要解释的。
6. A fierce life doesn’t need any explanation.
7.月老啊！您能不要用山寨劣质的红绳给我牵姻缘？隔三差五断啊。
7. Matchmaker, can you please not use counterfeit red strings to tie my marriage? They break every now and then.
8.何文轩曾对李清远说过一句话：你之所以还不是GAY，是因为还没遇到让你心动的男人。
8. He Wenxuan once said to Li Qingyuan: The reason you’re not gay is that you haven’t met a man who makes your heart race.
9.呸！我耳朵都竖起来了，你就给我听这个？”
9. Ptui! I’ve pricked up my ears, and this is what you give me to listen to?”
10.我无法拉伸生命的长度，但是我可以拓展生命的宽度。我胖了才显得你瘦，免得我瘦的时候显得你丑。
10. I can’t stretch the length of my life, but I can expand its width. I gain weight to make you look thinner, so that when I’m thin, I don’t make you look ugly.
11.我的读书生涯仅仅能做的两件事就是看学霸秀成绩，看情侣秀恩爱。
11. The only two things I can do during my school years are watch top students show off their grades and watch couples show off their love.
12.众里寻她千百度，踏平脚下路。蓦然回首细环顾，大婶大娘无数。偶有美女光顾，还是有夫之妇，余下大多数，基本不堪入目。
12. Searching for her among the crowd, treading on the path beneath my feet. Suddenly looking back and scanning around, there are countless aunts and matrons. Occasionally, a beautiful woman passes by, but she’s already married. Most of the rest are simply unbearable to look at.
13.有个老太太都在缸里蹲半天了，多点时间让她透透气吧。
13. An old lady has been squatting in the jar for half a day; give her more time to catch her breath.
14.唱歌给我听，开心了就让你走。
14. Sing for me, and if I’m happy, I’ll let you go.
15.在我尿频的时候你还在嘲笑我。
15. You’re still making fun of me while I’m suffering from frequent urination.
16.有些事，有些人，有些风景，一旦入眼入心，即便刹那，也是永恒。
16. Some things, some people, some landscapes, once they enter your eyes and heart, even for a moment, they become eternal.
17.如果你是一个胖纸，记住不要围红色的围巾。不然你会很像QQ。
17. If you’re a chubby person, remember not to wear a red scarf. Otherwise, you’ll look like QQ.
18.女施主，贫僧修为尚浅，还不能隔衣为你疗伤，得罪了。
18. Female benefactor, my cultivation is still shallow, and I cannot heal your wounds through your clothes. I apologize.
19.你等着吧，总有一天我会让你成为我未来儿子的妈妈。
19. Just you wait, one day I’ll make you the mother of my future son.
20.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
20. What is the purpose of living? It’s all for those great Chairman Mao notes.
21.逃得了和尚，逃不了方丈。
21. You can run away from a monk, but you can’t escape the abbot.
22.现在生米都已经煮成稀饭了。
22. The raw rice has already been cooked into porridge.
23.好男人就是我我就是曾小贤。
23. A good man is me, and I am Zeng Xiaoxian.
24.你今天晚上必须给我上线，否则，我就把你名字写到碑上去。
24. You must come online tonight, or else I will engrave your name on a tombstone.
25.说爱你，不一定是真的爱；说不爱你，那是真的一定爱过。
25. Saying I love you doesn’t necessarily mean true love; saying I don’t love you truly means I have loved.
26.阿弥陀佛，出家人不打诳语。女施主，你的确是贫僧自东土出行至今所遇的，最美丽、最性感的女子，你看你这秀发，这玉手，这肌肤，这手感……
26. Amitabha, monks do not tell lies. Dear lady, you are indeed the most beautiful and sexy woman I have encountered since I left the East. Look at your hair, your jade-like hands, your skin, and the touch…
27.我妈就生了我一个，你自己算算看我算老几呢。
27. My mother only gave birth to me, so you can figure out my rank.
28.无聊对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完之后，电脑突然死机了。
28. Bored and singing “Tantrum” to the computer, after singing, the computer suddenly crashed.
29.遗传学淡定地告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
29. Genetics calmly tells us: interspecies love is doomed to have no good result.
30.我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
30. I want to say I’m just a miserable person, and the day of the end of the world is my birthday.
31.晚自习的时候考试，拿出手机搜答案，突然，老师把灯一关，我……亮了。
31. During evening self-study, I took out my phone to search for answers during an exam, suddenly, the teacher turned off the lights, and I… lit up.
32.不是我不想当淑女、而是这世界把老娘逼成了泼妇！
32. It’s not that I don’t want to be a lady, but the world has forced me to become a shrew.
33.我曾经跟一个人无数次擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
33. I once passed by a person countless times, and my clothes were worn out, but no sparks were generated.
34.总感觉别人都是吃几口就饱了，而我是吃饱了还能再吃几口……
34. It always feels like others get full after eating a few bites, while I can still eat a few more after being full…
35.又帅又有车的，那是象棋。有钱又有房的，那是银行。
35. Handsome with a car, that’s chess. Rich with a house, that’s a bank.
36.看时间不是为了起床，而是看还能睡多久。
36. Looking at the time is not for getting up, but to see how long I can still sleep.
37.我一发怒，冬天就到了；冬天一发怒，我就变成秋裤男了。
37. When I get angry, winter comes; when winter gets angry, I become a man in long johns.
38.蓦然回首，你咋还没走。
38. Looking back suddenly, why haven’t you left yet?
39.恶人从不搞笑，恶人要抓紧时间做恶。
39. Evil people never make jokes, as they need to seize time to do evil.
40.恶人说：再说俺是恶人，俺就害死你!
40. The evil person says: If you call me an evil person again, I will harm you!
41.不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
41. Regardless of age, human beings are all young in the face of money.
42.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
42. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
43.禽兽尚且有半点怜悯之心，而我一点也没有，所以我不是禽兽。
43. Even animals have a bit of compassion, but I don’t have any, so I am not an animal.
44.我家的金鱼今早淹死了。
44. My goldfish drowned this morning.
45.所谓网虫，就是在杂志上看到下划线也想用鼠标去点。
45. So-called netizens are those who want to click on underlined text in magazines with a mouse.
46.娶老婆应是娶小绍，交朋友应是令狐冲，做男儿最好做乔峰，出来混还得韦小宝。
46. To marry, one should marry Xiaoshao; to make friends, one should make friends with Linghu Chong; to be a man, it’s best to be Qiao Feng; and to get by in life, one must be Wei Xiaobao.
47.如果有钱也是一种错，那我情愿一错再错。
47. If having money is also a mistake, then I would rather make the same mistake again and again.
48.男人的实力就是你兜里的人民币。
48. A man’s strength is the amount of RMB in your pocket.
49.你的话，我连标点符号都不信。
49. I don’t believe even the punctuation in what you say.
50.人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂。
50. Life is like making a phone call; either you hang up first or I do.
51.距离产生的不是美，是小三。
51. Distance does not create beauty, but rather creates the other woman (小三).
52.世界那么乱，装纯给谁看。
52. The world is so chaotic; who are you pretending to be pure for?
53.非诚勿扰女嘉宾再牛也就灭一个男的的灯，宿舍楼下阿姨能灭一整楼的!
53. Non诚勿扰 female guests can only extinguish one man’s lamp, while the aunt downstairs can extinguish an entire building’s lamps!
54.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点:不肯承认这是脸的问题。
54. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s a problem with their face.
55.我把所有的记忆串联成一部电影，一部悲剧就生产了。
55. I’ve strung all my memories together into a movie, and a tragedy has been created.
56.都说姐漂亮，其实都是妆出来的。
56. They say I’m beautiful, but it’s all thanks to makeup.
57.挨饿这事，干得好就叫减肥;掐人这事，干得好就叫按摩;发呆这事，干得好就叫深沉;偷懒这事，干得好就叫享受;死皮赖脸这事，干得好就叫执著;装傻这事，如果干的好，那叫大智若愚。
57. Starving can be called dieting if done well; pinching can be called massage if done well; daydreaming can be called deep thinking if done well; being lazy can be called enjoying life if done well; being shameless can be called persistence if done well; and pretending to be foolish, if done well, is called acting foolish to hide one’s wisdom.
58.友情就像花瓶一样，被人一捣鼓就碎了。
58. Friendship is like a vase, which shatters easily when tampered with.
59.内练一口气，外练一口屁。
59. Cultivate your inner energy and practice your outward demeanor.
60.能动手，就尽量别吵吵。
60. If you can take action, try not to argue.
61.能抗洪的尿布湿，才是真正的尿布湿！
61. A diaper that can resist floods is truly a real diaper!
62.你穿的很危险，但长得很安全。
62. You dress dangerously, but you look safe.
63.你信仰基督教，还是公鸡叫。
63. Do you believe in Christianity, or do you believe in the rooster’s crow?
64.你走你的阳光道，我走我的地下道。
64. You go your sunny way, and I’ll go my underground path.
65.天啦，我的衣服又瘦了！
65. Oh my, my clothes have shrunk again!
66.你真是个地道的美人啊。就是说你只有在地道里才算美人，因为地道里没灯。
66. You are such an authentic beauty. It means you’re only considered beautiful in the tunnels, as there are no lights there.
67.生是她的人，死是她的吉祥物。
67. In life, she is your person; in death, she is your mascot.
68.长大了要娶唐僧做老公，想宠幸就宠幸，不想玩了就把他吃掉。
68. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng so that I can宠幸him whenever I want, and eat him when I get bored.
69.心中充满爱，看天下美女都是情人。
69. With love in my heart, I see all the beautiful women in the world as my lovers.
70.挤在北京，给首都添麻烦了……
70. I’m squeezed in Beijing, causing trouble for the capital…
71.我就像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不到出路。
71. I’m like a fly stuck on a glass window – the future is bright, but I can’t find a way out.
72.大家都说我是个演员，是因为我一看见漂亮MM眼就圆……
72. Everyone says I’m an actor because my eyes go round whenever I see a pretty girl…
73.我床上的不知道是谁媳妇，我媳妇不知道在谁的床上！
73. I don’t know whose wife is in my bed, and I don’t know whose bed my wife is in!
74.出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
74. When there’s a problem, look for reasons within yourself, don’t blame the lack of gravity on Earth just because you have constipation.
75.也因寂寞难耐，谈过几次恋爱。谁知屡战屡败，轻轻松松被踹！
75. Also, due to unbearable loneliness, I’ve had a few relationships. But I lost every time and was easily dumped!
76.白天瞎JB忙，晚上JB瞎忙。
76. Busy all day long for nothing, and busy at night for nothing as well.
77.做一个徘徊在牛A和牛C之间的人。
77. Be a person徘徊在 between awesome (牛A) and awesomer (牛C).
78.问：“我的头像牛B吗？”答：“像！
78. Q: “Is my avatar awesome?” A: “Yes, it is!
79.老板，帮我理一个忧伤点的发型！谢谢！
79. Boss, please give me a hairstyle that looks more melancholic! Thank you!
80.脸皮怎么那么厚，让猪皮情何以勘。
80. How can your face be so thick, making even pig skin feel embarrassed.
81.在神经的人群里呆久了，我发现我正常了。
81. After spending time among neurotic people, I found that I became normal.
82.我们老板是小怪兽，我们是奥特曼。但我们见了老板就跑，因为我们没带召唤器。
82. Our boss is a little monster, and we are Ultramen. But when we see the boss, we run away because we don’t have the summoner.
83.生活中处处都有惊吓，你就是其中一个。
83. Surprises can be found everywhere in life, and you are one of them.
84.爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
84. I’m not your little raccoon, unable to bring you endless joy.
85.我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
85. I’d say I’m just a miserable person, and the day of the apocalypse is my birthday.
86.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
86. What’s the purpose of living? It’s all for those great Chairman Mao notes.
87.长得丑不是你的错，你老实er的不行么，非得得瑟一下，让我们知道你是大哥。
87. It’s not your fault for being ugly. Can’t you just be honest? Do you have to show off and let us know that you’re the boss?
88.吃货的人生就像一列火车，总结起来就是，逛吃，逛吃，逛吃。
88. A foodie’s life is like a train, which can be summarized as: shopping and eating, shopping and eating, shopping and eating.
89.诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验！
89. Zhuge Liang didn’t lead troops before he came out of the mountain, so why do you expect me to have work experience?
90.不要同没有素质的人争论，因为那就像与猪摔跤，赢了不光荣，输了更丢人。
90. Don’t argue with people who have no quality, because it’s like wrestling with a pig. Winning is not glorious, and losing is even more humiliating.
91.给我订两张去天庭的机票，我要亲自找月老，逼着他给我牵一条红线。
91. Book me two tickets to heaven, I want to find the Matchmaker myself and force him to tie a red thread for me.
92.每年夏天晒黑了，我总是会想“没事，冬天就修复好了”
92. Every summer, when I get tanned, I always think, “It’s okay, winter will fix it.”
93.遗传学淡定的告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
93. Genetics calmly tells us: interspecies love is doomed to have no good results.
94.烟熏装很美，让我成了众人举目的熊猫。
94. Smoky makeup is beautiful, but it makes me the panda that everyone looks at.
95.你矮是终身的，我胖却是暂时的。
95. Your short stature is lifelong, but my fat is temporary.
96.你说，哪天我不要你了，你一定终身不嫁，让我内疚。
96. You said that if one day I don’t want you anymore, you will never marry, making me feel guilty.
97.美女眼前过，不泡是罪过。
97. It’s a sin not to flirt with a beautiful woman passing by.
98.起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
98. I wake up earlier than a rooster and sleep later than a cat, earning even less than a bald man’s hair.
99.装成熟、是往老里打扮的行为。
99. Acting mature is an act of dressing old.
100.忽然发现自从我配了眼镜就不敢出门了。
100. Suddenly, I found that I dare not go out since I got my glasses.
1.好寂寞，连欲望都被我挣脱。
1. So lonely, even my desires have been broken free from me.
2.给我一双筷子。我可以吃掉整个地球。
2. Give me a pair of chopsticks. I can eat the whole Earth.
3.别烦我，再烦我，你一会就掉茅坑了。
3. Don’t bother me, or you’ll end up in the latrine in a moment.
4.别回头，哥恋的只是你的背影。
4. Don’t look back, what I’m in love with is just your back.
5.哥吸烟，是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
5. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
6.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
6. Everything has a price; the price of happiness is pain.
7.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
7. When the world has legends, it would be a shame not to have a storm in the city.
8.打死我也不说，你们还没使美人计呢！
8. I won’t tell you even if you kill me; you haven’t used the beauty trick yet!
9.大理石牌鞋垫，要脚不要脸。
9. Marble insoles, caring for your feet but not your face.
10.出来混，迟早会烦的。
10. When you’re in the game, you’ll get tired sooner or later.
11.打你就打你，还要挑日子吗？
11. To hit you is to hit you; do I need to choose a day?
12.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
12. Play a small mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
13.在这个什么都涨价的时代里，我突然欣喜地发现，空气没有涨价，反倒是料越来越多了。
13. In this era of rising prices, I am delighted to find that the air has not increased in price, but the ingredients have become more and more.
14.迄今为止，三个苹果改变了世界:一个诱-惑了夏娃，一个砸醒了牛顿，一个握在乔布斯手里。
14. So far, three apples have changed the world: one tempted Eve, one awakened Newton, and one was held in Jobs’ hand.
15.现在北京只有呼吸和放屁不用排队了。
15. Nowadays, in Beijing, only breathing and farting don’t need to wait in line.
16.即使你已名花有主，我也要移花接木。
16. Even if you are already taken, I will still try to win you over.
17.鹅鹅鹅，曲项用刀割，拔毛加瓢水，点火盖上锅!
17. Goose, goose, goose, with a curved neck and a knife to cut; pluck feathers, add water, light the fire, and cover the pot!
18.国家为什么没有拿你的脸皮去研究防弹衣呢?
18. Why hasn’t the country used your脸皮 to research bulletproof vests?
19.莫非阁下就是当年华山论贱的智障大师养的小沙弥低能狗旺财踩死的屎壳螂层滚过的的一颗粪球?
19. Are you the little monk raised by the mentally challenged master from the Huashan Debate, the low-ability dog Wangcai who trampled on a dung beetle that rolled over a piece of dung?
20.你不是我脑袋里的交-警，无权干预我的走向
20. You are not the traffic police in my head; you have no right to interfere with my direction.
21.你的笑容比阳光下那坨狗屎还灿烂
21. Your smile is even more brilliant than that pile of dog feces under the sunlight.
22.那些总说别人装逼的人，你们连逼都不是。
22. Those who always say others are showing off, you are not even worth showing off.
23.我不恨你，因为我不想记住你。
23. I don’t hate you, because I don’t want to remember you.
24.孔子曰：西游记就是孙悟空念咒，唐僧发疯。
24. Confucius said: The Journey to the West is just Sun Wukong chanting spells, and Tang Seng going crazy.
25.别人笑我太淫荡，我笑他人不开放
25. Others laugh at me for being too indecent, but I laugh at them for not being open-minded.
26.对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完后，死机了。
26. I sang “Tantrum” to the computer, and after singing, it crashed.
27.想死，买了瓶农药，盖子上写——再来一瓶
27. I wanted to die, so I bought a bottle of pesticide, and the cap said - “One more bottle.”
28.鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
28. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.
29.一觉醒来，天都黑了。
29. I woke up and it was already dark outside.
30.为什么一看书，就困呢？因为书，是梦开始的地方。
30. Why do I feel sleepy when I read a book? Because a book is where dreams begin.
31.好马不吃回头草，所以我一直不回头向前绕圈走，结果我又碰上那草了。
31. A good horse doesn’t eat the grass behind it; that’s why I keep walking forward without looking back, but I ended up running into that grass again.
32.其实，我有一个角度看上去很帅，只不过你们没有找到罢了。
32. In fact, there is an angle at which I look handsome, but you just haven’t found it yet.
33.友情不是靠酒喝出来的，但是可以用酒来回味！如果说你不装B的话咱们还可以做朋友。
33. Friendship is not built on drinking, but it can be reminisced with wine! If you don’t show off, we can still be friends.
34.三鹿和蒙牛告诉我们一个道理：畜生是靠不住的。
34. Sanlu and Mengniu teach us a lesson: Animals are not reliable.
35.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身…
35. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over…
36.你美中不足的是，就是有太多的不足了。
36. The only flaw in your beauty is that there are too many flaws.
37.车到山前必有路，哪怕山前拆车卖轱辘。
37. There must be a way when the car reaches the mountain, even if we have to dismantle the car and sell the wheels in front of the mountain.
38.在这低调的世界里，我不得不用高调来掩饰自己。
38. In this low-key world, I have to use high-profile to cover myself.
39.会演戏的不一定都是演员，会装的一定就是孙子。
39. Not all actors are good at acting, but those who pretend are definitely grandsons.
40.不听老人言，死在我面前，唔唔唔！
40. If you don’t listen to the elderly, die in front of me, uh uh uh!
41.在家不能对着手机笑，家长会以为你在恋爱。
41. Don’t laugh at your phone at home, or your parents will think you’re in love.
42.不管瘦的时候美成啥样，胖了之后都一个德行。
42. No matter how beautiful you are when you’re thin, once you gain weight, you all look the same.
43.黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
43. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I use them to roll my eyes.
44.我是个演员，一看见漂亮MM眼就圆。
44. I’m an actor, and my eyes widen when I see a pretty girl.
45.给我一个支点，我把邻居那小子的汽车翘到沟里去，省得他见我就按喇叭。
45. Give me a fulcrum, and I’ll lever that neighbor kid’s car into the ditch, so he won’t honk at me every time he sees me.
46.我还年青，需要指点。但是，不需要您对我指指点点…
46. I’m still young and need guidance, but I don’t need you pointing fingers at me…
47.请不要把我对你的容忍，当成你不要脸的资本。
47. Please don’t take my tolerance of you as your capital for shamelessness.
48.你匍匐在地上仰视别人，就不能怪人家站得笔直俯视你。
48. If you crawl on the ground and look up at others, you can’t blame them for standing straight and looking down at you.
49.下雨了，别忘了打伞，湿身是小，淋病就麻烦啦！
49. It’s raining, don’t forget to open your umbrella; getting wet is minor, but catching a cold would be troublesome!
50.活了二十多年，没能为祖国为人民做点什么，每思及此，伤心欲绝。
50. I’ve lived for over 20 years and haven’t done anything for the motherland and the people. Whenever I think about this, I’m heartbroken.
51.将薪比薪的想一下，算了，不想活了。
51. Comparing my salary to others’, forget it, I don’t want to live anymore.
52.所谓的单纯，长了翅膀的就是天使，没长翅膀的就是白痴。
52. So-called innocence, with wings, you’re an angel; without wings, you’re an idiot.
53.与其混，与其熬，不如二，不如飙。
53. Instead of loafing or enduring, it’s better to be second or go all out.
54.生活就像忐忑，没有准确的歌词，却惊心动魄。
54. Life is like “T忐忑”, without accurate lyrics, yet it’s thrilling.
55.起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
55. Wake up earlier than a rooster, go to bed later than a cat, and earn less than a bald man’s hair.
56.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
56. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
57.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
57. When the world has legends, if it doesn’t shake the city with storm and rain, it’s对不起 the audience.
58.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
58. Everything has a price; the cost of happiness is pain.
59.我是心眼小，但是不缺，我是脾气好，但不是没有！
59. I may have a small mind, but it’s not lacking. I have a good temper, but it’s not nonexistent!
60.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
60. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!
61.女人一生最喜欢两朵花：一是有钱花，二是尽量花！
61. In a woman’s life, she loves two types of flowers: one is spending money, and the other is spending as much as possible!
62.两只鸳鸯同命鸟，一对蝴蝶可怜虫。
62. Two mandarin ducks share the same fate, while a pair of butterflies are pitiful creatures.
63.天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
63. If money falls from the sky, I won’t bend down to pick it up, because even pies don’t fall from the sky, let alone money.
64.是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
64. Everyone has a dark side. If you insist on saying you’re innocent, then I have to say, you’re not human!
65.有时候，除了谎言是真的，其它全是假的！
65. Sometimes, the only truth is a lie, and everything else is fake!
66.鸳鸯戏水，都他妈淹死；比翼双飞，都他妈摔死！
66. Mandarin ducks playing in the water all drown; birds flying side by side all crash to the ground!
67.明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱的光光的却被抓起来了！
67. Celebrities become more famous when they reveal a little, but when I reveal everything, I get arrested!
68.暧昧就是我找你借钱，你没说借，也没说不借，而是只说你老公不在家……
68. Ambiguity is when I ask you for a loan, and instead of saying yes or no, you just mention that your husband is not at home…
69.俗话说：你笑，全世界都跟着你笑；你哭，全世界只有你一个人哭。
69. As the saying goes: when you laugh, the whole world laughs with you; when you cry, only you cry alone.
70.当我看见美女的时候，首先摸摸兜里，看看有没有钱！
70. When I see a beautiful woman, I first check my pocket to see if I have any money!
71.谁说我白，瘦，漂亮，我就跟他做好朋友。
71. If anyone says I’m white, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be their best friend.
72.洗澡中，请勿打扰，偷窥请购票，个体四十，团体八折！
72. Do not disturb during shower, peeping is allowed with a ticket, individuals 40, group discount 20% off!
73.师太，你等着，老衲去让佛祖赐婚！
73. Wait, my dear nun, I’ll ask the Buddha to bless our marriage!
74.我太纯洁了，我纯洁的都有些无耻了！
74. I’m so innocent that even I feel shameless about my purity!
75.穿潮了，潮过头就是非主流，穿性感，性感过头就是坐台的。
75. If you dress too trendy, it becomes non-mainstream; if you dress too sexy, it becomes like you’re a prostitute.
76.我的进步让他刮目相看，从此他失去了双眼。
76. My progress made him take a fresh look at me, and since then, he has lost both his eyes.
77.我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
77. I said I prefer Li Bai’s poetry, Lu You got angry, and then my home had no internet access.
78.心狠手辣的我，舔了一下自己的手指，被辣哭了。
78. As a ruthless person, I licked my own finger and cried because of the spiciness.
79.老师的教诲，小明没齿难忘，于是第二天，他镶了一副假牙。
79. The teachings of the teacher were unforgettable for Xiao Ming, so the next day, he got a set of dentures.
80.愚公临死前，把儿子叫到床前。愚公：移山移山!儿子：亮晶晶?愚公猝
80. On his deathbed, Yu Gong called his son over. Yu Gong: “Move the mountain, move the mountain!” Son: “Twinkle, twinkle?” Yu Gong passed away.
81.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
81. If exams use QB as a reward, the country will become strong and prosperous immediately.
82.今天天气很好，在房间里宅久了，准备去客厅散散心。
82. The weather is nice today. After staying in the room for a long time, I’m going to the living room to relax.
83.提问：为什么暑假一定比寒假长?回答：因为热胀冷缩。
83. Question: Why is summer vacation always longer than winter vacation? Answer: Because of thermal expansion and contraction.
84.心情不好的时候，我就半夜给别人打骚扰电话，把他们吵醒了，我就睡觉。
84. When I’m in a bad mood, I make prank calls to others in the middle of the night. After waking them up, I go to sleep.
85.人干点好事儿总想让鬼神知道，干点坏事儿总以为鬼神不知道，我们太让鬼为难了。
85. People always want gods to know when they do good deeds, but they think gods don’t know when they do bad things. We make it too difficult for the gods.
86.人不犯我，我不犯人；人若犯我，礼让三分；人再犯我，我还一针；人还犯我，斩草除根。
86. If nobody hurts me, I won’t hurt anybody; if somebody hurts me, I will tolerate them to some extent; if they hurt me again, I will fight back; if they continue to hurt me, I will eliminate them completely.
87.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
87. I never hold grudges; if I have a grudge, I settle it on the spot.
88.每个人出生的时候都是原创，很可惜，很多人渐渐成了盗版。
88. Every person is original when they are born, but unfortunately, many people gradually become counterfeit.
89.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
89. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw a handsome and familiar person. I wanted to see who it was, but it turned out to be a mirror.
90.承诺就像女人说要减肥一样，经常说却很难做到，一切都是假的话。
90. Promises are like women saying they want to lose weight; they often say it but find it hard to do, and everything is false.
91.爱情是毒药，糖衣太美妙，浅尝了即止就好，喝下了把命都送掉。
91. Love is a poison; the sugar coating is delightful, but it’s better to stop after a small taste, or you might lose your life after drinking it all.
92.不要把自己的伤口揭开给别人看，世界上多的不是医师，多的是撒盐的人。
92. Don’t expose your wounds to others; there are more people in the world who sprinkle salt than doctors.
93.我们老板是小怪兽，我们是奥特曼。但我们见了老板就跑，因为我们没带召唤器。
93. Our boss is a little monster, and we are Ultraman. But when we see the boss, we run away because we don’t have our summoner.
94.你给我一个微笑，我也会还你一个微笑，也不是善意的招呼，只是让你知道：老子笑起来比你好看。
94. If you give me a smile, I will also give you a smile. It’s not a friendly greeting, but to let you know: I look better when I smile than you do.
95.再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
95. In a few decades, we will meet again, sent to the crematorium, all burned to ashes. You have a pile, and I have a pile; no one recognizes anyone, and all are sent to the countryside as fertilizer.
96.有事直接奔主题，不要拿你的无知，挑战我的黑名单。
96. Get straight to the point; don’t challenge my blacklist with your ignorance.
97.问：你喜欢我哪一点？答：我喜欢你离我远一点！
97. Question: What do you like about me? Answer: I like you to stay away from me!
98.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
98. In this world
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