1、有位非常漂亮的女同事，有天起晚了没有时间化妆便急忙冲到公司。结果那天她被记旷工了……
1. A very beautiful female colleague, one day got up late and had no time for makeup, so she rushed to the company. As a result, she was marked as absent that day…
2、妻子外出讨债，几个月后却空手而归。老公生气地说：“你真无能！”妻子不服地说：“我虽然没有要到钱，但老板的孩子被我当了人质！”老公大喜，问道：“人呢？” 妻子一拍肚子，说：“关在里面了！”
2. The wife went out to collect debts, and after a few months, she returned empty-handed. The husband angrily said, “You’re really incompetent!” The wife unconvincedly said, “Although I didn’t get the money, I took the boss’s child as a hostage!” The husband was overjoyed and asked, “Where is the person?” The wife patted her stomach and said, “Locked inside!”
3、结婚之前——男：“亲爱的，能不能和你啪啪？”女：“可以，但是得给我买漂亮衣服。”结婚以后——老婆：“亲爱的，今晚啪啪怎么样？”老公：“不要了，明天我给你买漂亮衣服可以吗？”
3. Before marriage - Boy: “Honey, can I have sex with you?” Girl: “Sure, but you have to buy me pretty clothes first.” After marriage - Wife: “Honey, how about having sex tonight?” Husband: “Not now, I’ll buy you pretty clothes tomorrow, okay?”
4、办公室一美女刚休完产假第一天上班， 一男同事快速冲杯咖啡端到美女面前，美女受宠说: 我在哺乳期，不能喝咖啡！ 男同事：谁让你喝了，让你给加点奶。
4. A beautiful office lady just returned to work after maternity leave, and a male colleague quickly made a cup of coffee and brought it to her. The beauty, feeling favored, said, “I’m breastfeeding, I can’t drink coffee!” The male colleague: “Who asked you to drink it? Add some milk for me.”
5、唐僧第一次见悟空的时候问他是不是从一个叫做美国的地方来，悟空摇摇头。唐僧又问悟空觉得自己长得好看吗，悟空摇摇头。唐僧：那你为什么叫美猴王？
5. When Tang Monk first met Wukong, he asked if he came from a place called America, Wukong shook his head. Tang Monk then asked Wukong if he thought he was good-looking, Wukong shook his head again. Tang Monk: “Then why are you called the Handsome Monkey King?”
6、有个员工买了个杯子，上面印着“我要涨工资”，每每开会都要把这几个字冲着老板。终于有一天，老板也买了个杯子，上面写着“滚蛋”！
6. An employee bought a cup with the words “I want a raise” printed on it, and every time there was a meeting, he would point these words at the boss. Finally, one day, the boss also bought a cup with the words “Get lost” written on it!
7、昨晚在饭店吃饭，发了条微博之后，觉得眼睛很累，突然想起网上说的让眼睛放松的方法，于是就想试一试。先把手搓热，然后用双手捂住眼睛，放松，脑袋放空什么都不想，持续五分钟,五分钟之后，把手放开，尼玛……桌子上的手机没了。
7. Last night, I was eating at a restaurant and posted a Weibo. Feeling tired in my eyes, I suddenly remembered the method of relaxing the eyes mentioned online, so I wanted to give it a try. First, rub your hands warm, then cover your eyes with both hands, relax, empty your mind and think of nothing, keep this up for five minutes. After five minutes, release your hands, and damn… the phone on the table is gone.
8、男友去喝喜酒，席间突然停电。大家担心有人偷吃菜，于是都建议拍手唱歌。正在拍手时电突然来了，大家一看，一人正在一手夹菜一手打自己耳光。
8. The boyfriend went to a wedding banquet, and there was a sudden power outage during the meal. Everyone was worried that someone would steal the dishes, so they all suggested clapping and singing. While clapping, the electricity suddenly came back, and everyone saw a person with one hand picking up food and the other hand slapping their own face.
9、问一对男女：如果死后，在奈何桥看到孟婆，给你喝孟婆汤，你说什么？女友：不要让我忘掉亲人，好吗？男友：不要香菜和葱花，谢谢！
9. Ask a couple of men and women: If after death, when you see Meng Po at the Naihe Bridge and she offers you Meng Po soup, what would you say? Girlfriend: “Please don’t let me forget my loved ones, okay?” Boyfriend: “No cilantro and scallions, please!”
10、昨晚第一次去男友家见家长，她妈妈做的菜很好吃。我吃完一碗饭刚想起身再去装一碗时，他妈妈把我按住了说：“没事碗放着等下我一起洗。”
10. Last night, I went to my boyfriend’s house for the first time to meet his parents. His mother’s cooking was delicious. After finishing a bowl of rice, I just got up to get another bowl when his mother held me back and said, “It’s okay, leave the bowl there, I’ll wash them together later.”
11、一朋友，卖水果的，他说卖了十几年了都没挣到什么钱，但是一直不愿转行，原因是：我的水果摊位桌子都很低，每天大量美女低头挑水果是我坚持下去的动力！
11. A friend of mine, who sells fruits, said that he has been selling for more than ten years and hasn’t made much money, but he has always been unwilling to change professions. The reason is: “My fruit stall table is very low, and every day a large number of beautiful women bend down to choose fruits is my motivation to keep going!”
12、天和闺蜜一起逛街，路过公园，闺蜜听到了音乐停下脚步望向园内。我：“怎么不走啦？”二货闺蜜说到：“一想到我们也会变老，心里感觉好害怕！”我安慰她怕什么，人总会变老死去的啊！她：“不是，那些广场舞看起来好难啊！我们以后能学会嘛！”好吧好吧，你赢了。
12. Today, I went shopping with my best friend, and we passed by a park. My best friend stopped and looked into the park when she heard the music. I asked, “Why aren’t you walking?” My silly best friend said, “Thinking about how we will also grow old, I feel so scared!” I comforted her, “Don’t be afraid, everyone will grow old and die!” She: “No, those square dances look so difficult! Will we be able to learn them later?” Okay, okay, you win.
13、一男问女友，你知道男人最喜欢听女人的哪句话吗。女友说 ，我爱你。男友说，不是，是这句话。说完，男友用力捏了一下女友的手，女友喊，啊~~疼 男友说，对，就是这句话。
13. A man asked his girlfriend, “Do you know what men like to hear most from women?” The girlfriend said, “I love you.” The boyfriend replied, “No, it’s this sentence.” After saying that, the boyfriend squeezed his girlfriend’s hand hard, and the girlfriend shouted, “Ah~ it hurts!” The boyfriend said, “Yes, that’s the sentence.”
14、晚上想买零食吃，妈咪制止，问我：“你不减肥了？”我说：“嗨，反正我有男朋友，有人要了。”然后我妈看着我好久，说了句特励志的话：“不想换了？”
14. I wanted to buy snacks in the evening, but my mom stopped me and asked, “Aren’t you on a diet anymore?” I said, “Hey, I have a boyfriend now, someone wants me.” Then my mom looked at me for a long time and said something very inspiring: “Don’t you want to change?”
15、最近想和男朋友一起看电影，大家有没有什么好的男朋友推荐一个！
15. I recently want to watch a movie with my boyfriend. Does anyone have any good boyfriend recommendations?
16、在北京二月吃雾霾，三月吃风沙，四月吃柳絮，五月吃杨树毛儿，而今天……TMD吃的套餐！
16. In Beijing, we eat smog in February, sand in March, willow catkins in April, poplar fluff in May, and today… damn, we’re eating a combo meal!
1.不好吃着碗里的惦记锅里的，直接抱着锅吃多省心。
1. It’s not good to eat from one bowl while thinking about another. Just hold the pot and eat, it’s much more convenient.
2.生活就像宋祖德的嘴，你永远都不知道下一个倒霉的会是谁。
2. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth; you never know who will be the next victim.
3.领导重视你的时候就是领导利用你的时候！但我却那么渴望被领导利用！
3. When the leader pays attention to you, that’s when the leader is using you! But I’m so eager to be used by the leader!
4.听说女生如衣服，兄弟如手足。回想起来，我竟然七手八脚的裸奔了年！
4. I heard that girls are like clothes, and brothers are like hands and feet. Looking back, I’ve been running naked with seven hands and eight feet for years!
5.去披萨店买披萨！服务员问我是要切成块还是块？我想了想说：还是块吧！块吃不完！
5. I went to a pizzeria to buy a pizza! The waiter asked me if I wanted it cut into slices or pieces. I thought for a moment and said: “Just pieces!” I can’t finish eating the whole piece anyway!
6.总有人在我面前说：先生存，再生活。但是我发现，当你忙完生存后，生活已经荡然无存。
6. People always say to me: “Survive first, then live.” But I’ve found that when you’re done surviving, life is already gone.
7.经过周末两天的休息，大家此刻都很累了……
7. After a weekend of rest, everyone is very tired at the moment…
8.小时候，父母始终坚信女大十八变，丑小鸭会变白天鹅，然后嫁个大款成富婆；长大后某天，父亲很专注地看着我，然后语重心长地说：“孩子，你还是用功读书吧……”
8. When I was a child, my parents always believed that girls change when they grow up, ugly ducks become white swans, and then marry a rich guy to become a wealthy woman; when I grew up, one day my father looked at me very attentively and said earnestly, “Child, you should study hard…”
9.刚到深圳，一出车站就遇到一个女生拉生意：“大哥，路上坐车辛苦，进来操个B歇歇吧！”
9. Just arrived in Shenzhen, as soon as I got out of the station, I met a girl soliciting business: “Big brother, you must be tired from the journey. Come in and take a break!”
10.出来混，老婆迟早是要换的！
10. When you’re out in the world, a wife is something you’ll eventually change!
11.我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
11. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, so I can’t chat as much as you’d like to hear.
12.关于丁字裤：以前，脱下内裤看屁股；此刻，拔开屁股看内裤…
12. About thongs: Before, you took off your underwear to see your butt; now, you pull apart your butt to see your underwear…
13.减肥彻底失败了——转行给老公踩背松骨…
13. My weight loss has completely failed - now I’m working as a masseuse for my husband…
14.我想早恋，但是已经晚了……
14. I wish I could have had a puppy love, but it’s already too late…
15.啥时硬件也能够COPY就好了！
15. When can hardware also be copied?
16.别人的钱财乃我的身外之物。
16. Other people’s money is my worldly possession.
17.只要有人对你说他忙，就等于向你宣布你对他不重要。。昨日晚上我没有失约，我翻墙进去找你了，但是院子里那条愚蠢的狗把我咬出来了。
17. Whenever someone tells you they are busy, it’s like declaring that you are unimportant to them. Last night, I didn’t break our appointment; I climbed over the wall to find you, but that stupid dog in the yard bit me out.
18.老婆破天荒地第一次支持我买车——赶紧买辆车吧，这样去看我妈的时候带东西就不用不愁了，而且去看你妈的时候还能够多带点东西回来…
18. My wife, for the first time ever, supported me buying a car - hurry up and buy a car, so when we visit my mom, we won’t have to worry about carrying things, and when we visit your mom, we can bring even more stuff back…
19.放自我的屁，让别人闻去吧！
19. Let me release my own farts and let others smell them!
20.在猪圈里，你不必讲究人类的礼仪。
20. In a pigsty, you don’t need to follow human etiquette.
21.你给我滚，马不停蹄的滚……
21. Get out of here, and keep rolling…
22.出门在外，请记住：必须要把牛B还给牛！
22. When you’re out and about, remember: you must return the cow’s B to the cow!
23.女生安慰女生时往往说自我很惨；男生安慰男生时往往说另一个男生很惨。
23. When girls comfort other girls, they often talk about their own misfortunes; when guys comfort other guys, they often talk about the misfortunes of another guy.
24.咱们的目标:向钱看,向厚赚。
24. Our goal: Focus on money and make a fat profit.
25.邯郸农行万惊醒了我的彩票梦，还是老老实实的做人吧，别总胡思乱想了成天！
25. The Handan Agricultural Bank incident shattered my lottery dream; I’d better be a decent person and stop daydreaming all the time!
26.男生长的帅有个屁用呀？到银行能用脸刷卡吗？
26. What’s the use of a handsome guy? Can he use his face to swipe a card at the bank?
27.单身并不难，难的是应付那些千方百计想让你结束单身的人。
27. Being single is not difficult; what’s difficult is dealing with those who try every possible means to end your singlehood.
28.咱们产生一点小分歧：她期望我把粪土变黄金，我期望她视黄金如粪土。
28. We have a slight disagreement: she expects me to turn dirt into gold, while I expect her to treat gold like dirt.
29.这个世界上我只坚信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
29. In this world, I only have faith in two people, one is me, and the other is not you.
30.必须要糊涂，不好追求真理…真理是婊子！
30. One must be content with being confused, instead of pursuing the truth… the truth is a whore!
31.大学同学工作后第一次聚会选取在动物园，大家共同的理由是：只有在那里，才能感慨到自我还是个人啊！
31. Our university classmates chose the zoo as the venue for our first gathering after starting work, and the common reason was: only there can we feel like we are still human!
32.好吃但是饺子，好玩但是嫂子。
32. The best food is dumplings, and the most fun is flirting with your brother’s wife.
33.通常愿意留下来跟你争吵的人，才是真正爱你的人！
33. Those who are willing to stay and argue with you are usually the ones who truly love you!
34.人又不聪明，还学人家秃顶！！
34. One is not smart, yet still imitates baldness!
35.《XX联播》：前分钟领导们都很忙，中间分钟全国人民都很幸福，后分钟世界其他国家都处在水生火热中。
35. “XX News Broadcast”: The first half hour shows the leaders are busy, the middle half hour shows the people are happy, and the last half hour shows that the rest of the world is in turmoil.
36.我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说！
36. I am in the world of martial arts, yet there are no legends about me!
37.始终没有沦为一个优秀的大学生，靠的就是坚强的品质！
37. I have never become an outstanding university student, all thanks to my strong character!
38.我都不泡你了，你又何苦泡我。
38. I’m not chasing you anymore, so why bother pursuing me?
39.我允许你走进我的世界，但决不允许你在我的世界里走来走去。
39. I allow you to enter my world, but I absolutely forbid you from wandering around in it.
40.不以风骚惊天下，就以淫荡动世人
40. If not to astonish the world with my charm, then to move people with my debauchery.
41.中国写诗最好的人在精神病院里。
41. The best poets in China are in mental institutions.
42.天哪！我的衣服又瘦了。
42. Oh my God! My clothes have shrunk again.
43.刚开始不给的是女生，之后急着要的还是女生！
43. At first, it’s the girls who refuse, and later, it’s still the girls who are eager to get them!
44.此地禁止大小便，违者没收工具。
44. No defecation or urination allowed here. Violators will have their tools confiscated.
45.令人不能自拔的，除了牙齿还有感情。
45. What is irresistible, besides teeth, is emotions.
46.生活与生存之间就一字之差，但却是天上人间，有多少人在生活，又有多少人在生存？试问自我是在生活还是在生存？
46. The difference between life and survival is just one character, but it’s a world apart. How many people are truly living, and how many are just surviving? Ask yourself, are you living or just surviving?
47.一时的冲动，子孙的危机！
47. A moment of impulse, a crisis for future generations!
48.你们也不能太侮辱周正龙的智慧，至少他自我没顶片树叶，然后宣称自我是华南虎！
48. You can’t insult Zhou Zhenglong’s wisdom too much, at least he didn’t put a leaf on his head and claim to be a South China tiger!
49.干掉鸟人我就是天使！
49. Get rid of the birdman, and I’ll be an angel!
50.当面夸一女同学：你真是清水出芙蓉！
50. Compliment a female classmate to her face: You are truly a lotus rising from clear water!
51.我理论上有两种笑容，露齿而笑，猥琐，咧嘴大笑，十分猥琐。实际上别人都说我的笑容极度猥琐。
51. I theoretically have two types of smiles, baring teeth and smiling, creepy, and grinning widely, very creepy. In reality, people say my smile is extremely creepy.
52.我就算是一只癞蛤蟆，我也决不娶母癞蛤蟆。
52. Even if I were a toad, I would never marry a female toad.
53.如果兄弟姐妹能够出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
53. If I could sell my siblings, and each was worth five bucks, I could make a small fortune.
54.告别手淫，寻找感情。锻炼JJ，天天享受。
54. Say goodbye to masturbation, seek love. Exercise JJ, enjoy every day.
55.参加选美的那些女生，都找不到好男生，正因好男生都结婚了，比如我。
55. Those girls who participate in beauty pageants can’t find good guys, because good guys are already married, like me.
56.感情就象鬼，坚信的人多，见到的人少。
56. Love is like a ghost, believed by many, seen by few.
57.我拼命奔跑，却甩不开紧紧跟随的伤悲……
57. I run desperately, but cannot shake off the tightly following sorrow…
58.要么忍，要么残忍。
58. Either endure, or be cruel.
59.我把你的话放到油锅里能够炸出油来，哈哈
59. If I put your words in a frying pan, I could fry oil out of them, haha.
60.这天准备做件事：想你；骗你。
60. Today I plan to do something: think of you; deceive you.
61.男生口袋有点钱，腰部以下不会闲！
61. When a guy has some money in his pocket, he won’t be idle below the waist.
62.如果情绪不好，就去超市捏捏方便面。
62. If in a bad mood, go to the supermarket and squeeze some instant noodles.
63.早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
63. I knew he was no good, I just forgot to mention it.
64.我一定要在你平凡无奇的人生里做一个闪闪发光的神经病。
64. I must be a shining lunatic in your ordinary life.
65.男生疼的时候说“额”，女生疼的时候说“啊”；但是男生爽的时候说“啊”，女生爽的时候说“额”！
65. When a guy is in pain, he says “eh”, when a girl is in pain, she says “ah”; but when a guy is pleased, he says “ah”, and when a girl is pleased, she says “eh”!
66.征婚启事：要求如下，A活的，B女的。
66. Marriage wanted ad: Requirements are as follows, A: alive, B: female.
67.视金钱如粪土，但所有的人都在争着做粪土收藏家。
67. Treat money like manure, but everyone is competing to be a manure collector.
68.你进外企我当工人，正因那天是监考老师量多的日子——-坐我前面不动了！命呀！
68. You join a foreign company, I become a worker, precisely because that day was when the proctor had a lot to deal with - sitting in front of me motionless! Fate!
69.生活真他妈好玩，因为生活总他妈玩我。
69. Life is really fucking fun, because life always plays tricks on me.
70.今天是一起养狗，以后就一起遛狗，日久生情，狗又生狗。
70. Today we raise a dog together, and in the future, we will walk the dog together. Over time, feelings grow, and the dog has more puppies.
1.问世间情为何物？圣人答曰：“废物。”
1. What is love in this world? The sage replies, “Trash.”
2.此刻的梦想决定着你的将来，还是再睡一会吧！
2. Your current dreams determine your future, or should I sleep a little longer?
3.单身很痛苦，单身久了更痛苦，前几天我看见一头母猪，都觉得它眉清目秀的。
3. Being single is painful, and being single for a long time is even more painful. A few days ago, I saw a sow and thought it had a pretty face.
4.男生，上半身是修养，下半身是本质；女生，上半身是诱饵，下半身是陷阱。
4. For men, the upper body represents cultivation, and the lower body represents nature; for women, the upper body is bait, and the lower body is a trap.
5.春天，你在后山种下一个女兄弟姐妹，到了秋天，结出那漫山遍野的绿帽子！
5. In spring, you plant a girl on the back mountain, and by autumn, you reap the green hats all over the mountain!
6.男生长的帅有个屁用呀？到银行能用脸刷卡吗？
6. What’s the use of a handsome guy? Can you use your face to swipe a card at the bank?
7.摆摊…赚钱…日老婆…生仔…仔大…再摆摊！
7. Set up a stall… make money… marry a wife… have children… when the child grows up… set up another stall!
8.等待你的关心，等到我关上了心。
8. Waiting for your concern, I waited until I closed my heart.
9.我想一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不着出路……
9. I feel like a fly on the glass, with a bright future ahead, but I can’t find a way out…
10.名花虽有主，我来松松土。
10. Although the famous flower has its owner, I will loosen the soil around it.
11.老子要一门心思泡妞，每人拔一根阴毛留纪念的话，估计能织件毛衣！
11. I want to devote myself to chasing girls, and if everyone plucks a pubic hair for a souvenir, I guess I could knit a sweater!
12.年轻的时候，咱们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸；年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
12. When we were young, we often made faces at the mirror; when we grow old, the mirror evens the score.
13.文思三千不如胸脯四两，才高八斗不如胯下半斤！
13. Three thousand literary thoughts are not as good as four ounces of breasts, and eight bushels of talent are not as good as half a catty between the legs!
14.“一炮走红”这条成语其实是形容古今女艺人的！
14. The idiom “one shot to fame” actually describes ancient and modern female artists!
15.作家对网络文学很是鄙视，于是他们都充当起色情网络写手，走曲线救国的道路。
15. Writers despise online literature, so they all become pornographic online writers, taking the road of indirect salvation for their country.
16.我这个人最老实。从不说谎话。这句除外。
16. I am the most honest person. I never lie. Except for this sentence.
17.拿菜刀砍电线，一路火花带闪电。
17. Chopping the electric wire with a kitchen knife, sparks and lightning all the way.
18.混娱乐圈就像打麻将，想做大牌，就得舍得一筒和么鸡！
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