1.你脑子空不要紧，关键是不要进水。
1. It doesn’t matter if your head is empty, the key is not to let water in.
2.我空有一身泡妞本事，可惜自己是个妞。
2. I have all the skills to flirt, but unfortunately, I’m a girl myself.
3.大脑是最高贵的器官——因为是大脑告诉你的。
3. The brain is the most noble organ – because it’s the brain that tells you so.
4.你瘦的时候你在我心里，后来胖了、卡在里面出不来了 。
4. When you were thin, you were in my heart; then you got fat and got stuck in there.
5.光头强，我教你砍树，你教我怎么坚强。
5. Gang Tiedong, I’ll teach you how to chop trees, and you teach me how to be strong.
6.一断网，我就感觉自己成了山顶洞人……
6. As soon as the internet is down, I feel like a caveman on the mountain…
7.我要给未来对象的妈一个差评，发货太慢，到现在还没收到人儿。。。
7. I want to give my future partner’s mom a negative review for shipping too slowly; I still haven’t received the person.
8.我坚信我的成绩不代表我的智商
8. I firmly believe that my grades do not represent my intelligence.
9.鼠妹鼠妹你告诉我 咱家大米饭被谁偷吃了
9. Mouse sister, tell me who stole our family’s rice?
10.每天早上醒来发型都帅呆了,不是赛亚人就是奥特曼.
10. Every morning when I wake up, my hairstyle is amazing, either like a Saiyan or Ultraman.
11.体育老师说：谁敢穿裙子上我的课，就罚她倒立！
11. The PE teacher said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt in my class will be punished by standing on their hands!
12.天凉了、大家出门别忘了披件袈裟！
12. It’s getting cold, don’t forget to wear a cassock when going out!
13.在认真发胖这件事上从没让人失望过
13. I’ve never disappointed anyone in the matter of gaining weight seriously.
14.上帝啊，你去问问丘比特是不是把我的箭玩断了？
14. God, go ask Cupid if he broke my arrow while playing with it?
15.别人都是手牵手，我却手里牵条狗，走一走，瞅一瞅，看谁不爽咬两口。
15. Others hold hands, but I hold a dog leash, walking around and biting whoever I don’t like.
16.我在减肥,我既不节食也不运动,我用的是意念,我会瘦。
16. I’m on a diet; I neither diet nor exercise. I use my willpower, and I’ll become thin.
17.我想有人掩护我去麦当劳偷番茄酱的时候你在哪里
17. I wish someone could cover for me when I sneak into McDonald’s to steal ketchup.
18.长相分两种 一种是好看的 一种是难看的 你是属于中间的 好难看的.
18. There are two types of looks: good-looking and ugly. You belong to the in-between, which is terribly unattractive.
19.锄禾当午，上课真辛苦，一本小破书，一看一上午。
19. Hoeing the field at noon, classes are really tiring. A small, broken book takes up the whole morning.
20.朋友说：你总躺着累不累啊！我说：就算累死也愿意躺着
20. My friend said: Aren’t you tired of lying down all the time? I replied: I’d rather die tired than not lie down.
21.“老公我手机掉厕所了怎么办？” 老公回到：“是屎在给我发信息吗？” 。。。。。
21. “My husband, my phone fell into the toilet, what should I do?” The husband replies, “Is it poop texting me?”
22.闹钟叫醒了我的身体，却叫不醒我沉睡的心。
22. The alarm clock wakes up my body, but it can’t wake up my dormant heart.
23.人生如梦，我总失眠；人生如戏，我总穿帮；人生如歌，我总跑调；人生如战场，我总走火。
23. Life is like a dream, and I always have insomnia; life is like a play, and I always slip up; life is like a song, and I always go off-key; life is like a battlefield, and I always misfire.
24.踩到香蕉皮摔倒了，一定要爬起来继续踩，踩烂掉它就不滑了。
24. If you slip on a banana peel, make sure to get up and keep stepping on it until it’s crushed and no longer slippery.
25.请大声朗读：卧梅又闻花，卧枝伤恨低。邀闻卧石碎，卧湿达春绿。
25. Please read the following lines aloud: A plum blossom lies in the snow, its branches wounded and low. I invite you to hear the shattered stone, as the wetness brings spring’s green glow.
26.我们中国树木资源这么少，就是因为试卷太多，没有买卖，就没有杀害！
26. The reason why we have so few trees in China is because there are too many exam papers. No buying, no killing!
27.我辛辛苦苦算出答案是，可选项上却没有……
27. I worked hard to calculate the answer, but it wasn’t listed in the options…
28.上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带，下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做。横批：重在参与！
28. Upper couplet: Student ID, exam ID, ID card, no ID brought; Lower couplet: Listening questions, reading questions, essay questions, no questions attempted. Horizontal scroll: Participation is the key!
29.在抄同学作业，同学叮嘱，千万不要让老师觉得你是抄的啊！我想了一想，在答案的后面写了一个“转”
29. While copying a classmate’s homework, the classmate warned, “Don’t let the teacher think you’re copying!” I thought for a moment and added the word “forward” after the answer.
30.考完试。A“数学卷背面的题真难！”B“啥？背面还有题？”C“啥？刚才考的是数学？”
30. After the exam. A: “The questions on the back of the math paper are really difficult!” B: “What? There are questions on the back?” C: “What? Was the exam for math just now?”
31.每次抓到吸血的蚊子，我会对它进行思想教育，告诉它再也不能这样子干了，最后再一巴掌拍下去。
31. Every time I catch a blood-sucking mosquito, I give it a lecture on morality, telling it never to do this again, and then I slap it dead.
32.每次我买饮料都是谢谢惠顾，一天我考试突然惠字不会写了，我就把旁边的饮料打开，当时我疯了，居然中奖了
32. Every time I buy a drink, I get a “Thank you for your patronage” message. One day, during an exam, I suddenly couldn’t write the character “Hui” (patronage), so I opened the drink next to me, and I went crazy when I found out I had won a prize.
33.下班都坐公交回家，某天着急回家便去打车。上车后司机热情的问“听歌吗？”“听！”然后司机给我唱了一路~
33. I usually take the bus home from work, but one day I was in a hurry and took a taxi. After getting in, the driver asked enthusiastically, “Would you like to listen to some music?” “Yes!” I replied, and then the driver sang for me the whole way.
2.不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
2. Don’t be so optimistic like a fart, thinking you can shake the heavens and move the earth.
3.步步高打火机，哪里不会点哪里。
3. Step-by-step, the higher you go, the lighter it gets. Wherever you don’t understand, just point and light it up.
4.男人不能惯，越惯越混蛋。女人就得宠，越宠越有种，还是别人的。
4. Men shouldn’t be spoiled, the more you spoil them, the more they become jerks. Women should be pampered, the more you pamper them, the more they become someone special, but still belong to others.
5.穿的一个比一个危险，长得一个比一个安全
5. The way they dress is more and more dangerous, but the way they look is safer and safer.
6.春色满园关不住，我诱红杏出墙来。
6. The spring scenery in the garden cannot be contained; I lure the red apricot out of the wall.
7.到处都有痛苦，而比痛苦更为持久且尖利伤人的是，到处都有抱有期望的等待。
7. There is pain everywhere, but what is more enduring and sharp than pain is the expectation-filled waiting found everywhere.
8.和你擦肩而过你却不知道是我，因为我把头扭过去了。
8. I passed by you without you realizing it’s me, because I turned my head away.
9.即使有人骂我神经病，我也会坚强的抬起头蔑视的对他说“你难道和我一个医院的?
9. Even if someone calls me crazy, I will raise my head strong and disdainfully say to them, “Are you from the same hospital as me?”
10.戒烟容易，戒你太难!
10. Quitting smoking is easy, but quitting you is too hard!
11.考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
11. During the exam, I wanted to turn the tide, but damn it, I ended up sticking to the pan.
12.没有人在世界上能够“弃”你，除非你自己自暴自弃。因为我们是属于自己的，并不属于他人。
12. No one in the world can “abandon” you unless you give up on yourself. Because we belong to ourselves, not to others.
13.从前有人在我空间里跑堂，不到两秒钟，嘎的一下就死了。
13. Once, someone ran through my space, and in less than two seconds, they suddenly died.
14.大部分人一辈子只做三件事：自欺、欺人被人欺。
14. Most people do three things in their lives: deceive themselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
15.你的年龄有多大，我不关心。我想知道，为了爱，为了梦，为了生机勃勃的奇遇，你是否愿意像傻瓜一样冒险?
15. I don’t care how old you are. I want to know, for love, for dreams, for vibrant adventures, are you willing to take risks like a fool?
16.顾客不是上帝，顾客只是上当。
16. Customers are not God; customers are just being deceived.
17.人间正道是沧桑，活的不要太嚣张。
17. The right path in life is full of hardships; don’t live too arrogantly.
18.如果你年轻却不激进，那么你就是个没心的人，如果你老了却不保守，那么你就是个没脑的人。
18. If you are young and not radical, you are heartless; if you are old and not conservative, you are brainless.
19.如今这社会，女的照相照胸，男的照相照车谁知道胸是不是挤的，车是不是你的。
19. Nowadays, women take photos of their chests, and men take photos of their cars. Who knows if the chest is squeezed or if the car is yours.
20.你肺活量是多少啊，能把牛B吹的这么大。
20. How much lung capacity do you have to blow such a big牛皮 (bullshit)?
21.本无意与众不同，怎奈何品味出众。
21. I didn’t intend to be different, but my taste is outstanding.
22.闭上眼睛，我看到了我的前途。
22. With my eyes closed, I see my future.
23.不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友!
23. I’m not afraid of enemies like tigers; I’m afraid of teammates like pigs!
24.出生时你哭着，所有都笑着，离去时你笑着，所有都哭着。
24. When you are born, you cry while everyone else laughs. When you leave, you laugh while everyone else cries.
25.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们打的找去吧。
25. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them search for you.
26.多多关注三峡在线，便可分享更多经典盘点。
26. Pay more attention to Three Gorges Online to share more classic reviews.
27.路见不平一声吼，吼完继续往前走。
27. If you see injustice, shout out, and then continue to move forward.
28.你那么喜欢劈腿，怎么不去跳芭蕾舞。
28. You like cheating so much, why don’t you go dance ballet?
29.蓦然回首，你咋还没走。
29. Suddenly looking back, why haven’t you left yet?
30.恶人从不搞笑，恶人要抓紧时间做恶。
30. Evil people never make jokes; they need to seize time to do evil.
31.恶人说：再说俺是恶人，俺就害死你!
31. The evil person says: If you call me an evil person again, I will harm you!
32.被傻子喜欢也是总炫耀。
32. Being liked by a fool is also something to show off.
33.似花似水似你妈，倾国倾城倾你爸。
33. Like a flower, like water, like your mom, charming your father.
34.我厌恶骨子里的优柔寡断。
34. I despise the indecision in my bones.
35.私奔的缩写是SB，AV在键盘后面跟的还是SB。
35. The abbreviation for eloping is SB, and AV followed by SB on the keyboard.
36.今天吃饭前照常看了一下菜，天啊！今天没有肉。
36. Today, before eating, I checked the dishes as usual. Oh my god! There’s no meat today.
37.我算不算个性，当然。
37. Am I unique? Of course.
38.你抓着你的鸡爪指着我干嘛知不知道我喜欢泡椒味的不喜欢人渣味的。
38. Why are you pointing at me with your chicken claws? Don’t you know I like the taste of pickled pepper, not the taste of scum.
39.上学最开心听到的一句话就是：今天班主任不在。
39. The happiest thing to hear at school is: The headteacher is not here today.
40.每次你说我不够独立的时候、我都选择沉默。我很想告诉你、当我不再依赖你、就是你该滚的时候了。
40. Every time you say I’m not independent enough, I choose to be silent. I really want to tell you that when I no longer rely on you, it’s time for you to leave.
41.男人最大的本事，就是把自己的女朋友放纵到别的男人都受不了。
41. A man’s greatest skill is to indulge his girlfriend so much that no other man can stand her.
42.别要不要分白天黑夜的在我面前犯贱。
42. Don’t be shameless in front of me, day or night.
43.生活就像新闻联播，不是换台就能逃避的了的。
43. Life is like the news broadcast, you can’t escape by just changing the channel.
44.我是个特别的人，我是个平凡的人，所以我是个特别平凡的人。
44. I am a special person, I am an ordinary person, so I am a particularly ordinary person.
45.妈妈说：就算吃醋也要装的跟喝了酱油似的，不能让别人瞧不起。
45. Mom said: Even if you are jealous, you should act like you drank soy sauce, so that others won’t look down on you.
46.对于姑娘来说：出来混，迟早是要怀的。
46. For girls: When you come out to play, sooner or later, you will get pregnant.
47.天涯何处无牛粪，何必单恋一坨屎。
47. Wherever there is cow dung in the world, why be infatuated with a single turd?
48.如果有一天全世界的男人来月经了，我会去卖卫生经。
48. If one day all the men in the world get menstruation, I will sell sanitary pads.
49.以后不要在我面前说英文，OK？
49. Don’t speak English in front of me from now on, OK?
50.如果男人不帮你穿上婚纱，你就送他件袈裟。
50. If a man doesn’t help you put on your wedding dress, just give him a kasaya (Buddhist monk’s robe).
51.你玩你的自定义、我玩我的格式化。
51. You play your customization, I play my formatting.
52.小姐，对不起，我长得不帅。但不是每个女人都有机会。
52. Miss, I’m sorry, I’m not handsome. But not every woman has the chance.
53.不是哥迷恋传说，只是传说太美。
53. It’s not that I’m infatuated with legends, it’s just that the legends are too beautiful.
54.心狠手辣的我，舔了一下自己的手指，被辣哭了。
54. I, who is ruthless and merciless, licked my own finger and cried because it was spicy.
55.老师的教诲，小明没齿难忘，于是第二天，他镶了一副假牙。
55. Teacher’s teachings, Xiao Ming never forgets, so the next day, he got a pair of dentures.
56.愚公临死前，把儿子叫到床前。愚公：移山移山!儿子：亮晶晶?愚公猝
56. Before Yu Gong died, he called his son to his bedside. Yu Gong: Move the mountain, move the mountain! Son: Twinkle, twinkle? Yu Gong passed away.
57.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
57. If exams used QB (Q币, a virtual currency in China) as rewards, the country would become strong and prosperous immediately.
58.今天天气很好，在房间里宅久了，准备去客厅散散心。
58. The weather is very nice today. After staying in the room for a long time, I’m going to the living room to relax.
59.提问：为什么暑假一定比寒假长?回答：因为热胀冷缩。
59. Question: Why is summer vacation always longer than winter vacation? Answer: Because of thermal expansion and contraction.
60.心情不好的时候，我就半夜给别人打骚扰电话，把他们吵醒了，我就睡觉。
60. When I’m in a bad mood, I call others in the middle of the night to disturb them, and when they wake up, I go to sleep.
61.人干点好事儿总想让鬼神知道，干点坏事儿总以为鬼神不知道，我们太让鬼为难了。
61. People always want gods to know when they do good deeds, but they think gods don’t know when they do bad things. We’re making it too difficult for the gods.
62.人不犯我，我不犯人；人若犯我，礼让三分；人再犯我，我还一针；人还犯我，斩草除根。
62. If people don’t offend me, I won’t offend them; if they do, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt; if they continue, I’ll retaliate; if they still offend me, I’ll eliminate them completely.
63.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
63. I never hold grudges, I usually take revenge on the spot.
64.每个人出生的时候都是原创，很可惜，很多人渐渐成了盗版。
64. Every person is original when they are born, but unfortunately, many people gradually become counterfeit.
65.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
65. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw someone who was both handsome and familiar. I wanted to see who it was, but it turned out to be a mirror.
66.对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完后，死机了。
66. I sang “Tantrum” (a popular Chinese song) to the computer, and after finishing, it crashed.
67.想死，买了瓶农药，盖子上写——再来一瓶。
67. I wanted to die, so I bought a bottle of pesticide, and the cap said: “One more bottle for free.”
68.鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
68. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.
69.一觉醒来，天都黑了。
69. Upon waking up, it’s already dark outside.
70.为什么一看书，就困呢？因为书，是梦开始的地方。
70. Why does one feel sleepy when reading? Because books are where dreams begin.
71.你若军训，便是晴天。你若放假，便是雨天。你若发奋写作业，便是开学前一天！
71. If you go through military training, it’s always sunny. If you have a vacation, it rains. If you work hard on homework, it’s always the day before school starts.
72.老师总是叫我们不要说谎，一到上面来检查时就教我们说谎。
72. Teachers always tell us not to lie, but when someone from higher up comes to inspect, they teach us to lie.
73.如果我是僵尸，我一定择吃掉所有好学生的脑。
73. If I were a zombie, I would definitely choose to eat the brains of all the good students.
74.这个夏天出门就是进烤箱、走路就是麻辣烫、坐下就是铁板烧、还是别下雨了、下雨就成水煮鱼。
74. Going out in the summer is like entering an oven, walking is like eating spicy hot pot, sitting down is like having an iron plate barbecue, so it’s better not to rain, or else we’ll become boiled fish.
75.如果逃避就能不去面对的话，请送我一双溜冰鞋，让我跑的更快。
75. If escaping could help avoid facing things, please give me a pair of roller skates to run faster.
76.每一个长期减肥未成功的女子，身边都有一个多年增肥无效的闺蜜。
76. Every woman who has failed to lose weight for a long time has a close friend who has been trying to gain weight for years without success.
77.帅多好啊!有士陪，有相日!有马骑，有车坐。还有兵保护。
77. How great it is to be handsome! With company from soldiers, enjoyment of scenery, riding horses, and riding in carriages. Plus, having soldiers to protect you.
78.自从人晒黑了，脸色好看了，牙齿变白了，喝酒都不脸红了。
78. Ever since I got tanned, my complexion has improved, my teeth have become whiter, and I don’t even blush when drinking alcohol.
79.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点：不肯承认这是脸的问题。
79. People who are never satisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s a problem with their face.
80.永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
80. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.
81.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
81. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
82.午夜12点准时下线!否则，公主就会变回灰姑娘。
82. Log off at midnight sharp! Otherwise, the princess will turn back into Cinderella.
83.不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
83. Regardless of age, all human beings become young in the face of money.
84.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
84. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
85.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
85. If exams used QB as a reward, the country would become strong and prosperous immediately.
86.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
86. Brother, could you please lower the resolution of your face?
87.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
87. If the sky falls, you hold it up, and I’ll cushion it!
88.“特别能吃苦”这个字，我想了想，我只做到了前四个。
88. “Especially able to endure hardship” – I’ve thought about it, and I’ve only managed to achieve the first four characters.
89.初恋无限好，只是挂得早。
89. First love is infinitely beautiful, but it just ends too soon.
90.敬告各位家长：请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。
90. A warning to all parents: Please do not call your own children “little rabbit brats,” because from a genetic perspective, this is very unfavorable to you.
91.谁骂我傻B我跟谁好，我就喜欢和B交朋友。
91. Whoever calls me a fool, I will be friends with them; I just like making friends with fools.
92.世界上最远的距离不是你我天各一方，而是同窗不同房。
92. The farthest distance in the world is not that we are separated by the sky, but that we are in th
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