1.喝醉了我谁也不服，我就扶墙！
1. When I’m drunk, I don’t submit to anyone; I just lean on the wall!
2.老婆：你说我婚前美得像一部电影，啥电影啊？老公：无声电影……。
2. Wife: You said I was as beautiful as a movie before marriage, what movie? Husband: A silent movie…
3.老师说一个错题就是一种财富，我看了看我的卷子，才发现原来我是土豪。
3. The teacher said that one wrong answer is a kind of wealth, and when I looked at my paper, I realized I was a rich man.
4.女人心目中理想的男人，其实就是：有事关云长，无事西门庆。
4. The ideal man in a woman’s mind is actually: Guan Yu when there’s trouble, and Ximen Qing when there’s none.
5.我男朋友不吸烟，不喝酒，不打架，不存在。
5. My boyfriend doesn’t smoke, drink, or fight, but he doesn’t exist.
6.女人安慰女人时往往说自己很惨；男人安慰男人时往往说另一个男人很惨。
6. When women comfort each other, they often talk about their own miseries; when men comfort each other, they often talk about the miseries of another man.
7.当面夸一女同学：你真是清水出芙蓉！
7. Compliment a female classmate in person: You are truly a natural beauty!
8.刚毕业后会有期；毕业一年后会有妻；后来后悔有妻；再后来会有后妻；最后悔有后妻。
8. After graduation, there will be a reunion; one year later, there will be a wife; then regret having a wife; later, there will be a second wife; and finally, regret having a second wife.
9.我正被川大强奸着，现在我唯一能做的就是最大限度地把姿势摆对！
9. I’m being raped by Sichuan University, and the only thing I can do now is to get my posture right!
10.嫦娥，你就从了天蓬吧，你看玉帝都老成啥样了！
10. Chang’e, just give in to Tian Peng, look at how old the Jade Emperor has become!
11.好朋友就是两人无缘无故互望一眼就二逼的笑了！
11. A good friend is someone who can look at each other for no reason and start laughing like idiots!
12.做白领，就得多备几件白衬衫，一来职业，二来容易暴露胸罩颜色！
12. To be a white-collar worker, you need to prepare several white shirts, as they are professional and easy to reveal bra colors!
14.过去一直喜欢她的胸怀宽广，其实那也无非是一片飞机场！
14. I used to like her broad-mindedness, but it turned out to be nothing more than an airport!
15.好久不贱啊贱客，听说你练成人贱合一了？
15. Long time no see, you scoundrel! I heard you’ve become a master of being a jerk!
16.男人忽悠女人，叫调戏；女人忽悠男人，叫勾引；男女相互忽悠，叫爱情。
16. When a man deceives a woman, it’s called teasing; when a woman deceives a man, it’s called seducing; when both men and women deceive each other, it’s called love.
17.上学迟到的路上你最希望看到的是什么？答：其他迟到的同学！
17. What do you want to see most on your way to school when you’re late? Answer: Other late students!
18.有人在车上分娩，有人在地铁怀孕，北京真是个充满生机的城市…
18. Some people give birth in cars, some get pregnant on the subway, Beijing is really a city full of vitality…
19.要不是为挣钱，脸要来做什么…
19. If not for making money, what’s the use of a face?
20.你们也不能太侮辱周正龙的智慧，至少他自己没顶片树叶，然后宣称自己是华南虎！
20. You can’t insult Zhou Zhenglong’s wisdom too much, at least he didn’t wear a leaf on his head and claim to be a South China Tiger!
21.今天早上出地铁站的时候自动扶梯发生故障，我被困在上面一个多小时，所以迟到了。
21. This morning, when I was leaving the subway station, the escalator broke down, and I was trapped on it for over an hour, so I was late.
22.当我看见美女的时候，首先摸摸兜里，看看有没有钱！
22. When I see a beautiful woman, I first check my pocket to see if I have any money!
23.避孕药的有效期三年，避孕套的有效期五年。很多时候，药和套还没有过期，爱情就已经过期了。
23. The expiration date of birth control pills is three years, and that of condoms is five years. Many times, the pills and condoms haven’t expired yet, but love has already expired.
24.亲爱的，死没？死的话抱紧我，好让收尸的知道我们是一对儿！
24. Darling, are you dead? If you’re dead, hold me tight so that the undertaker knows we are a couple!
25.世上只有一句话骗我一千万遍我也会相信，那就是：老师来了！
25. There is only one sentence in the world that I would believe even if it deceived me a million times: “The teacher is coming!”
26.微信就是牛逼，硬是把手机搞成对讲机。
26. WeChat is amazing, turning a mobile phone into a walkie-talkie.
27.还是会想起那年夏天，他满身大汉的样子
27. I still remember that summer when he was sweating all over.
28.百年修得同船渡，千年修得上下铺。
28. It takes a hundred years of cultivation to share a boat ride, and a thousand years to share a bunk bed.
29.有人问我皮肤为什么黑 ，真搞笑 一白遮百丑 ，你白是为了遮丑， 我又不丑。
29. When people ask me why my skin is dark, it’s really funny. “One white covers a hundred ugliness.” You turn white to cover your ugliness, but I’m not ugly.
30.一口不能吃个胖子，但胖子却是一口一口吃出来的！
30. You can’t eat a fat person in one bite, but a fat person is created by eating bite by bite!
31.老婆是操作系统，一但安装卸载十分麻烦；小秘是桌面，只要你有兴趣可以天天更换；情人是互联网，风光无限花钱不断；小姐是盗版软件，用时记着先杀毒。
31. A wife is like an operating system; it’s very troublesome to install and uninstall. A secretary is like a desktop; you can change it every day if you’re interested. A lover is like the internet, with endless scenery and spending. A prostitute is like pirated software; remember to scan for viruses before using it.
32.黄瓜在于拍，人生在于嗨。
32. The essence of cucumber lies in slapping, and the essence of life lies in having fun.
33.人又不聪明，还学人家秃顶！！
33. If you’re not smart, don’t try to imitate someone who is bald!
34.讲道理的人里头，有些话不能不信，但又不能全信。一是专家，一是算命的。
34. Among reasonable people, there are some words that you can’t help but believe, but you can’t believe them entirely. These are the words of experts and fortune tellers.
35.我以神的姿态，闪耀在这美的瞬间，凡人勿扰。
35. I shine in this beautiful moment with a divine presence; do not disturb mortals.
36.苦藤老树昏鸦，学校食堂涨价，同学饿成瘦马。夕阳西下，麻麻我要回家。
36. Bitter vines, old trees, and dusk crows; the school cafeteria raises prices, and students become skinny horses. As the sun sets in the west, I want to go home, Mom.
37.我一直都守在你身边，也一再为你担心，今天你吃得饱吗？睡得好吗？深夜会冷吗？我向来都知道你就是不会照顾自己，每当我一走开，你就从猪栏跳出去。
37. I have always been by your side, and I worry about you again and again. Did you eat well today? Did you sleep well? Will you be cold at night? I always know that you can’t take care of yourself. Every time I leave, you jump out of the pigsty.
38.人总是爱欺骗自己，因为那比期骗别人更容易。
38. People always love to deceive themselves because it’s easier than deceiving others.
39.让我在这里低调的喊一句，你的过去我来不及参与，你的未来打死我也不想参与了。
39. Let me shout quietly here: I didn’t have time to participate in your past, and I don’t want to be involved in your future.
40.现在的女孩需要的不是王子，需要的是能辅佐数学的男神。
40. Nowadays, girls need not a prince, but a math-assisting god.
41.不在课堂上沉睡，就在酒桌上埋醉。
41. If not dozing in class, then getting drunk at the bar.
42.不挂科，我所欲也；不学习，亦我所欲也。二者不可兼得，我嘞个去也。
42. Not failing is what I desire; not studying is also what I desire. I can’t have both, so I’m off.
43.女人的性格完全取决于今天穿了什么类型的衣服。
43. A woman’s temperament completely depends on the type of clothes she wears today.
44.老鼠从不浪费晚上的时间，而我们人类却浪费了每天的三分之一。
44. Mice never waste their evenings, yet humans waste a third of every day.
45.据说所有屌丝最爱对女神说的话也可以总结为一副对联：上联：干嘛呢，哦没事，做个好梦早点睡。下联：外面冷，多穿点，玩的高兴别太晚。横批：他对你好吗？
45. It is said that the favorite phrases of all losers for goddesses can be summarized in a couplet: Upper: What are you doing? Oh, it’s nothing. Have a good dream and sleep early. Lower: It’s cold outside, wear more, and have fun but don’t stay out too late. Horizontal: Is he good to you?
46.我空有一身泡妞的本事 ，可惜自己是个妞！
46. I have all the skills to chase girls, but unfortunately, I am a girl myself!
47.你说你一天天干点儿什么不好，为啥非要害人呢？难道是看电视看多了对那些反派们心存仰慕？
47. Why do you have to do something bad every day? Is it because you watch too much TV and admire those villains?
48.便秘了的原因是地球引力太小。
48. The reason for constipation is that the Earth’s gravity is too small.
49.我又不是人民币，怎么能让人人都喜欢我？
49. I’m not a yuan, how can I be liked by everyone?
50.名花虽有主，我来松松土。
50. Although the famous flower has an owner, I’ll loosen the soil.
51.树不要皮，必死无疑；人不要脸，天下无敌。
51. A tree without bark is doomed to die; a person without shame is invincible.
52.今天想出来一个去图书馆找座位的绝招：步骤一：寻找一个有妹纸的座位；步骤二：递上事先准备好的纸条，上书：同学，我喜欢你很久了，希望和你交往；步骤三：如果妹纸马上收书包走人，那么，恭喜，有座位了；如果妹纸对你一笑，那么，恭喜，还上什么自习啊；当然，有极小几率。
52. Today I came up with a great idea to find a seat in the library: Step 1: Look for a seat with a girl; Step 2: Hand her a prepared note saying: “Classmate, I’ve liked you for a long time and hope to date you”; Step 3: If the girl packs up and leaves, congratulations, you have a seat; if she smiles at you, congratulations, why bother with self-study anymore; of course, there is a very small chance.
53.好久没有人把牛吹的这么清新了。
53. I haven’t heard such a fresh way of boasting for a long time.
54.等车的时候听到一老一少说: 快跑，路来了。
54. While waiting for the bus, I heard an old and a young person say: “Run quickly, the road is coming.”
55.人间最痛苦的不是生与死的离别，而是就要考试了，别人正在复习而我正在预习。
55. The most painful thing in the world is not the separation of life and death, but when the exam is coming, others are reviewing while I am just pre-reviewing.
56.舌头比牙齿更长寿，软件比硬件更加长久。
56. The tongue outlives the teeth, and software outlasts hardware.
57.青年靠什么混日子 青年靠什么混日子？头等青年靠出身，二等青年靠关系，三等青年靠天资，四等青年靠努力，五等青年耍文艺，六等青年打游戏，穷游，看美剧。
57. What do young people rely on to get by in life? First-class youth rely on their background, second-class youth on relationships, third-class youth on talent, fourth-class youth on effort, fifth-class youth on arts, sixth-class youth on playing games, traveling on a tight budget, and watching American TV series.
58.当年幸好是一个漂亮女人做了王后，照了魔镜之后发现唯独白雪公主比她漂亮，便拿了一个毒苹果要害死公主。换成是你的话，大概会排在第亿名开外，需要去农贸市场批发毒苹果，连起来能绕地球两圈。
58. Fortunately, it was a beautiful woman who became the queen and found out from the magic mirror that only Snow White was more beautiful than her, so she gave her a poisoned apple to kill the princess. If it were you, you would probably rank in the hundreds of millions, and you would have to buy poisoned apples in bulk from the agricultural market, enough to circle the Earth twice.
59.其实我很宅，只是宅在谁家里的问题。
59. In fact, I am a homebody, it’s just a matter of whose house I stay in.
60.新闻说：作为一个基层干部，人民的事就是自己的事。然后紧接着又说：自己的事再大都是小事。
60. The news said: As a grassroots cadre, the people’s concerns are my concerns. Then it immediately added: No matter how big my own concerns are, they are still small matters.
61.小时候喜欢枪，全身上下五块钱去买玩具枪，我：“老板，老板，我要买枪，多少钱一把？”老板：“你带了多少钱？”我：“五块，”老板：“五块一把。”
61. When I was a child, I liked guns and had five yuan on me to buy a toy gun. Me: “Boss, boss, I want to buy a gun, how much is it?” Boss: “How much money do you have?” Me: “Five yuan,” Boss: “Five yuan each.”
62.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌,心中充满喜悦。
62. I borrowed a friend’s car and was told to refuel it when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for the car, feeling joyful inside.
63.宅男宅女标准：在床上以电脑为圆心，以胳膊长为半径拿取物品活动。
63. The standard for homebodies: using the computer as the center and the length of your arm as the radius to reach for items and move around.
64.现在，一个月能挣斤猪肉的勉强算白领。
64. Nowadays, someone who can earn a catty of pork in a month can barely be considered a white-collar worker.
65.男人的谎言可以骗女人一夜，女人的谎言可以骗男人一生！
65. A man’s lie can deceive a woman for one night, while a woman’s lie can deceive a man for a lifetime!
66.从小学到大学，唯一不变的就是一颗不想念书的心。
66. From elementary school to university, the only thing that remains unchanged is the heart that doesn’t want to study.
67.我趴着是日地球，躺着是日宇宙！
67. When I lie down, I make love to the Earth; when I lie on my back, I make love to the universe!
68.真的不知道说你什么好了，跟你说话真的有拉低我智商的节奏。你这样真的好吗？反正我是不忍直视了，不要以为全世界都得绕着你转，你又不是人民币，凭什么让每个人都喜欢你。还是省省吧！先看清楚自己的熊样！
68. I really don’t know what to say about you. Talking to you seems to lower my IQ. Is this really okay? Anyway, I can’t bear to look directly at you. Don’t think the whole world has to revolve around you. You’re not the renminbi; why should everyone like you? Just save it! First, take a good look at yourself!
69.上学去火车站买票，可能咱天生猥琐不像好人，一中年大妈跑过来搭讪，兄弟，玩玩吧，价钱便宜姑娘贼漂亮。我没工夫理她，她可能很久没开张不死心的跟我唠唠叨叨。我拿出学生证，证明身份，我说我是学生。见她一犹豫本以为这事完了呢。刚要走一把拉住我，学生好，有学生证我们可以半价嘛。
69. Going to the train station to buy a ticket, maybe I look naturally creepy and not like a good person, an middle-aged woman came over to chat: “Hey, buddy, want some fun? It’s cheap and the girls are gorgeous.” I didn’t have time to deal with her, but she probably hadn’t made any sales in a long time and wouldn’t give up, nagging me non-stop. I took out my student ID to prove my identity and said I was a student. Seeing her hesitate, I thought it was over. Just as I was about to leave, she grabbed me and said, “Students are great, with a student ID we can get a half-price discount!”
70.只有在火车站大排长龙时，才能真正意识到自己是“龙的传人”。
70. Only when you’re in a long line at the train station can you truly realize that you are a “descendant of the dragon.”
71.风情万种的女人是打火机，不解风情的女人是灭火器。
71. A charming woman is a lighter, while a woman who doesn’t understand charm is a fire extinguisher.
72.老师，我们班没有美女，叫我如何有动力来学校呢。
72. Teacher, there are no beautiful girls in our class; how can I be motivated to come to school?
73.人生没有彩排，每天都是直播，不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
73. Life has no rehearsals; every day is a live broadcast. Not only is the ratings low, but the salary is also not high.
74.面对我前面的人群，我得穿过而且潇洒，我知道你在旁边上看着，挺假…
74. Facing the crowd in front of me, I have to pass through and be cool, knowing that you’re watching from the side, it’s quite fake…
75.有妞不泡，大逆不道；遇妞则泡，替天行道。
75. Not chasing after girls is a great sin; encountering girls and chasing after them is doing heaven’s will.
76.儿子看爸爸戴表就问:爸爸能能给我买表。爸爸说:不行，长大才能戴。儿子想，大人才能戴表，难怪有人大代表。
76. The son saw his father wearing a watch and asked: “Dad, can you buy me a watch?” The father replied: “No, you can only wear a watch when you grow up.” The son thought, only adults can wear watches; no wonder there are people’s congress representatives.
77.人生最大的痛苦是经历了风雨没看到彩虹，结果感冒了
77. The greatest pain in life is going through trials and hardships without seeing a rainbow, and ending up catching a cold.
78.未来的某一天，你会发现，十八岁时你放得一个屁，都是香的。
78. One day in the future, you will find that a fart you let out at the age of 18 still smelled sweet.
79.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
79. If the sky falls, you hold it up, and I’ll pad it!
80.你说你，一没家庭变故，二没童年阴影，三没患绝症，四没飞来横祸，五没政治迫害，你有什么资格整天忧伤这个难过那个蛋疼的要死，不就是丑了点胖了点矮了点没有钱没有特长没有男女朋友没什么好朋友而已嘛！
80. You have no family tragedies, no childhood shadows, no terminal illnesses, no sudden disasters, no political persecutions, so what qualifications do you have to be sad and upset all day long, as if you were dying from the pain? It’s just that you’re a bit ugly, fat, short, have no money, no special skills, no boyfriend or girlfriend, and no good friends, that’s all!
81.股民赚钱都是听到的，亏钱都是自己碰到的。牛市来的时候不相信，熊市来的时候不承认。
81. Stock market profits are all heard of, while losses are always encountered. People don’t believe in bull markets, and they don’t admit to bear markets.
82.第一次听到“我爱你”时想哭，第二次听到“我爱你”时想笑，第三次听到“我爱你”哭笑不得。
82. The first time I heard “I love you,” I wanted to cry; the second time I heard “I love you,” I wanted to laugh; the third time I heard “I love you,” I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh.
83.农夫三拳有点疼。
83. The farmer’s three punches hurt a bit.
84.女生不好以为长得好就能够不读书，男生不好以为书读的好就能够长得难看。
84. Girls shouldn’t think that just because they look good, they can skip studying; boys shouldn’t think that just because they study well, they can be ugly.
85.麦兜暗恋的是谁？答案：机器猫。因为《麦兜响（想）叮当》。
85. Who does Mcdull have a crush on? The answer is Doraemon, because “Mcdull’s (Thinks of) Ding Dong.”
86.给我一张你的靓照呗，回家辟邪用。
86. Give me a nice picture of yours, I’ll use it to ward off evil spirits at home.
87.万事不求人，肯定不是人。
87. If someone says they don’t need help from others, they must not be human.
88.一个四岁的男孩亲了三岁的女孩一口！女孩对男孩说：“你亲了我可要对我负责啊。”男孩成熟地拍了拍女孩的肩膀，笑着说：“你放心，我都四岁了，又不是一两岁的小孩子了”。
88. A four-year-old boy kissed a three-year-old girl! The girl said to the boy, “You kissed me, so you have to be responsible for me.” The boy maturely patted the girl’s shoulder and said with a smile, “Don’t worry, I’m already four years old, not a one or two-year-old kid anymore.”
89.晚上十二点后睡觉等于慢性自杀，不吃早餐等于慢性自杀，经常烧烤等于慢性自杀，手机小时开机等于慢性自杀，长期呆室内等于慢性自杀，过多抱怨等于慢性自杀，缺乏锻炼等于慢性自杀。我突然发现，我一天啥都没干，光TM自杀了！
89. Going to bed after midnight is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), skipping breakfast is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), frequent barbecuing is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), keeping your phone on for hours is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), staying indoors for long periods is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), complaining too much is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), and lack of exercise is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide). I suddenly realized that I didn’t do anything all day, just TM committing慢性自杀 (chronic suicide)!
90.今天一群曰本人来我校参观——说实话，这是我第一次看到穿衣服的曰本人！
90. Today, a group of Japanese people came to our school for a visit - to be honest, this is the first time I’ve seen Japanese people wearing clothes!
91.你的抑郁症是矫情，你的拖延症是懒，你的强迫症是闲的蛋疼，你的失眠是根本不困。
91. Your depression is just melodramatic, your procrastination is due to laziness, your OCD is a result of having too much free time, and your insomnia is simply because you’re not sleepy.
92.有钱杀人不偿命，沒钱淘气也坐牢。
92. The rich can kill without facing the death penalty, while the poor can’t even get away with being mischievous and end up in jail.
93.这个冬天不太冷，因为我们有广州地铁，每天两趟，暖身驱寒。这年头免费的东西不多了，奥运你错过了，世博你错过了，亚运不要再错过。世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死，而是我在地铁上你却没有挤上来。
93. This winter isn’t too cold because we have the Guangzhou subway, running twice a day to warm us up and ward off the cold. These days, there aren’t many things that are free, and if you’ve missed the Olympics, the World Expo, and now don’t catch the Asian Games, the farthest distance in the world won’t be between life and death, but rather me being on the subway while you fail to get on.
94.据统计“要好好学习”是用的最多的分手理由。
94. According to statistics, “We need to focus on our studies” is the most commonly used breakup reason.
95.你的小男朋友根本是佛地魔外加海贼王里面小丑巴基的咕噜人哈比人，他根本就是天堂里面的级魔法妖精。
95. Your little boyfriend is basically a combination of Lord Voldemort, the Jester Baki from One Piece, and the goblin from the Lord of the Rings – he’s essentially a top-tier magical sprite from heaven.
96.我并不是每天下班的时候都数星星，有时也能看日出。
96. I don’t count stars every day after work; sometimes I can also watch the sunrise.
97.给我一个你的银行帐号，我现在还你的钱——收到这条短信，当时感动的一塌糊涂。
97. Give me your bank account number, and I will repay you now – upon receiving this text message, I was incredibly touched at that moment.
98.平安夜快到了，平安夜那天，谁送我个苹果，我就送谁苹果。
98. Christmas Eve is approaching; on Christmas Eve, whoever gives me an apple, I will give that person an apple in return.
99.今天看书，看到康熙皇帝在二十三岁的时候已经贵为一国之君，绩伟功丰，我很沮丧；但又看到同治皇帝在二十三岁时已经死了四年了，我平衡了。
99. Today, while reading, I learned that Emperor Kangxi was a sovereign of a nation at the age of 23 with impressive achievements; this made me feel disheartened. But then I found out that Emperor Tongzhi had been dead for four years by the time he was 23, which made me feel better.
100.不要和我比懒，我懒得和你比。
100. Don’t try to outdo me in laziness; I’m too lazy to compete with you.
1.喝醉了我谁也不服，我就扶墙！
1. When I’m drunk, I refuse to acknowledge anyone; I’ll just lean on the wall!
2.老婆：你说我婚前美得像一部电影，啥电影啊？老公：无声电影……。
2. Wife: You said I was as beautiful as a movie before marriage, what movie? Husband: A silent movie…
3.老师说一个错题就是一种财富，我看了看我的卷子，才发现原来我是土豪。
3. The teacher said that a wrong answer is a kind of wealth. I looked at my paper and realized I was a rich man.
4.女人心目中理想的男人，其实就是：有事关云长，无事西门庆。
4. The ideal man in a woman’s mind is actually: Guan Yu when there’s trouble, and Ximen Qing when there’s none.
5.我男朋友不吸烟，不喝酒，不打架，不存在。
5. My boyfriend doesn’t smoke, drink, or fight, but he doesn’t exist.
6.女人安慰女人时往往说自己很惨；男人安慰男人时往往说另一个男人很惨。
6. When comforting each other, women often talk about their own misfortunes; men, on the other hand, often talk about the misfortunes of another man.
7.当面夸一女同学：你真是清水出芙蓉！
7. Compliment a female classmate face to face: You are truly a natural beauty!
8.刚毕业后会有期；毕业一年后会有妻；后来后悔有妻；再后来会有后妻；最后悔有后妻。
8. After graduation, there will be a period; one year after graduation, there will be a wife; later regret having a wife; then regret having a second wife; and finally regret having a second wife.
9.我正被川大强奸着，现在我唯一能做的就是最大限度地把姿势摆对！
9. I am being raped by Sichuan University, and the only thing I can do now is to try my best to get into the right position!
10.嫦娥，你就从了天蓬吧，你看玉帝都老成啥样了！
10. Chang’e, just give in to Tian Peng. Look at how old the Jade Emperor has become!
11.好朋友就是两人无缘无故互望一眼就二逼的笑了！
11. Good friends are those who can just look at each other for no reason and start laughing like idiots!
12.做白领，就得多备几件白衬衫，一来职业，二来容易暴露胸罩颜色！
12. To be a white-collar worker, one must prepare several white shirts, as they are professional and easily reveal the color of the bra!
14.过去一直喜欢她的胸怀宽广，其实那也无非是一片飞机场！
14. In the past, I always admired her broad-mindedness, but in fact, it was nothing more than an airport runway!
15.好久不贱啊贱客，听说你练成人贱合一了？
15. Long time no see, my dear scoundrel! I heard you’ve mastered the art of being a scoundrel!
16.男人忽悠女人，叫调戏；女人忽悠男人，叫勾引；男女相互忽悠，叫爱情。
16. When a man deceives a woman, it’s called teasing; when a woman deceives a man, it’s called seducing; when both men and women deceive each other, it’s called love.
17.上学迟到的路上你最希望看到的是什么？答：其他迟到的同学！
17. What do you most want to see on your way to school when you’re late? Answer: Other late students!
18.有人在车上分娩，有人在地铁怀孕，北京真是个充满生机的城市…
18. Some people give birth in cars, some get pregnant on the subway; Beijing is truly a city full of vitality…
19.要不是为挣钱，脸要来做什么…
19. If not for making money, what’s the use of having a face?
20.你们也不能太侮辱周正龙的智慧，至少他自己没顶片树叶，然后宣称自己是华南虎！
20. You guys can’t insult Zhou Zhenglong’s wisdom too much; at least he didn’t put a leaf on his head and claim to be a South China Tiger!
21.今天早上出地铁站的时候自动扶梯发生故障，我被困在上面一个多小时，所以迟到了。
21. This morning, when I was leaving the subway station, the escalator broke down, and I was trapped on it for more than an hour, so I was late.
22.当我看见美女的时候，首先摸摸兜里，看看有没有钱！
22. When I see a beautiful woman, I first check my pocket to see if I have any money!
23.避孕药的有效期三年，避孕套的有效期五年。很多时候，药和套还没有过期，爱情就已经过期了。
23. The expiration date of birth control pills is three years, and that of condoms is five years. Many times, the pills and condoms haven’t expired, but love has already expired.
24.亲爱的，死没？死的话抱紧我，好让收尸的知道我们是一对儿！
24. Darling, are you dead? If you’re dead, hold me tight so that the undertaker knows we are a couple!
25.世上只有一句话骗我一千万遍我也会相信，那就是：老师来了！
25. There’s only one sentence in the world that I would believe even if it deceived me a million times: “The teacher is coming!”
26.微信就是牛逼，硬是把手机搞成对讲机。
26. WeChat is amazing, turning a mobile phone into a walkie-talkie.
27.还是会想起那年夏天，他满身大汉的样子
27. I still remember that summer when he was sweating all over.
28.百年修得同船渡，千年修得上下铺。
28. It takes a hundred years of cultivation to share a boat ride, and a thousand years to share an upper and lower bunk.
29.有人问我皮肤为什么黑 ，真搞笑 一白遮百丑 ，你白是为了遮丑， 我又不丑。
29. When people ask me why my skin is dark, it’s hilarious. “One white covers a hundred uglinesses.” You whiten to cover your ugliness, but I’m not ugly.
30.一口不能吃个胖子，但胖子却是一口一口吃出来的！
30. You can’t eat a fat person in one bite, but a fat person is eaten bite by bite!
31.老婆是操作系统，一但安装卸载十分麻烦；小秘是桌面，只要你有兴趣可以天天更换；情人是互联网，风光无限花钱不断；小姐是盗版软件，用时记着先杀毒。
31. A wife is like an operating system; it’s very troublesome to install and uninstall. A secretary is like a desktop; you can change it every day if you’re interested. A lover is like the internet, with endless scenery and constant spending. A prostitute is like pirated software; remember to scan for viruses before using it.
32.黄瓜在于拍，人生在于嗨。
32. The essence of cucumber lies in slapping, and the essence of life lies in having fun.
33.人又不聪明，还学人家秃顶！！
33. You’re not even smart, yet you’re trying to be bald like others!
34.讲道理的人里头，有些话不能不信，但又不能全信。一是专家，一是算命的。
34. Among reasonable people, there are some words that you can’t help but believe, but you can’t believe them entirely. These are the words of experts and fortune-tellers.
35.我以神的姿态，闪耀在这美的瞬间，凡人勿扰。
35. I shine in this beautiful moment with a divine posture; do not disturb me, mortals.
36.苦藤老树昏鸦，学校食堂涨价，同学饿成瘦马。夕阳西下，麻麻我要回家。
36. Bitter vines, old trees, and dusk crows; the school cafeteria raises prices, and students become skinny horses. As the sun sets in the west, Mom, I want to go home.
37.我一直都守在你身边，也一再为你担心，今天你吃得饱吗？睡得好吗？深夜会冷吗？我向来都知道你就是不会照顾自己，每当我一走开，你就从猪栏跳出去。
37. I have always been by your side, and I worry about you again and again. Did you eat well today? Did you sleep well? Will you be cold in the deep night? I’ve always known that you can’t take care of yourself. Every time I leave, you jump out of the pigsty.
38.人总是爱欺骗自己，因为那比期骗别人更容易。
38. People always love to deceive themselves because it’s easier than deceiving others.
39.让我在这里低调的喊一句，你的过去我来不及参与，你的未来打死我也不想参与了。
39. Let me shout quietly here: I didn’t have time to participate in your past, and I don’t want to be involved in your future even if you beat me to death.
40.现在的女孩需要的不是王子，需要的是能辅佐数学的男神。
40. Today’s girls don’t need a prince; they need a math-assisting god.
41.不在课堂上沉睡，就在酒桌上埋醉。
41. If not dozing in class, then getting drunk at the bar.
42.不挂科，我所欲也；不学习，亦我所欲也。二者不可兼得，我嘞个去也。
42. Not failing, I desire; not studying, I also desire. I cannot have both, so I’m off.
43.女人的性格完全取决于今天穿了什么类型的衣服。
43. A woman’s personality completely depends on the type of clothes she wears today.
44.老鼠从不浪费晚上的时间，而我们人类却浪费了每天的三分之一。
44. Mice never waste their evenings, while humans waste a third of every day.
45.据说所有屌丝最爱对女神说的话也可以总结为一副对联：上联：干嘛呢，哦没事，做个好梦早点睡。下联：外面冷，多穿点，玩的高兴别太晚。横批：他对你好吗？
45. It is said that all the favorite phrases of the “losers” for their goddesses can be summarized in a couplet: Upper couplet: What are you doing? Oh, it’s nothing. Have a good dream and go to bed early. Lower couplet: It’s cold outside, wear more, and have fun without staying up too late. Horizontal scroll: Is he good to you?
46.我空有一身泡妞的本事 ，可惜自己是个妞！
46. I have all the skills to chase girls, but unfortunately, I am a girl myself!
47.你说你一天天干点儿什么不好，为啥非要害人呢？难道是看电视看多了对那些反派们心存仰慕？
47. Why do you have to do something bad every day? Is it because you watch too much TV and admire the villains?
48.便秘了的原因是地球引力太小。
48. The reason for constipation is that the Earth’s gravity is too small.
49.我又不是人民币，怎么能让人人都喜欢我？
49. I’m not the Chinese currency, how can I be liked by everyone?
50.名花虽有主，我来松松土。
50. Although the famous flower has its owner, I’ll loosen the soil.
51.树不要皮，必死无疑；人不要脸，天下无敌。
51. A tree without bark is doomed to die; a person without shame is invincible in the world.
52.今天想出来一个去图书馆找座位的绝招：步骤一：寻找一个有妹纸的座位；步骤二：递上事先准备好的纸条，上书：同学，我喜欢你很久了，希望和你交往；步骤三：如果妹纸马上收书包走人，那么，恭喜，有座位了；如果妹纸对你一笑，那么，恭喜，还上什么自习啊；当然，有极小几率。
52. Today, I came up with a great idea to find a seat in the library: Step 1: Look for a seat with a girl; Step 2: Hand over a prepared note, which says: Classmate, I have liked you for a long time and hope to be in a relationship with you; Step 3: If the girl packs up and leaves immediately, congratulations, you have a seat; if the girl smiles at you, congratulations, why bother with self-study anymore; of course, there is a very small chance.
53.好久没有人把牛吹的这么清新了。
53. I haven’t heard someone brag so refreshingly for a long time.
54.等车的时候听到一老一少说: 快跑，路来了。
54. While waiting for the bus, I heard an old and a young person say: Run quickly, the road is coming.
55.人间最痛苦的不是生与死的离别，而是就要考试了，别人正在复习而我正在预习。
55. The most painful thing in the world is not the separation of life and death, but the upcoming exam when others are reviewing and I am just pre-reviewing.
56.舌头比牙齿更长寿，软件比硬件更加长久。
56. The tongue outlives the teeth, and software outlasts hardware.
57.青年靠什么混日子 青年靠什么混日子？头等青年靠出身，二等青年靠关系，三等青年靠天资，四等青年靠努力，五等青年耍文艺，六等青年打游戏，穷游，看美剧。
57. What do young people rely on to get by? First-class youth rely on their background, second-class youth rely on relationships, third-class youth rely on talent, fourth-class youth rely on hard work, fifth-class youth indulge in arts, sixth-class youth play games, travel on a tight budget, and watch American TV series.
58.当年幸好是一个漂亮女人做了王后，照了魔镜之后发现唯独白雪公主比她漂亮，便拿了一个毒苹果要害死公主。换成是你的话，大概会排在第亿名开外，需要去农贸市场批发毒苹果，连起来能绕地球两圈。
58. Fortunately, it was a beautiful woman who became the queen and found out that only Snow White was more beautiful than her after looking into the magic mirror, so she gave a poisoned apple to kill the princess. If it were you, you would probably rank in the hundreds of millions, and you would have to go to the agricultural market to buy poisoned apples in bulk, enough to circle the Earth twice.
59.其实我很宅，只是宅在谁家里的问题。
59. In fact, I am very much of a homebody, it’s just a matter of whose house I am staying in.
60.新闻说：作为一个基层干部，人民的事就是自己的事。然后紧接着又说：自己的事再大都是小事。
60. The news said: As a grassroots cadre, the people’s concerns are one’s own concerns. Then it immediately added: One’s own concerns, no matter how big, are trivial matters.
61.小时候喜欢枪，全身上下五块钱去买玩具枪，我：“老板，老板，我要买枪，多少钱一把？”老板：“你带了多少钱？”我：“五块，”老板：“五块一把。”
61. When I was a child, I liked guns and had five yuan on me to buy a toy gun. Me: “Boss, boss, I want to buy a gun, how much is it?” Boss: “How much money do you have?” Me: “Five yuan,” Boss: “Five yuan each.”
62.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌,心中充满喜悦。
62. I borrowed a friend’s car and was told to refuel it when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for the car, filled with joy.
63.宅男宅女标准：在床上以电脑为圆心，以胳膊长为半径拿取物品活动。
63. The standard for homebodies: staying in bed with the computer as the center, and using the length of your arm as the radius to reach for items and move around.
64.现在，一个月能挣斤猪肉的勉强算白领。
64. Nowadays, those who can earn a catty of pork in a month are barely considered white-collar workers.
65.男人的谎言可以骗女人一夜，女人的谎言可以骗男人一生！
65. A man’s lie can deceive a woman for one night, while a woman’s lie can deceive a man for a lifetime!
66.从小学到大学，唯一不变的就是一颗不想念书的心。
66. From primary school to university, the only thing that remains unchanged is the heart that doesn’t want to study.
67.我趴着是日地球，躺着是日宇宙！
67. When I lie on my stomach, I am making love to the Earth; when I lie on my back, I am making love to the universe!
68.真的不知道说你什么好了，跟你说话真的有拉低我智商的节奏。你这样真的好吗？反正我是不忍直视了，不要以为全世界都得绕着你转，你又不是人民币，凭什么让每个人都喜欢你。还是省省吧！先看清楚自己的熊样！
68. I really don’t know what to say about you. Talking to you really seems to lower my IQ. Is this really good for you? Anyway, I can’t bear to look directly at you. Don’t think the whole world has to revolve around you. You’re not the Chinese currency, why should everyone like you? Just save it! First, take a good look at your own appearance!
69.上学去火车站买票，可能咱天生猥琐不像好人，一中年大妈跑过来搭讪，兄弟，玩玩吧，价钱便宜姑娘贼漂亮。我没工夫理她，她可能很久没开张不死心的跟我唠唠叨叨。我拿出学生证，证明身份，我说我是学生。见她一犹豫本以为这事完了呢。刚要走一把拉住我，学生好，有学生证我们可以半价嘛。
69. Going to the train station to buy a ticket, I might look inherently creepy and not like a good person. An middle-aged woman came over to chat, “Hey, buddy, want some fun? It’s cheap and the girls are gorgeous.” I didn’t have time to deal with her, but she probably hadn’t made any sales in a long time and insisted on nagging at me. I took out my student ID to prove my identity and said I was a student. When I saw her hesitate, I thought it was over. Just as I was about to leave, she grabbed me and said, “Students are great, with a student ID we can get a half-price discount.”
70.只有在火车站大排长龙时，才能真正意识到自己是“龙的传人”。
70. Only when you’re in a long line at the train station can you truly realize that you are the “descendant of the dragon.”
71.风情万种的女人是打火机，不解风情的女人是灭火器。
71. A woman full of charm is like a lighter, while a woman who doesn’t understand charm is like a fire extinguisher.
72.老师，我们班没有美女，叫我如何有动力来学校呢。
72. Teacher, there are no beautiful girls in our class, how can I be motivated to come to school?
73.人生没有彩排，每天都是直播，不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
73. Life has no rehearsals, every day is a live broadcast, not only is the viewership low, but the salary is also not high.
74.面对我前面的人群，我得穿过而且潇洒，我知道你在旁边上看着，挺假…
74. Facing the crowd in front of me, I have to pass through and look cool. I know you’re watching from the side, it’s quite fake…
75.有妞不泡，大逆不道；遇妞则泡，替天行道。
75. Not chasing after girls is a great sin; chasing after girls is doing heaven’s will.
76.儿子看爸爸戴表就问:爸爸能能给我买表。爸爸说:不行，长大才能戴。儿子想，大人才能戴表，难怪有人大代表。
76. The son saw his father wearing a watch and asked, “Dad, can you buy me a watch?” The father said, “No, you can only wear a watch when you grow up.” The son thought, only adults can wear watches, no wonder there are people’s congress representatives.
77.人生最大的痛苦是经历了风雨没看到彩虹，结果感冒了
77. The greatest pain in life is going through trials and hardships without seeing a rainbow, and ending up with a co
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