1.吃什么鱿鱼丝、墨鱼丝的，给我上点美人鱼丝。
1. Instead of squid or cuttlefish silk, bring me some mermaid silk.
2.每次写简历都会比以前更敬佩自己一些。
2. Every time I write a resume, I admire myself more than before.
3.你眼里的高压电，足够让我的手机用一年。
3. The high voltage in your eyes is enough to power my phone for a year.
4.别以为你长的稀有样我们就应该物以稀为贵。
4. Don’t think that just because you look rare, we should value you highly.
5.青春啊，你太痘了！
5. Youth, you’re so acne-prone!
6.每个宿舍都有一个磨牙的，一个说梦话的，一个打呼噜的，一个睡很晚的。
6. In every dormitory, there’s a teeth grinder, a talker in dreams, a snorer, and a night owl.
7.师太，批上老纳的袈纱后，你就是老纳的人了。
7. After you put on my cassock, you will be mine, my dear.
8.土是用来挖的，坑是用来埋你的。
8. Dirt is for digging, and pits are for burying you.
9.永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
9. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.
10.你到挺有个性，个不高性格还那么不好。
10. You’re quite unique, short in height and with a bad temper.
11.别拿你弹视频的速度，来挑战哥拉黑的技术。
11. Don’t challenge my blocking skills with your speed of sending video messages.
12.狐狸不是妖、性感不是骚。
12. A fox is not a demon, and being sexy is not the same as being flirtatious.
13.各种姿势，各种招。各种澎湃，各种飘。
13. Various poses, various tricks. Various excitement, various floating.
14.喊疼的不一定是处女，但勾引男人的一定是婊子。
14. The one who cries out in pain is not necessarily a virgin, but the one who seduces men is definitely a slut.
15.女人混的好、是嫂子，混不好，是婊子。
15. A woman who succeeds is a sister-in-law, and the one who fails is a prostitute.
16.一般般的我，一般般的亮。一般般的你，我看不上！
16. I’m just average, and so is my brightness. You’re just average, and I don’t look down on you!
17.地铁上的广告：挤吗？买辆车吧！出租车上的广告：赌吗？坐地铁吧！靠，忽悠我还是怎么着！
17. Subway advertisement: Crowded? Buy a car! Taxi advertisement: Gambling? Take the subway! Damn it, are you kidding me or what?
18.知道高晓松为啥喝醉酒不？那是因为药家鑫想让他唱一首“同牢的你”。
18. Do you know why Gao Xiaosong gets drunk? It’s because Yao Jiaxin wants him to sing “The Same Cellmate as You.”
19.今天MM的生日，为了第一个送上祝福，凌晨我准时拿起手机发了一条信息：沙发。
19. Today is MM’s birthday. To be the first to send my wishes, I picked up my phone on time in the early morning and sent a message: Sofa.
20.靠山吃山，靠水吃水，今天抢劫，不许不给，谁要反抗，让他见鬼。
20. Live off the mountain if you’re near one, and live off the water if you’re near a river. Today, I’m robbing, and you must give me what I want. If anyone resists, let them meet the devil.
21.要有多大的身躯，才能撑起您那龌龊的灵魂啊！
21. How big of a body do I need to support your filthy soul!
22.你不能当饭吃，但没有你，我吃不下饭。
22. You can’t be eaten as food, but without you, I can’t eat.
23.假如生活欺骗了我，那我也去欺骗生活。
23. If life deceives me, then I will deceive life as well.
24.你让我下不了台，我让你连上台的机会都没有。
24. You make me lose face, and I will make sure you don’t even have a chance to get on stage.
25.你住在我心里，你交房租了吗？
25. You live in my heart, have you paid the rent?
26.体育老师说：谁敢穿裙子上我的课，就罚她倒立！
26. The PE teacher said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt in my class will be punished to do a handstand!
27.最尴尬的莫过于和女友去民政局登记，工作人员竟是前女友。
27. The most embarrassing thing is to go to the civil affairs bureau with my girlfriend to register, and the staff there is my ex-girlfriend.
28.不喜欢我，我就把你阉了做我妹。
28. If you don’t like me, I’ll castrate you and make you my sister.
29.我站在你的城府里大声叫到：哎哟！满深的啊！
29. I stand in your cunning city and shout: Ouch! It’s so deep!
30.第三者不是后来的那个，而是不被深爱的那个。
30. The third party is not the one who comes later, but the one who is not deeply loved.
31.车道山前必有路，有路我也刹不住。
31. There must be a way when the road is blocked by the mountain, but even if there is a way, I can’t stop.
32.在野外遇到蛇怎么办？不要惊慌，面带温润的笑容撑起一把伞，假装是许仙。
32. What to do if you encounter a snake in the wild? Don’t panic, put on a warm smile, hold up an umbrella, and pretend to be Xu Xian.
33.昨天去市里参加放鸽子比赛，结果就我一个人去了。
33. Yesterday, I went to the city to participate in a pigeon flying competition, and it turned out that I was the only one who went.
34.没心没肺，能活百岁，问心无愧，做人不累。
34. Live carefree and you can live to a hundred; have a clear conscience, and you won’t be tired as a person.
35.真怀念小时候啊，天热的时候我也可以像男人一样光膀子！
35. I really miss when I was a child, when it was hot, I could also bare my upper body like a man!
36.我看你就一专业织网的，而且专捕企鹅。
36. I see you as a professional net weaver, and you specialize in catching penguins.
37.你别总日啊日的，你家老母狗都快怀孕了。
37. Don’t keep saying “f**k” all the time, your old mother dog is almost pregnant.
38.把你家的地址说出来，我要把它改成公共厕所。
38. Tell me your home address, and I will turn it into a public toilet.
39.您别看我长得像没头脑，其实我是不高兴。
39. Don’t look at me like I have no brains; actually, I’m just unhappy.
40.早回家的男人，讲故事给老婆听;晚回家的男人，编故事给老婆听。
40. Men who come home early tell stories to their wives; men who come home late make up stories for their wives.
41.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
41. If exams use QB as rewards, the country will become strong and prosperous immediately.
42.不要迷恋哥，嫂子才是传说。
42. Don’t be infatuated with me, your sister-in-law is the legend.
43.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
43. Handsome and with a car, that’s chess. Rich and with a house, that’s the bank.
44.上帝创造了处女，我创造了妇女。
44. God created virgins, I created women.
45.放眼过去全是货，老妹你想跟谁过。
45. Looking around, there are so many options; little sister, who do you want to be with?
46.吃，我所欲也，瘦，亦我所欲也，二者不可得兼，我了个去也。
46. Eating is what I desire, and so is being thin. I can’t have both, oh my.
47.别以为我长的帅就认为我遥不可及高不可攀，其实我是海纳百川啊。
47. Don’t think that just because I’m handsome, I’m unapproachable and unreachable. In fact, I’m as inclusive as the ocean.
48.有的人活着，她已经死了。有的人活着，他早该死了！
48. Some people are alive, but they’re already dead. Some people are alive, but they should have died long ago!
49.爱我，就给我穿上婚纱，然后再亲手扒光。
49. If you love me, put me in a wedding dress, and then take it off with your own hands.
50.避孕的效果：不成功，便成“人”。
50. The effectiveness of contraception: if not successful, it becomes a “person.”
51.谢你抢了我对象，让我知道他是人模狗样。
51. Thank you for stealing my partner, letting me know he’s just a pretender.
52.我未来的女朋友，现在在和谁谈恋爱？
52. My future girlfriend, who is she dating now?
53.你就像根苦瓜，穿得这么清凉，长得这么败。
53. You’re like a bitter melon, dressed so cool, yet looking so ugly.
54.上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做横批：重在参与。
54. Upper couplet: Student ID, exam ID, ID card, no ID brought. Lower couplet: Listening questions, reading questions, essay questions, no questions attempted. Horizontal scroll: Participation is key.
55.女人分结婚与不结婚两种，男人分自愿结婚与被迫结婚两种。
55. Women are divided into married and unmarried, while men are divided into voluntarily married and forcibly married.
56.天苍苍、地茫茫、物价不断长。买的起车，加不起油，公交还挺忙，有车一族终成伤。挣不来钱去买房，美女在上涨，价位不可挡，凭俺的收入，今生无希望，独叹空悲对月流，清风吹落泪两行!
56. The sky is vast, the earth is boundless, and prices keep rising. Can afford a car, but can’t afford gas; public transport is still busy, the car owners become injured. Can’t earn money to buy a house, beautiful women are on the rise, prices unstoppable, with my income, no hope in this life, sighing alone, tears streaming down in the moonlight, the breeze blowing two rows of tears!
57.结婚当然是件好事，上瘾就麻烦了。
57. Marriage is certainly a good thing, but getting addicted to it is troublesome.
58.江山如画皮，人生如梦遗。
58. The landscape is like a painted skin, life is like a forgotten dream.
59.不要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
59. Don’t say others have brain problems; having brain problems presupposes that one must have a brain.
60.小鸟虽小，可它玩的确是整个天空。
60. Though a bird may be small, it plays with the entire sky.
61.黄瓜必须拍，人生必须嗨。
61. Cucumbers must be smashed, life must be lively.
62.爱情不过是寂寞时、扯把美丽的犊子。
62. Love is just a beautiful calf when one is lonely.
63.距离产生的不是美，而是第三者。
63. Distance doesn’t create beauty, but rather a third party.
64.小三的威力、一般人貌似抵挡不住。
64. The power of a mistress seems to be irresistible to ordinary people.
65.每个女人总会为某一个男人而下贱。
65. Every woman will eventually stoop for a certain man.
66.人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂！
66. Life is like making a phone call, either you hang up first or I do!
67.人不可貌相，小三不可斗量。
67. One should not judge a book by its cover, nor measure a mistress by her appearance.
68.货有过期日，人有看腻时。你在我心里，能牛逼几时。
68. Goods have an expiration date, and people can grow tired of looking at them. How long can you be amazing in my heart?
69.当有人在装酷时，姐都会低下头。不是姐修养好，姐只是在找砖头。
69. When someone is acting cool, I always lower my head. It’s not because I have good manners, but because I’m looking for a brick.
70.年少时的你我因为没有学好爱情这门功课而变出了错误百出的答卷。
70. In our youth, you and I made countless mistakes in the exam of love because we didn’t learn it well.
71.感情的傻子，不会介意爱一个疯子。
71. A fool in love won’t mind loving a madman.
72.如果世界上真的有像小说里一样的男主角，那世界，就真的玄幻了！
72. If there really were a male protagonist like in the novels, the world would be truly fantastical!
73.如果我的考试成绩能像房价涨得那么快，那么这个世界该有多可爱。
73. If my exam scores could rise as quickly as housing prices, how lovely the world would be.
74.广告看的好好的，突然蹦出个电视剧来…郁闷…
74. I was watching a commercial just fine when suddenly a TV drama popped up… So frustrating…
75.世上最美的事，就是吃饱了睡觉有空调。
75. The most beautiful thing in the world is to eat your fill, sleep, and have air conditioning.
76.胸大未必嫁潘安，胸小也能钓彦祖。
76. Big breasts don’t necessarily marry Pan An, and small chests can still hook Yan Zu.
77.整天看《还珠格格》，我都有点同情容嬷嬷了。
77. After watching “My Fair Princess” all day, I feel a bit sympathetic towards Rong Ma.
78.空山新雨后，自挂东南枝，欲穷千里目，自挂东南枝，天生我材必有用，各种自挂东南枝。
78. After the rain in the empty mountains, hang oneself from the southeast branch; to see a thousand miles, hang oneself from the southeast branch; I am born to be useful, hang myself from the southeast branch in various ways.
79.上课可以治疗同学们的失眠。
79. Attending class can cure students’ insomnia.
80.被傻子喜欢也是总炫耀。
80. Being liked by a fool is also a boast.
81.似花似水似你妈，倾国倾城倾你爸。
81. Like flowers, like water, like your mom; captivating the nation, captivating the city, captivating your dad.
82.我厌恶骨子里的优柔寡断。
82. I despise the indecision ingrained in my nature.
83.私奔的缩写是SB，AV在键盘后面跟的还是SB。
83. The abbreviation for eloping is SB, and AV followed by SB on the keyboard.
84.今天吃饭前照常看了一下菜，天啊！今天没有肉。
84. As usual, I checked the dishes before eating today, oh my! There’s no meat today.
85.我算不算个性，当然。
85. Am I unique? Of course.
86.你抓着你的鸡爪指着我干嘛知不知道我喜欢泡椒味的不喜欢人渣味的。
86. Why are you pointing at me with your chicken claws? Don’t you know I like the taste of pickled peppers, not the taste of scum.
87.上学最开心听到的一句话就是：今天班主任不在。
87. The happiest thing to hear at school is: The headteacher is not here today.
88.每次你说我不够独立的时候、我都选择沉默。我很想告诉你、当我不再依赖你、就是你该滚的时候了。
88. Every time you say I’m not independent enough, I choose to stay silent. I really want to tell you that when I no longer rely on you, it’s time for you to leave.
89.男人最大的本事，就是把自己的女朋友放纵到别的男人都受不了。
89. A man’s greatest skill is to spoil his girlfriend so much that no other man can stand her.
90.别要不要分白天黑夜的在我面前犯贱。
90. Don’t be shameless in front of me, whether it’s day or night.
91.生活就像新闻联播，不是换台就能逃避的了的。
91. Life is like the news broadcast, you can’t escape it by just changing the channel.
92.我是个特别的人，我是个平凡的人，所以我是个特别平凡的人。
92. I am a special person, I am an ordinary person, so I am a particularly ordinary person.
93.妈妈说：就算吃醋也要装的跟喝了酱油似的，不能让别人瞧不起。
93. Mom said: Even if you are jealous, you should pretend as if you just drank soy sauce, and not let others look down on you.
94.完美的男友：不吸烟，不喝酒，不欺骗。不存在！
94. The perfect boyfriend: doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t lie. He doesn’t exist!
95.你讲我坏话时能不能别添油加醋，以为炒菜啊。
95. When you gossip about me, can you stop exaggerating, thinking you’re stir-frying?
96.我没时间去讨厌那些讨厌我的人，因为我在忙着爱那些爱着我的人。
96. I don’t have time to hate those who hate me because I am busy loving those who love me.
97.上床这么纯洁的事情，别被爱情玷污了。
97. Sleeping together is such a pure thing, don’t let love tarnish it.
98.有些话，你想说自然会说，不想说，听到的也只是假话。
98. Some words, if you want to say them, you will; if not, all you hear are lies.
99.因为我什么都不怕，所以我什么都不能输。
99. Because I am afraid of nothing, I cannot lose at anything.
100.有些人那么谦虚，有些人那么骄傲，却没有一个人实事求是。
100. Some people are so humble, some are so arrogant, yet no one is being realistic.
1.“你怎么这么矮。”“因为我一直在迷你啊！”
1. “Why are you so short?” “Because I’ve been miniaturizing myself!”
2.都说聊天止于呵呵，我就不相信，昨天给男神发消息说：好喜欢你。他说：呵呵。我回答道：呵呵尼玛个壁。于是和他对骂了一个晚上。
2. They say conversations end with “hehe.” I didn’t believe it. Yesterday, I sent a message to my crush: “I really like you.” He replied: “Hehe.” I responded: “Hehe your mom’s wall!” So we ended up cursing each other all night.
3.我吻过你的脸，都是隔离霜、bb霜、防晒霜，感觉一口吃了好多钱。
3. I’ve kissed your face, which is covered in foundation, BB cream, and sunscreen. It feels like I’ve eaten a lot of money in one bite.
4.“我胸小你介意吗”“不介意，我喜欢青梅竹马的感觉”“什么意思”“从小玩到大”。
4. “Do you mind if my chest is small?” “No, I like the feeling of childhood sweethearts.” “What does that mean?” “Growing up together.”
5.在餐厅偶遇初中女同学，但是她不记得我了，我便提醒她说：“你还记得初中时候，因为和你在小树林亲嘴被处分的那个男生吗？”她小脸一红，有些激动的说：“难道你就是当时那个……”我惭愧一笑：“没错，我就是当时告密的那个人！”
5. I bumped into a female classmate from junior high in a restaurant, but she didn’t remember me. I reminded her: “Do you remember the boy who was punished for kissing you in the woods during junior high?” Her face turned red, and she excitedly said: “Are you the one…” I smiled shamefully: “Yes, I’m the one who snitched!”
6.“一整个披萨你要切8块还是12块？”“8块吧，12块我吃不下。”
6. “Do you want to cut the whole pizza into 8 or 12 slices?” “8 slices, please. I can’t eat 12 slices.”
7.刚刚被吵醒，就听见小区里有个男人大喊：打死，打死，往死打，反了，反了。这是要出大事的节奏啊!看看怎么回事，我赶紧起床，跑到窗前……我去，一个男人指挥媳妇倒车呢！
7. I was just woken up by a commotion and heard a man in the community shouting: “Beat it, beat it, hit it hard, it’s rebelling, it’s rebelling!” Thinking something serious was happening, I quickly got up, ran to the window… Oh, it was just a man directing his wife to reverse the car!
8.我对象很好，象对我也很好，而且我对马，兔子，狗都很好。
8. My boyfriend is very good, elephants are also good to me, and I’m good to horses, rabbits, and dogs.
9.如果以后全世界都没有人要你，一定要记得还有我，我也不要你。
9. If no one in the world wants you in the future, remember that I also don’t want you.
10.和闺蜜出去旅游，累了在树下休息。突然几滴鸟屎滴到我脸上了，我还没反应过来，闺蜜就拿手帮我抹匀，边说，你的防晒霜没摸匀呢。
10. While traveling with my best friend, we got tired and rested under a tree. Suddenly, a few drops of bird poop fell on my face. Before I could react, my friend helped spread it evenly with her hand, saying, “You didn’t apply your sunscreen evenly.”
11.“警察叔叔，我的包丢了”“放心吧，包在我身上”“那你还我！”
11. “Officer, I lost my bag.” “Don’t worry, I’ve got it on my back.” “Then give it back to me!”
12.有旳人活着，他已经死了。有的人活着，他早该死了。
12. Some people are alive, but they’re already dead. Others are alive, but they should have died long ago.
13.什么叫寂寞？就是五十块的话费居然用了三个月还没用完……三个月啊！
13. What is loneliness? It means that a 50-yuan phone bill has lasted for three months and hasn’t run out yet… three months!
14.一直听别人说，开房怎么怎么爽，终于有一天我忍不住去开房了……还真是爽啊，一个人睡这么大一张床！
14. I always heard that having a good time in a hotel room was amazing. Finally, one day, I couldn’t resist going to a hotel room… and it was indeed amazing, having such a big bed all to myself!
15.据说今年夏天全国各地如今都在追悼一个叫热的家伙——“热死了！”
15. It is said that this summer, people all over the country are mourning a guy named “Heat” – “Heat is dead!”
16.讲课时女老师裤子拉链开了，一女生站起来提醒：老师，你门没关!老师一摆手：不管它一会儿教导主任要来参观。
16. During a lecture, a female teacher’s pants zipper was open. A female student stood up to remind her: “Teacher, your door is open!” The teacher waved her hand: “Never mind, the principal will come to visit later.”
17.低调闷骚的高调，高调被打的征兆。
17. Being low-key and showy in a high-profile way is a sign of being beaten up.
18.你要是鲜花，以后牛都不敢拉屎了。
18. If you were a flower, cows would be too scared to poop.
19.女人装比那叫资本，男人装比那叫变态。
19. Women showing off is called capital, while men showing off is called perversion.
20.不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有惊喜，畅享多一瓶。
20. I’m not afraid of drinking dichlorvos, but I’m afraid of the surprise inside when I open the cap. Enjoy an extra bottle!
21.春天来了，绿意盎然，他也来了，一身绿装！md，连帽子也是绿色的！
21. Spring has arrived, with greenery everywhere, and he also came, dressed in green! Damn it, even his hat is green!
22.人们喜欢春风，厌恶寒风，其实寒风是无辜的，是温度在使坏！
22. People like the spring breeze but dislike the cold wind. In fact, the cold wind is innocent; it’s the temperature that’s causing trouble!
23.电脑是愤怒者的麦克风，深夜它传播着我们的骂声！
23. The computer is the microphone for the angry, spreading our cursing in the deep night.
24.那个叫珍妮的女孩我不喜欢，我喜欢那个叫玛尼的！
24. I don’t like the girl named Jenny; I like the one named Manny.
25.一美女说：第一次牵我手的人是给我看手相的那个先生。
25. A beautiful woman said: The first person who held my hand was the man who read my palm.
26.不是你不滚，是我不够狠。
26. It’s not that you don’t leave; it’s just that I’m not ruthless enough.
27.三鹿奶粉，后妈的选择。
27. Sanlu milk powder, the choice of stepmothers.
28.走人民币的路，让人民无路可走！
28. Take the path of the Renminbi, leaving the people with nowhere to go!
29.分手多没意思，有本事咱俩玩离婚！
29. Breaking up is so boring; if you have the guts, let’s play divorce!
30.吉尼斯纪录：全世界最大的茶几面积为960万平方千米，可放置13亿杯具。
30. Guinness Record: The world’s largest coffee table has an area of 9.6 million square kilometers, capable of holding 1.3 billion cups of tragedy.
31.自爱，必先自私，唯有自私，才能大爱。
31. To love oneself, one must first be selfish; only through selfishness can one achieve great love.
32.一些人，总要出卖他所有的，去换取他所没有的。
32. Some people always have to sell everything they have in exchange for what they don’t have.
33.在学校是那钱混日子，现在是拿日子混钱！
33. In school, I spent money to pass the days; now, I spend my days to make money!
34.考试考得好，全靠同桌好。
34. I did well in exams, all thanks to my good deskmate.
35.本人鄙视那些，常用表情聊天的人。
35. I despise those who often use emojis to chat.
36.有心才会累，无心者无所谓。
36. Only those with a heart get tired; the heartless don’t care.
37.做男人的最高境界不是你去泡妞，而是让妞来泡你。
37. The highest state of being a man is not about chasing girls, but letting them chase you.
38.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧？
38. How can you be so shameless and heartless? Your weight should be very light, right?
39.路上见一车，车后贴着六个字：着急你飞过去。
39. I saw a car on the road with six words on its rear: If you’re in a hurry, fly past!
40.我说过做人要低调。可你非要给我掌声和尖叫。
40. I said that one should be low-key, but you insist on giving me applause and screams.
41.女人是招商银行，男人则是建设银行。
41. Women are like Merchants Bank, and men are like China Construction Bank.
42.其实人活着的时候就是一个躯壳，死了就变成一堆骨灰。
42. In fact, when people are alive, they are just a shell, and when they die, they become a pile of ashes.
43.我对你的心，比钻石还坚硬。。。。。。不会是心结石吧？
43. My heart for you is harder than diamond…
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